30-Day Grief Challenge Day #5

Stillborn Grief Challenge Day #5

If you were here, you would be how old?


Dear Little Man,
Today you would be 3years 6months and 4days old.  I imagine every waking moment, I would be chasing after you trying to keep you out of trouble.  I imagine you being very stubborn but having a big heart and a gentle soul.  You would have been the best big brother to your younger siblings.  You would be protective of them and be a great helper in caring for them.  My heart breaks that I never got to know the true you.  All I have is the little boy of my hopes and dreams and who I imagine you to be.

I love you to the moon and back!!!!  Love, Mommy



Miscarriage Grief Challenge Day #5

What was the 1st outfit I wanted to get for you?


Dear Rain,
I wanted to get you a onesie that read "After the storm comes a rainbow... and here I am".  I wanted the world to know that you were our light, beauty, hope, peace and promise.  I wanted everyone, especially you, to know how much you were wanted, needed and loved.  I STILL want that for you.  Although you were in our lives for just a few days, you still are a great blessing to us.  I can't wait to hold you again.

Love Mommy!!!



Dear Monkey,
Just like Rain,  I wanted to get you a onesie  that let others know that you were special.  This onsie though, I wanted to say "Hand picked by my siblings in Heaven".  I thought of you as a gift Little Man and Rain sent to us to help with our broken hearts and empty arms.  You still are that gift that I can't wait to have when we are together again.

Love you to the moon and back,  Love Mommy



Dear Cub,
I think the perfect outfit for you would have been a shirt or sleeper with a bear on it that says Bear Hug.  I have always imagined you being my Little Cuddler. I picture you always being content when you are in my arms and you giving hugs to everyone.  I wish I could have you in my arms, then I would never let you go.

Although you were never in my arms, you will always be in my heart!!!!  Love, Mommy

HAPPY 2nd Angelversary Monkey & Cub

HAPPY 2ND ANGELVERSARY MONKEY & CUB!!!!  MOMMY & DADDY LOVE AND MISS YOU AND YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER BEYOND ANY WORDS!!!!  WHEREVER THEY ARE, OUR LOVE WILL FIND THEM!!!!


It was 2 years ago this evening that I had the heartbreaking sight of seeing tiny Monkey's body.  I was 7weeks6days and I had already been bleeding heavily since the beginning of the 5th week.  When I saw Monkey, I began shouting for Bear and showed him when I had found.  I begged him to please not tell me it's not our baby.  He looked carefully and we agreed it was our Monkey.  We could see 2 tiny specks the future eyes.  We saw 4 tiny stubs waiting to develop into limbs.  We saw a tiny stub for the future tail bone and spine.  She was so perfect.  There was nothing wrong with her.

I remember apologizing to Bear over and over again telling him how sorry I was for losing all our babies and how sorry I was that I couldn't stay pregnant.  I kepts begging him to please forgive me.  At the time I didn't know about my septate uterus or my PCOS.


The next morning, I went to my OBGYN and had an ultrasound to make sure my miscarriage was going ok (as if any miscarriage is ok).  That is when I found out about Cub.  The ultrasound technician told me she saw another baby on the screen and she thought she detected a heart-beat.  I was SO relived that hopefully we would finally be able to keep a baby.  I called Daddy and Aunt Star and told them about the great news!!!  They both were SOOOO HAPPY!!!!

After the ultrasound, I went back to my OBGYN.  He took me into a room with a nurse.  He sat me down and told me that yes there was a baby still inside me BUT there was no heartbeat for this baby either.  I was CRUSHED!!!!  I couldn't believe my world was in shambles yet again.  WHY DID I KEEP LOSING OUR BABIES??????


I called Bear and Star again and told them the tragic news.  They were devastated as well.

Since I had been bleeding for so long already,  I decided to take Cytotec to speed up the miscarriage process.  I bled even more AND I had 4 hours (2, 2 hour sessions) of unimaginable pain.  I truly felt like I was in labor again as I had been with Little Man.  All I wanted to do was roll around on the floor and sob, the pain (both the physical and emotional) was too heavy to bear.  Sadly I was bleeding way to much to do anything but sit and rock.


