Capture Your Grief 2016- Day #5 THE UNSPOKEN!!!

Capture Your Grief 2016 - Day #5 THE UNSPOKEN!!!! Today's challenge is a bit difficult to do because it is about letting the world know something in how you have grieved on your journey that society would judge against.  It is something that society would deem unnatural and crazy but to Loss families it is a way to find comfort.  The hope is that if we speak out about this, it will show other Loss families that what they do is normal and is ok.  Hopefully too it will help society accept how we grieve so we don't have to hide anymore.  By the way, if you know my husband, please don't tell him about this post. He would be very embarrassed.

5 days before I last felt Little Man kick, Star, one  sister-in-law and I went to Build-A-Bear to make Little Man his first stuffed animal.  We picked out a raggy dog that was white and had dark brown patches (even one looked like a heart). We named him Patches. I was so proud of Patches and showed him off to quite a few people.  Bear and I enjoyed having Patches around and getting ready for Little Man to arrive in 4 more months.

As soon as Bear and I got home from the doctors office after finding out Little Man's heart had stopped, Bear and I picked Patches up and he remained in our arms for a full month.  We clung to Patches in the hospital. I clung to him on the way home to help with my empty arms.  We clung to him as we sat at home trying to figure out how to live without Little Man.  We clung to him at night when it seemed like the night would never end.  I left him in the car when I ran errands, wishing I could actually bring him with me.

After a month, Bear and I decided it was time to put Patches back on the shelf so he wouldn't get ruined (we wanted Patches to last for decades more).

Two and half months later, when we lost Rain, my sister and I went back to Build-A-Bear and got her a lamb. We named her Spring.  Because we didn't want to ruin Spring either, we put her on the shelf next to Patches and she remained there.

The morning after I lost Monkey, I had a doctors appointment to check up on the miscarriage process.  While I was there, Bear and Star went to Build-A-Dinosaur (same thing as Build -A-Bear just with dinosaurs).  Bear picked out a blue pterodactyl for her named Happy Hawkey (Bear picked that name)

During the appointment it was discovered that I had been pregnant with twins and one of the babies was still inside me. Sadly though, that baby didn't have a heartbeat.  When I told Bear the news, he and Star stooped off at Toys R Us and bought that baby (Cub) a little fuzzy stuffed bear named Carmel

When Bear and Star came home with Happy Hawkey and Carmel, Bear got Patches and Spring off the shelf and put them on the couch with us and Happy Hawkey and Carmel.

For the next year, those 4 stuffed animals were apart of Bear and I's lives.  They sat with us while we watched TV. We slept with them at night (we each slept with 2 of them and traded off).  We took them if we went away on the weekends (we snuck them under a blanket into our in-laws house all the time). When we were having a rough day, we would cuddle with them.  We even took them to church with us all the time (we used them to keep our primary class (4&5 year olds) reverent.

Having these stuffed animals with us and not sitting on a shelf, REALLY helped on our journey (ESPECIALLY my husband).  My husband had a hard time getting over the loss of our children, especially since he didn't have the connection with our kids that I did.  These stuffed animals gave him something to hold, something tangible that gave him a connection.  I can't put into words how much having these stuffed animals have meant to Bearl and I.

Something happed about 6 weeks ago that made us decide to put the stuffed animals back on the shelf.  So as of now, they are sitting on a shelf in our room for the foreseeable future.

I know to most of you we sound crazy to have had such a connection to stuffed animals, but unless you have aching hearts and empty arms, you won't understand how comforting and healing it is to have something tangible to hold.

#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day5 #whathealsyou #carleymarieproject.

Capture Your Grief 2106- Day #4 SUPPORT CIRCLES!!!

 Today I am going to talk about the support I have received from the many people and organizations on my Loss journey. I talked quite a bit about this in yesterdays post, but I'll talk about it some more today because this topic is SUCH an important one to a Loss family.

When parents find out that they lost their baby (no matter how old or how far along), their world comes to a complete stop. Their lives are upside down. They are completely lost and have no idea what to do. All they can think about and focus on is 'our baby is gone'.

