It has been a few weeks since I have posted last. Those missing weeks have been filled with birthdays!!!! Bear's 35th birthday was on January 30th. Little Man's 2nd Birthday was on February 6th and Star and I's 36th birthday was on February 8th. We had great days celebrating those special events with a visit from my in-laws (whom I LOVE and enjoy every moment I spend with them) and 2 trips to Saint Louis 2 hours away and 2 cakes. With all of the celebrating and fun, I still found myself thinking about how different those events were 2 years ago.
For Bear's birthday 2 years ago (January 30, 2014), I was still in a complete inward panic because I hadn't felt Little Man move in 2 days. I couldn't voice my concerns though, because everyone told me Little Man was fine, he was just being lazy. His parents were again down for a visit. I had been thinking about my Mother-In-Law all day and how much that day must have meant to her. You see, my In-laws endured more then 19 pregnancy losses (18+ early miscarriages and 1 stillborn daughter) in 8 years before becoming pregnant with my husband and his 4 younger siblings. At the time I couldn't imagine losing any children, let alone 20 of them. I couldn't imagine the devastation each loss caused them. I couldn't imagine what courage it took them to keep trying. I couldn't imagine what joy they had that first moment when they heard my husband cry for the first time or finally had him in their arms. Little did I know just 4 days later, I would tragically find out about my own loss.
On February 6th, I reflected on that day in 2014. I remembered the physical and emotional pain of the 12 hours of labor, knowing I would never hear Little Man cry. I remembered 9:56AM when Little Man was born. I remembered 10:03 when Little Man was placed in my arms for the very first time. I remembered how for the next 5 hours we held, talked to, dressed and took pictures of him. I remembered at 3:00 Bear and I gave Little Man our last hug and kiss goodbye. I remembered at 3:30 Little Man was pushed into a locked room and I left the hospital with empty arms. Too many bittersweet memories of that day!!!!
For Star and I's birthday, I once again spent time thinking about what happened 2 years before. I remember Star spending a few days with Bear and I. It had just been 2 days since we said goodbye to Little Man and I was still in a daze and acted like everything was ok. Bear's parents and one of his sisters came again for a visit and I acted fine, like I had been since I stopped feeling Little Man move, since the day we found out he had passed and since the day he was born still. They stayed for a few hours and talked and had dinner and apple pie (I much prefer apple pie to cake).
When they left, all of the sudden my wall came crashing down and I finally had my first meltdown. I sobbed heartbreaking cry's. I sat on the floor rocking back and forth begging someone to either bring Little Man back or let me go where he was at. I just wanted my son!!!! HUGE, HOT tears poured from my eyes for a good hour. Bear and Star held me and cried with me for that hour. It was a very heartbreaking release but once I had it, I did feel much better (well as good as you can feel after you lost a child 2 days before).
After I calmed down, Bear, Star and I ran a quick errand just to get me out of the house for a few minutes. I remembered having a mini meltdown while we were in the store. While Bear and Star were looking at something and trying to decide what to get, I remembered clinging to the cart handle and begging them to hurry. I couldn't decide if I was going to cry or start yelling because there were too many people, too many babies, too many children and it was all too overwhelming. Luckily just before I reached my meltdown limit, we were on our way to check-out and home. I don't remember much more about that day (we probably watched a movie or a tv show at home) , but do remember it was the day that I started to heal.
Showing posts with label Micah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Micah. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Last Kicks
2 years ago today marks the 2nd Anniversary that I felt Little Man kick for the last time. It might seem like such an unusual thing to remember but memories are all I have of him. I really don't have a past with him. I don't have a present with him and, in this life, I don't have a future with him. These memories are all I have and get to have with him.
I was 22weeks5days along. Star, Bear and I had been out baby window shopping ALL DAY!!! We looked at car seats, cribs, clothing, baby furniture and many other things. It was 6:30PM and we were enjoying the furniture section of the last store and talking about all we had seen that day. I felt Little Man give a tiny kick and got so excited and told Star and Bear about it. I had been feeling Little Man kick for several weeks now, but Star hadn't had the opportunity to feel him yet. I was hoping Little Mas would kick a little bit harder so Star would finally be able to feel him. I wanted SO MUCH for him to have another kicking frenzy, like he had earlier that morning and the morning of his anatomy scan. It was not to be though. I would never feel Little Man kicks ever again. Here is a poem I wrote a few weeks after Little Man was born still.