I would give everything to have you 4 in our arms!!!!  You will never understand how much we love and miss you!!!!  

30-Day Grief Challenge Day #4

Stillborn Grief Challenge Day #4

My Favorite Photo of You?

Dear Little Man,

I'm so grateful that your Aunt Star was there at the hospital to take pictures of you.  I wanted the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep to come and take pictures, but the 2 blizzards kept the volunteers from being able to come.  Aunt Star was able to get about 100 pictures of you.  I have a lot of favorites but I think this one is one of my top favorites.  You look so peaceful and ADORABLE in this one.  You really look like you are just sleeping and snug as a bug in a rug.  I wish I could have taken more.  More then anything, I wish I had an entire lifetime of taking pictures of you. 

Love Always,   Mommy



Miscarriage Grief Challenge Day #4

The 1st person I told?  Their reaction?


Dear Rain.
Your Daddy and I were together when I got the positive pregnancy test, so we both knew at the same time.  After we celebrated for a bit, Daddy got on the phone with his parents and I got on my phone with your Aunt Star and then your Great-Grandpa Papa S.  Everyone was so excited to learn of your coming!!!  They all told us how much they had been praying for us to have another baby soon.  You truly were an answer to countless prayers by so many people.  It was defiantly the best Mother's Day gift I have ever and will ever have.

Love Always, Mommy



Dear Monkey,
I think Daddy and I found out together again and then we were on the phones calling our families.  Everyone was once again so happy!!!!  Everyone knew how much we wanted to be parents and how long we had been waiting.  They also all knew the unimaginable heart-break we already had.  They were just praying we would finally have a baby in our arms soon.

Love Always,   Mommy


Dear Cub,
I only knew about you for a few minutes before I was told that you were also gone.  Luckily, I was able to get a hold of your Daddy and Aunt Star and let them know about you and that you maybe had a beating heart.  They were SOOOO HAPPY!!!!  They once again prayed that you would survive and we would get you in our arms.  Tragically, I would call them up a few minutes later and tell them although you were still inside me, your heart had stopped also.  Daddy was devastated and I think that was the moment he resigned himself to the fact that we would never have living children.

Love Always,  Mommy

30-Day Grief Challenge Day #3

Stillborn Challenge Day #3

Teddies and Toys?

Dear Little Man,
The only stuffed animal you have is your stuffed doggy Patches.  That's alright though because he is VERY special and cherished by your Daddy and I.  Five days before I lost you, your Aunt Star and Aunt K1 and I went to a mall and made you an ADORABLE stuffed dog at Build-A-Bear.  The dog has raggedy fur in white and brown patches (there is even a patch that looks like a heart).  Both Daddy and I adored Patches and couldn't wait for you to love him too.

When we lost you, Patches became even more important and needed by us.  We both took turns clinging to him at the hospital.  I clung to him after we left with empty arms.  For an entire month after you left, he was in our arms wherever we were.  When we weren't holding him, he was on a shelf in our room with the box of your ashes in his lap.  When we lost Rain, Monkey and Cub, they too got special stuffed animals (lamb, pterodactyl and bear respectively) and they joined Patches, either in our arms or on the shelf.


I will truly be heartbroken if there ever comes a day when Patches, Spring, Happy Hawkie and Carmel are too warn out to hold.









Miscarriage Challenge Day #3

My first Mommy Planning?


Dear Rain,
I think the first thing I began planning for you was your baby shower.  I didn't have a baby shower for Little Man (I don't even know if I would have gotten one if he had lived) and I always wanted one.  I was thinking about how to correlate Little Man into it.  I also planned to have rainbows (because you were our rainbow baby).  I was thinking what games we would play and who would be there, what I would put on my baby registry.  Planning your baby shower gave me something happy to think about besides missing Little Man.


Dear Monkey,
The first thing I planned for you was your newborn photo session (I would really have to talk your Papa Bear into having one).  I already planned on getting you a few onesies that said "hand picked by my siblings in Heaven" and "I am the rainbow after the storm".  I thought about other themes the pictures would show and looked into the popular knitted hats and other props.  I couldn't WAIT to have you here and be able to take these photos.