That is why a strong support system is so important!!! Loss families NEED others to help them right their world and get it moving again.

I remember when the nurse said the words "I'm sorry but this pregnancy is a loss", I went into immediate shock. I had no idea what to do I was so lost. I couldn't even find my way out of the room, out of the office and into the car. Bear had to guide me because I didn't even remember where we were at, let alone where I was supposed to go.

The first support circle I immediately turned to was family. The instant we got into the car (even before we left the parking lot) after hearing the life changing words, I was on the phone calling both sides of the family to tell them about this tragedy. The support I got from them was priceless.

My entire in-law family lived within 2 hours so they were a huge help. Many of them were able to be at the hospital with Bear and I, despite the white-out blizzard that they had to drive in. Others could not be there in person (because of the blizzard) but I knew they were with us in spirit. I could feel their thoughts, tears and prayers. My Mother In-Law and a Sister-In-Law made Little Man a BEAUTIFUL outfit and blanket to be cremated in (we ended up keeping the outfit and blanket). There have been countless other acts of service and love, my entire In-law family have given to Bear and I throughout our journey, including a BEAUTIFUL memorial service for Little Man and Rain

Although most of my side of the family lived 1,600 miles away, they too were a huge support on my journey. Star (who was 2 hours away) came over for visits as much as possible or I would go visit her. We were always on the phone calling or texting. Other family members would also make almost daily calls. They sent cards, letters, keepsakes and their thoughts and prayers.

Friends also were a big support to me. Most of my friends also lived 1,600 miles away but I would call them or message them on FB and they would help guide me back to the land of the living.

I can't talk enough about the support I received from support groups on the internet. I spent hours each day on one called BabyCenter Miscarriage Stillborn and Infant Loss Support. It is comforting to be in contact with so many other families going through the same things as me. I was able to talk to them about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING and they knew exactly how I felt.

I am still very active on that support board, even though I lost the twins over 1 year ago. I now get to help other families just starting on this journey and be a tiny part in righting their world again.

Thank-you everyone once again for being with me on my journey. I really do appreciate and love having your support!!!! SURE LOVE YA!!!!

Capture Your Grief 2016- Day #3 WHAT IT FEELS LIKE

Capture Your Grief- Day #3 WHAT IT FELT LIKE!!! Today's challenge is once again not a photograph, but this one is to describe positive and/or negative reactions we received from others regarding our losses.  We are to paint a picture for you so you can see what it is like to be a bereaved parent.

I NEVER THOUGHT I would BE on this journey (no one ever does)!!!!  I NEVER WANTED to BE on this journey (no one ever does)!!!!! This is a journey thousands of new families start every day but it is one you never want to take.

Society doesn't help with this journey because we are not allowed to talk about 'dead babies' (it makes society uncomfortable).  A journey of child loss is heartbreaking and so lonely.  Society judges on whether your baby was alive or not (especially if you lost during pregnancy).  If society finds your baby did not live up to their version of being alive, then you have no right to grieve (because your baby wasn't anything more then a mass of cells).

Society gets to decide how families get to react to their loss and how long we are allowed to grieve.  I hear countless stories in my Loss Support groups where families were judged harshly by others.  

Society also forgets about the Loss families.  Just after you lose a child, you will probably get quite a bit of support in the first couple of weeks, but after that, you almost always get lost and forgotten in the hassle and bustle of other people's lives (even though your life has come to a complete upside down stop)

When I lost Little Man and Rain, I really only had 2 people that kept in contact with me after the first couple of weeks. Bear was away from work from 5AM to 7:15PM and in bed by 8PM Monday through Friday so I didn't have his support.  I was completely alone (except for quite a few birds and a dog).  No one invited me to do something.  No one brought dinners (we did have someone bring over one dinner).  No one came over for visits.  No one called or texted me (besides the 2 people I mentioned earlier).  I spent HOURS EVERY SINGLE DAY in a very dark place emotionally.  I CRIED for HOURS.  I kept telling myself over and over again (for 14 months) that I killed my children, that i was such a bad mom that I let my children die (I will talk about that experience on another day).  I truly felt I was completely alone in the world.