You Fluttered Away
Where did you go and take your butterfly flutters?
Kicks, jabs and movement that are felt by mothers.
It's your way of saying hello and you're alright.
I treasured the feeling of them both day and night.
One evening it came to a sorrowful end.
The flutters ceased and I still can not comprehend.
I was filled with such worry when you were so still
With the words "This pregnancy is a loss" I lost all my will.
You fluttered away without reason or goodbye.
Now all I want to do is be alone and cry.
My heart is broken, I just want to be with you.
I wake up each morning and pray this is not true.
I still have a hole in my heart where you still are.
Others say you are close by but you feel so far.
Now I sing your lullabies to the stars and the moon
Sweet songs full of "I love you" and "I'll hold you soon".
I was 22weeks5days along. Star, Bear and I had been out baby window shopping ALL DAY!!! We looked at car seats, cribs, clothing, baby furniture and many other things. It was 6:30PM and we were enjoying the furniture section of the last store and talking about all we had seen that day. I felt Little Man give a tiny kick and got so excited and told Star and Bear about it. I had been feeling Little Man kick for several weeks now, but Star hadn't had the opportunity to feel him yet. I was hoping Little Mas would kick a little bit harder so Star would finally be able to feel him. I wanted SO MUCH for him to have another kicking frenzy, like he had earlier that morning and the morning of his anatomy scan. It was not to be though. I would never feel Little Man kicks ever again. Here is a poem I wrote a few weeks after Little Man was born still.
You Fluttered Away
Where did you go and take your butterfly flutters?
Kicks, jabs and movement that are felt by mothers.
It's your way of saying hello and you're alright.
I treasured the feeling of them both day and night.
One evening it came to a sorrowful end.
The flutters ceased and I still can not comprehend.
I was filled with such worry when you were so still
With the words "This pregnancy is a loss" I lost all my will.
You fluttered away without reason or goodbye.
Now all I want to do is be alone and cry.
My heart is broken, I just want to be with you.
I wake up each morning and pray this is not true.
I still have a hole in my heart where you still are.
Others say you are close by but you feel so far.
Now I sing your lullabies to the stars and the moon
Sweet songs full of "I love you" and "I'll hold you soon".
Monday, January 4, 2016
Our Options: Natural or Cytotec
After it was confirmed we had lost Little Man, my midwife gave us two options for what we could do next. Our first option was to go to the hospital and be induced and have Little Man within a few days. The other option was to allow nature to take it's course and allow Little Man to come naturally. If we allowed him to come naturally, it could take up to several weeks for him to come. My midwife had a stillborn daughter a few years before and she chose to go naturally. It took 4 weeks for her daughter to come.
Since it had been a REALLY harsh winter already (-35 degrees F the weekend before) and several record breaking blizzards hitting within the next few days, Bear and I decided I would be induced. My midwife sent us home and said she would contact us when she was able to get ahold of the doctor at the hospital. The doctor called us the next morning (Tuesday February 4, 2014) at 10AM and told us to be at the hospital by 1PM that afternoon.
Bear and I arrive at 1:45 and get checked into the hospital. The doctor arrives at 4PM and I get started on cytotec. I am given 50mg for the first dose. 4 hours later I am given 100mg and 4 hours later (and for the rest of my doses) I am given 200mg. The doctor warned that "with this situation don't be surprised if it takes a very long time for things to start and then once it starts, it will happen super fast."
I am given a dose every 4 hours. I am also checked for dilation at every dose. For my first dose, I am 0cm dilated. For my next dose I measured 1cm. Contractions start at 9PM Wednesday night (so about 29 hours after I was given my first dose). I continued to get 200mg cytotec and checked every 4 hours, My contractions become tear inducing pain at 2AM Thursday morning. By 5AM I want to scream and 8AM I want to die.