Dear Cub,
I'm so saddened that I didn't know about you long enough to do anything besides pray "PLEASE BE OK!!!"  It was only a few minutes between I heard "There is another baby and I think I see a heartbeat" to "I'm sorry but there's no heartbeat."  I could have easily added you to the newborn photo shoot I was planning for Monkey.  I wished you could have at least stayed.



Wherever They Are, Our Love Will Follow!!!

Love Mommy!!!!!

A listening ear can go a long ways

Have any of you found that when you are in a mood where everything feels like a trigger and you talk to someone about it that you feel better? I had a REALLY BAD (emotional wise) 2 weeks. Everything was setting off triggers and I felt like an emotional wreck on the inside. I haven't been that bad in 3 years.

I kept my emotional crisis bottled up until last night when I couldn't take it anymore. I ended up talking to my cousin about how I was feeling. She lost her 3 month old daughter (and 19 year old sister) to Trisomy 18 and last week had her 3rd miscarriage. I told her everything I was feeling and we talked for about an hour. I felt a little bit better after talking with her but I still felt emotionally heavy.

This morning, out of the blue, I confessed to my husband what I have been struggling with for the past 2 weeks. We talked for about 10 minutes about it. After we finished talking, I felt 95% better. The weight of the grief and everything I had been carrying around was lifted off my shoulders and I FINALLY had peace.

I have been thinking for the rest of the day on what was it that took the weight off? My husband didn't say anything spectacular. He just allowed me to talk and he listened. He asked why I thought I was having such a triggery 2 weeks. I told him that Little Man was born still 3&1/2 years ago today and on Wednesday will be 2 years since we lost Monkey and Cub. I also told him of the many things that triggered me. He said ok and we changed topics.

I couldn't believe what a difference a TRULY listening ear had on my situation. I wish society had more people who whole heartedly listened to what us grieving families had to say.

30-Day Grief Challenge Day #2

Since I will be busy all day tomorrow, I decided I would also do Day #2 today as well.

Day #2 Stillborn

What is the meaning behind your name?

Dear Little Man,  

When I was about 18 years old, I was sitting in church one Sunday and as I was sitting there, my 'spiritual eyes' saw a littleblonde headed boy around 2 years old crawling down the bench.  My mind called out "M you get back here."  The little boy stopped, turned his head to look back at me, shook his head 'no' and continued to crawl away from me. I was in mild shock but I fell head over heals in love with that imp of a boy.  I loved him and I wanted him above everything.  From that moment on, I held on tight to the hopeful promise that I would one day have that blonde headed boy named M, and guess what???  I DID, just not in the way I wanted.  

Day #2 Miscarriage

I  was hoping you were a boy or a girl?

Dear Rain,

I was hoping above all that you would be a girl.  In the same 'vision' that I met Little Man,  I met you as well.  As Little Man continued down the church pew after I asked him to come back (and he told me 'no'),  'I' couldn't go after him because I was holding a little baby girl in my arms.  She was about 3 months old and was sound asleep.  She was wearing a beautiful white dress and I saw the name A written above her in pink cursive writing.  Just as I did with Little Man, I fell in love with the baby girl in my arms.  I too wanted her and hoped she would be in my physical arms very soon.  

Dear Monkey,

Since your Aunt Star and I are twins, I was hoping one day that I would have a set of twins, but a girl/boy this time.  Twins also run heavily on your Papa Bears side so the odds were pretty good.  The day after I lost you and found out that I was really pregnant with twins, it was bittersweet to know that my dream came true, just not in the way I had planned.  

Dear Cub,

I was hoping that you were a boy to complete my girl/boy twin dream.  When I found out that you were indeed in me, I was SOOOO HAPPY!!!!  My heart broke when a few minutes later, I found out I had lost you too.      

30-Day Grief Challenge Day #1

A woman on one of my support groups, wrote prompts for a 30-day challenge.  She wrote prompts appropriate for miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal loss and encouraged us to really put an effort into doing this challenge.  I will answer the prompts for Stillbirth and miscarriage for my 4 Angels.