I did have many friends on the Loss Support board I was an active on.  BabyCenter Miscarriage, Stillborn and Infant Loss (MSIL) Support board was a lifesaver for me.  It gave me a place I could message other families going through the same things as me.  I also was able to support many people on their journey.  If you or someone you know has lost a child and they need support, I suggest this place.  The women are so supportive and we are like a big family united in a tragic cause.

Many times society does not mean to be nasty.  They are trying to help or trying to 'fix' things (I will be talking about this subject on another day too). They also have no idea how to react to a Loss families grief.

I have been blessed though to have had countless

  positive reactions from others with my losses.  After I lost Little Man, I received flowers, cards, letters, treasured keepsakes, acts of service and much much more from family, friends and even complete strangers (there were way too many acts of kindness to be named individually).

After I lost Rain , I received even more cards, messages, keepsakes, prayers and blessings from others. I even was given a memorial ceremony by family for Little Man and Rain.

I didn't get too much acknowledgment after I lost Monkey and Cub.  I did get a few messages from others but they seemed to have been quickly forgotten.  I know I only had them for a moment, but they are still children that need to be remembered.

There are MANY ups and downs on this journey and each one teaches you something and makes you a stronger and better person, if you allow it.

Thank you all so much for your uplifting comments so far!!! They really to help me!!! Please spread the word about Pregnancy and Infant Loss because most likely you or someone you know (and you might not even know it) has lost a child!!!

#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day3 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject

Capture Your Grief Day #2 Who They Are

Capture Your Grief (Day #2) Who They Are!!! This challenge isn't a photo, but it is one where I share about my beautiful children today. Who are they? When were they born? How long did you have them for? What are their names? Share as much or as little as I feel comfortable with.

Little Man- I was SOOOO EXCITED when I found out I was pregnant with Little Man.  I had been longing to be a mom for decades.  Although I had awful morning sickness with him, he made me so happy!!!! I was so proud of my tiny baby bump and I cherished every one of his kicks.  I will never forget the kicking frenzy he did the evening before his anatomy scan and the one he did in the early morning of when I last felt him move. I also will never forget the last kick I felt him give me.

I felt like my world came to an end on February 3, 2014, when after several days of not feeling him move  I heard the words "I'm sorry but this pregnancy is a loss".  I was in complete shock!!! I couldn't believe my Little Man was gone!!!! Bear and I drove to Research Medical Center in Kansas City the next morning for me to be induced.  We had to drive in a historic, white-out blizzard.

My Mother-in-law, both sister in-laws and Star were all able to be there with us (many other family members were not able to be there because of the blizzard).  I was in a pain med-free labor for 12 hours before Little Man arrived on February 6, 2014 at 9:56AM (2 days before my 34th birthday and 7 days after Bear's 33rd birthday) on what would have been his 24week mark.  Little Man weighed 1lb 4.6oz and was 12 inches long.  He had LIGHT blonde hair and beautiful blue/grey eyes (one of them was open).

We all spent the next 5 hours holding him, dressing him, talking to him and taking over 100 pictures of him.  It was such bitter-sweet moments.  My arms finally felt full.  They had been empty for so long, but for those 5 hours they FINALLY got to hold a child that was mine.  Of course it was also devastating because he was gone and I would never be able to hold him again.

After 5 hours of having him with us, it was time to say a final goodbye to Little Man. A second blizzard was going to start in a couple of hours so we had to get home.  Bear held him in his arms while I gave him a kiss goodbye.  We laid him in the bassinet as I sat in the wheelchair being pushed by a porter.  A nurse was pushing Little Man in front of me while Bear walked beside me.  We came to a stop in front of a locked door.  The nurse unlocks the door and pushes Little Man's bassinet inside the tiny broom closet of a room.  The nurse walks back out of the room and closes and locks the door and we continue on our way down the hall.