I, and the nurse, was completely surprised that at my 6AM check I was still only at 1cm dilated. When my pain became 'I want to die' I convinced the nurse to check me again. She first timed my contractions at 8:30AM and discovered that they were around 90 seconds apart and lasting for over 1 minute. She was shocked and quickly checked me. After checking me, she ran out of the room calling for the intern. He checked me and he affirmed that I was 10cm and was ready to push.
I started pushing at 9AM and Little Man was born at 9:56AM on Thursday February 6, 2014 weighing 1lb 4.6oz and was 12 inches long.
So for a timeline of my experience with Cytotec: It took 29 hours for contractions to start. I was in labor for another 9-11 hours before I started dilating. I went from a 1cm dilation at my 6AM check to being a full 10cm by 8:30AM. I pushed for 1 hour.
Since it had been a REALLY harsh winter already (-35 degrees F the weekend before) and several record breaking blizzards hitting within the next few days, Bear and I decided I would be induced. My midwife sent us home and said she would contact us when she was able to get ahold of the doctor at the hospital. The doctor called us the next morning (Tuesday February 4, 2014) at 10AM and told us to be at the hospital by 1PM that afternoon.
Bear and I arrive at 1:45 and get checked into the hospital. The doctor arrives at 4PM and I get started on cytotec. I am given 50mg for the first dose. 4 hours later I am given 100mg and 4 hours later (and for the rest of my doses) I am given 200mg. The doctor warned that "with this situation don't be surprised if it takes a very long time for things to start and then once it starts, it will happen super fast."
I am given a dose every 4 hours. I am also checked for dilation at every dose. For my first dose, I am 0cm dilated. For my next dose I measured 1cm. Contractions start at 9PM Wednesday night (so about 29 hours after I was given my first dose). I continued to get 200mg cytotec and checked every 4 hours, My contractions become tear inducing pain at 2AM Thursday morning. By 5AM I want to scream and 8AM I want to die.
I, and the nurse, was completely surprised that at my 6AM check I was still only at 1cm dilated. When my pain became 'I want to die' I convinced the nurse to check me again. She first timed my contractions at 8:30AM and discovered that they were around 90 seconds apart and lasting for over 1 minute. She was shocked and quickly checked me. After checking me, she ran out of the room calling for the intern. He checked me and he affirmed that I was 10cm and was ready to push.
I started pushing at 9AM and Little Man was born at 9:56AM on Thursday February 6, 2014 weighing 1lb 4.6oz and was 12 inches long.
So for a timeline of my experience with Cytotec: It took 29 hours for contractions to start. I was in labor for another 9-11 hours before I started dilating. I went from a 1cm dilation at my 6AM check to being a full 10cm by 8:30AM. I pushed for 1 hour.
Losing Little Man
On Tuesday January 29, 2014, at 6:30 PM, my nightmare began!!!! I was 22weeks5days that day and, Bear, Star and I spent all day out looking for baby items we would need for Little Man. We went to many stores looking at car seats, cribs, strollers, dressers, clothes etc. We were all enjoying the couch and recliner section of the last store of the day.
At 6:30PM, I felt Little Man give me a tiny kick. I was very aware of every movement from him for the rest of the night because I wanted Star to finally be able to feel Little Man kick. I wished she had been around at 2AM that morning because Little Man acted like he was having a grand party. He was kicking like crazy and doing flips for a good 10 minutes. He had only done that once before, and that had been about 2 weeks before, on the morning we found out IT'S A BOY.
I didn't feel Little Man kick for the rest of the evening. I grew a bit concerned when I didn't feel him as I got ready for bed. He usually gave a few small kicks as I settled for the night. When I didn't feel him kick by 9AM, the following morning, I KNEW something was wrong!!!! I spent HOURS scouring the internet and trying everything I could find to wake Micah up. I called my mid-wife many times in a panic. She gave me more things to try but nothing worked. She finally said he must be hiding for now. I called my Mom in tears. She told me that everything was ok, to stop worrying, to drop the subject because she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I tried telling everyone that something was wrong but the only person who believed me was Star.
With every moment that past my motherly instincts were SCREAMING "Something is wrong with Little Man. DO SOMETHING! Something is wrong with Little Man, PLEASE DO SOMETHING" It never stopped but without the support of women, who I thought were more of an expert then I was (this was my first pregnancy after all), I had no idea what to do.