Stillbirth Day #1

My favorite clothing item that we bought for you?

Dear Little Man,

Your Papa Bear is a very practical and minimalist person.  He only gets things if we have a need for it in that moment.  I was over 22 weeks pregnant with you and we still hadn't boughten a single thing to prepare for your arrival.  When I was 22w5d I finally convinced him to go with your Aunt Star and I to look (NOT BUY) at cribs, car seats, strollers etc.  Tragically it was during that outing that I last felt you kick, the night I lost you.  

We did however receive a few outfits from other family members for you.  My Aunt B sent you a Los Angeles Angels (my FAVORITE baseball team) shirt and shorts.  I couldn't wait to put it on you.  Your Uncle J sent you your first Disneyland shirt.  He couldn't wait to share with you his love of Disney (and trains).  Your Grandpa and Grandma B gave you a very simple but special outfit that they got for your Papa Bear for a special occasion.  Also with that outfit, was a blanket that was made by your Papa Bears' Great-Grandmother for your Grandpa B for the same occasion.  

My favorite outfit though was made by your Grandma B and Aunt K1.  When I found out that you had passed away, I asked your Grandma B to sew you an outfit you could be buried/cremated in.  Your Grandma B and Aunt K1 made a BEAUTIFUL, TINY kimono gown that opened in the front.  The gown it's self was white but they knitted or crocheted beautiful blue trim around it and ties  They also made a matching   blanket with a hand-sewn teddy bear on it.  They brought it to the hospital and I was in complete awe about how beautiful and perfect it was for you.  Luckily the hospital provided another outfit for you so I could keep the one Grandma B and Aunt K1 made.  I couldn't bear to let that outfit and blanket go.  The blanket is used now to shroud your 'urn' and the gown is safe with the rest of your and your siblings keepsakes.  

Day #1 Miscarriage

When I first found out I was pregnant with you, my reaction was...

Dear Rain,  

Words could not describe how happy, ecstatic, joyful, etc both your Papa Bear and I felt when we found out about your arrival.  We had just lost Little Man just 3 months before.  Our lives were in the deepest, coldest, loneliest, darkness anyone could ever be in.  Our world was turned upside down and was at a complete stop.  We were lost and we just wanted Little Man back.  

It was in the wee hours of Mother's Day 2014 (May 11, 2014) when I took the test.  Papa Bear and I were on a min-vacation, a chance to be away from home and get my mind off that most dreaded holiday.  Mother's Day was just a huge painful reminder of what I had lost with the passing of Little Man.  

When I got the positive on the pregnancy test, our world was getting bright again.  You were to be our Rainbow Baby (a baby born after a Loss). Just like a rainbow after a storm, for the 10 short days you were with us, you brought beauty, light, hope, peace and promise into our lives.  

Dear Monkey,

Just as with Rain, when Daddy and I found out about your arrival, we were once again beyond words for how happy we were.  Little Man and Rain had been gone for over a year when we found out about you, but we were still missing them beyond words.  You once again brought light, peace, hope, and beauty into our lives.  We loved, wanted and needed you so much!!!  We wished we didn't have to say goodbye to you too.

Dear Cub,

I had lost Monkey the night before we found out about you.  I kept her tiny body from having a 'water birth' in the bathroom.  Papa Bear and I cried as we held her tiny body (about the size of a raspberry).  I went to the doctor the next to get an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok.  As the technician moved the wand over my belly, we both saw a tiny gummy bear shape.  That gummy bear was you!!!  I was SOOOO HAPPY that I was pregnant with twins!!!  Maybe you would make it and we would have a miracle baby.  The technician said she thought she saw your tiny heart beating.  I was beyond happy to be given that hope that you were alright.  

The technician printed off a few pictures and sent me to my doctors office so the doctor could confirm that you were ok.  When I got to the office, the kind doctor and a kind nurse took me into a room and told me again the devastating news that yes, the gummy bear shape was in fact you, but that your heart had stopped.  I burst into tears as the nurse held me.  I told them to please tell me they were lying, that you weren't gone too.  I only had the hope of you for just a few minutes and then you were gone.  I have no words to describe the agony I felt when I learned you were gone.