I wanted with everything inside me to get up and break that door down, grab Little Man and run and keep on running.  I wanted to spend so much longer with him.  I didn't get enough time!!!! Tragically I couldn't get any more time with him. Those 5 hours and those 100+ pictures of him will have to last me the rest of my life.

Rain- I found out I was pregnant with Rain on May 11, 2014 (Mothers Day).  I was once again SOOOO EXCITED when I found out I was pregnant with her.  We had lost Little Man 3 months before and were still devastated.  Rain was going to be our Rainbow Baby (a baby born after a loss).  She brought us hope, beauty, joy, light, promise into our life of storms.  We loved and wanted and needed her so much!!!!  We thought we would be able to keep her this time.  We didn't think Heavenly Father would take away another one of our children when we wanted and needed her.

On the early morning of May 19th, I had a dream/nightmare where I lost this baby as well.  It was a very confusing dream (one that I will never forget).  In this dream I see a tiny baby girl laying in a tiny white casket wearing a beautiful white dress and matching bonnet.  The baby girl is SOOOO BEAUTIFUL and is surrounded by a warm, bright light.  Although this baby was gone, I knew she was mine and I loved her above everything!!! I was soooo happy being around her and being able to curess her arms, hands, feet, face and cheeks.  As I am starring down at her, she begins to cry.  I pick her up out of the casket and hold her close to my chest and rock side to side.  Although she had miraculous came back to life, I was in tears and filled with such sorrow.  I kept saying over and over again "I lost my Rain. My beautiful Rain".

I woke up from the dream and was really confused.  I couldn't understand why I had a dream where I lost our daughter but then came back to life.  Are we going to loose this baby, if so why did this girl live in the end. If we do get to keep this baby, why did I dream we lost her???

Sadly I began bleeding at 9:30 PM, the next evening.  I knew I had indeed lost our daughter although I was begging Bear and God to not let it be true.  I continued to bleed for the rest of the night and into the next day.  On May 21,2014 (exactly 31/2 months since Little Man was born-still) Rain arrived at 5weeks3days, just 10 days after I found out I was pregnant.

Monkey and Cub-. After we lost Rain, Bear and I decided to take a full year off from trying to convince and make sure we both were ready physically and emotionally to try again.  I went to several doctors to make sure everything was ok. Everything came back normal.

I got pregnant during my 2nd cycle after taking the year off.  I started bleeding again at 5 weeks.  I went to several doctors to see if the bleeding could be stopped.  Nothing could be done with the bleeding, but I was able to get several ultrasounds and see a baby.  Although the baby was measuring smaller then it should, it had a strong heartbeat.

On the evening of August 9, 2015 at what would have been 7weeks6days, I lost Monkey  I screamed for Bear to come over to confirm what I had found.  He agreed it was our baby and I began to cry.  I begged Bear to forgive me for keep losing his children.  We both cried and held each other for quite awhile.

The next day, I went in for another ultrasound to make sure everything passed.  We were surprised to find another baby (Cub) on the ultrasound.  I ended up being pregnant with twins.  Sadly though, this baby didn't have a heartbeat.  Since I had been bleeding for several weeks already, it was decided that I would take medication to speed up the miscarriage process.  After 2 days and 4 hours of intense labor pain, Cub arrived.

I'm so blessed to have had these 4 children in my life.  Although i had them for such a short time, they changed our lives forever!!!!

#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016day2 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject

Capture Your Grief 2016 Day #1 SUNRISE DEDICATION

This morning starts Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  To help spread the word and to share with you my experiences with my own 4 losses, I will be taking part in a daily photography challenge called Capture Your Grief.

Capture Your Grief 2016 DAY 1: SUNRISE DEDICATION

Here is a picture of this morning's sun.  Star and I went outside this morning at 6:30 to watch the 7:05 sunrise here in Columbia Missouri. The clouds ended up being way too thick to see the sun, but we did get some pretty pictures.

Sunrises brought me much comfort during my healing.  It showed me that I made it through another dark night (both literally and figuratively).  The most memorable sunrise I remember happened 3 weeks after Little Man was born still at 24weeks.  I was driving to visit Star who was going to school 2 hours away. I started my drive before sunrise.  I was still heavily grieving Little Man and had many 'miss him' and endurance songs on my phones play list.

As the sun was starting to break through the horizon in front of me, a song called 'Hold On' by Michael McLean (a religious singer) came on my phone.  Here are the lyrics

The message of this moment is so clear;
And as certain as the rising of the sun.
If your world is filled with darkness doubt and fear,
Just hold on, Hold on; the light will come.
Ev'ryone who's ever tried and failed
Stands much taller when the victory's won.
And those who've been in darkness for a while
Kneel much longer when the light has come.

It's a lesson ev'ry one of us must learn;
That the answers never come without a fight.
And when it seems you've struggled far too long,
Just hold on, hold on; there will be light.

Hold on. Hold on. The light will come.

When you feel trapped inside a never-ending night.
If you've forgotten how it feels to feel the light,
If you're half crazy thinking you're the only one
Who's afraid the light will never really come

Just hold on. Hold on! The light will come.

The message of this moment is so clear;
And as certain as the rising of the sun.
If your world is filled with darkness doubt and fear.
Just hold on, hold on, the light will come

Those lyrics, music and that sunrise is just what I needed at that moment to remind me that although I felt like I was in darkness, the light would be coming in my life again.

I had a lot more opportunities to see the sunrise after I lost Rain at 6weeks.  At the time, Bear and I lived 90 minutes away from Bear's work.  The stress of his job and the recent loss of Rain and the loss of Little Man just 31/2 months before, caused MAJOR stress on Bear where literally all he would do was work or sleep.  It got so bad that I had to drive him to and from work while he slept in the passenger seat.  We would leave the house at 5AM, drop him off at work at 6:30AM and then I would drive home from 6:30 to around 8AM (to pick him up, I would leave at 2PM, get there at 3:30 and get home around 5).

I saw countless sunrises during those drives and each one reminded me to Hold On!!!!
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day1 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

Besides October being Breast Cancer Awareness month it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  So when you Think Pink add some blue for those families who never got to hold their children or who can't hold them any longer.

I will be taking part in a daily photography challenge called Capture Your Grief.  It will be a way for me talk about the experiences with my 4 losses and how this journey has influenced my life.  I look forward to sharing something so dear to my heart with all of you this month.

#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!

Today is a day that is dreaded, feared and heartbreaking for many.  I had a very hurtful childhood when it came to the topic of mothers.  As I grew older, and ACHED to be mother, Mother's Day still had a bleak impression on me.  Now for the past 3 years, that I have been a mother to 4 Angels, Mother's Day is one of great sorrow!!!!

It is so painful and it physically hurts to be a mother to Angels, especially on Mother's Day!!!  When little children sing songs and make gifts for their mothers at school and church, it hurts to know no child will ever do that for you.  When children of all ages search the stores for flowers and cards to send to their mothers, knowing that there isn't a child doing that for you is heartbreaking.  Mother's Day is a day of celebrating the joys of motherhood.

What about those mothers who had children in her womb, but never got to hold them in her arms?  What about mothers who held her children for just a few moments but then had to let them go?  What about those mothers who had longer with her children to created memories but then it came to an end?  What do these mothers have to celebrate?  What proof do these women have that they were mothers?  Are these women even mother's anymore????

YES!!!  The moment you find out you are pregnant, YOU ARE A MOTHER AND WILL BE FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!!!!  Motherhood doesn't begin or end when you have a child in your arms.  Motherhood begins at that first positive pregnancy and it continues until your love ends.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE ANGELS AS CHILDREN!!!!

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am witting to you from heaven, and though it might appear.
A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card.
A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought,
Every card you could imagine.

Except I could not fine a card,
From a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter were I reside.
I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know,
That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, she dreams with me, we still share laughter too.
Memories are our way of speaking now, could you see what you could do.

My mother she carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.
She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night.

She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells.
She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth.
I must find a way to remind her of her wondrous worth.

She needs to be honored, and remembered too.
Just as the children, on earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best.
I have done all I can do, to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me.
Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

Author Unknown