I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus on a single thing besides the non-stop screaming my motherly instincts were giving off. On the outside, I looked fine and pretended everything was ok. I acted like I excepted the advice of all the 'experts'. On the inside though, I was a complete mess!!! No matter what I did, I couldn't ignore my instincts, but I felt deep guilt that I wasn't doing anything about it.
Finally after 6 days, I couldn't ignore it any longer!!! Even though most everyone was STILL telling me nothin was wrong, I demanded to see my midwife. I went in for a 1:00 PM appointment on Monday, February 3rd 2014. Bear was supposed to have gone to work that day but his car was snowed in and wasn't going anywhere. We drove the 1 hour to my midwife's office. Along the way I SWARE I felt Little Man finally give me a kick. I was SO RELEIVED and I started crying tears of joy. We decided to go to the appointment anyways just to make sure he was ok.
We get to the office and are shown into a room with a daybed. I am told to lay on the daybed and my midwife puts jelly on my belly so she could use a Doppler. She spends several minutes looking for a heart beat. She finally finds one but grabs my wrist to see if it is mine or Little Man's. It's mine!!! I begin to panic all over again.
She then pulls out an old ultrasound machine and we immediately find Little Man on the screen. He is lying on his back perfectly still. I grew concerned. My midwife said "Of course he would be sleeping for this". She tried several more moments to get him to move. Little Man continued to remain still.
My midwife takes the ultrasound machine away, cleans me up and tells us to go to a place that has a better ultrasound machine. It is the same place we went to find out Little Man was a boy and not a girl. We get to the 4-D ultrasound salon and are led into a room with large tv monitors. The technician starts the ultrasound. We see Little Man on the screen just long enough to still see him on his back. The technician immediately turned off the monitors and said "I'm sorry but this pregnancy is a loss."
My world came to a complete stop with those words!!! Although I had known deep inside for 6 days that Little Man was gone, I couldn't believe it was true. I became a lost soul and had know idea where I was, what I was doing and where I was going. All I knew was that My Little Man was gone and he was never coming back. Bear had to guide me out of the office and back to the car. I had to make the phone calls to all the family while Bear drove us back to my midwifes' office to figure out what to do next. That was difficult!!! How do you tell family that their very first grandchild and nephew was gone. How do you tell your in-laws, who had 19 pregnancy losses themselves, that you now have lost a child too? How do you tell your mother, that no everything was not ok and that Little Man was dead? How do you tell your twin sister, who was my biggest support and loved Little Man as much as I did, that he was gone? There just is no way to prepare to deliver that kind of news!!!
At 6:30PM, I felt Little Man give me a tiny kick. I was very aware of every movement from him for the rest of the night because I wanted Star to finally be able to feel Little Man kick. I wished she had been around at 2AM that morning because Little Man acted like he was having a grand party. He was kicking like crazy and doing flips for a good 10 minutes. He had only done that once before, and that had been about 2 weeks before, on the morning we found out IT'S A BOY.
I didn't feel Little Man kick for the rest of the evening. I grew a bit concerned when I didn't feel him as I got ready for bed. He usually gave a few small kicks as I settled for the night. When I didn't feel him kick by 9AM, the following morning, I KNEW something was wrong!!!! I spent HOURS scouring the internet and trying everything I could find to wake Micah up. I called my mid-wife many times in a panic. She gave me more things to try but nothing worked. She finally said he must be hiding for now. I called my Mom in tears. She told me that everything was ok, to stop worrying, to drop the subject because she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I tried telling everyone that something was wrong but the only person who believed me was Star.
With every moment that past my motherly instincts were SCREAMING "Something is wrong with Little Man. DO SOMETHING! Something is wrong with Little Man, PLEASE DO SOMETHING" It never stopped but without the support of women, who I thought were more of an expert then I was (this was my first pregnancy after all), I had no idea what to do.
I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus on a single thing besides the non-stop screaming my motherly instincts were giving off. On the outside, I looked fine and pretended everything was ok. I acted like I excepted the advice of all the 'experts'. On the inside though, I was a complete mess!!! No matter what I did, I couldn't ignore my instincts, but I felt deep guilt that I wasn't doing anything about it.
Finally after 6 days, I couldn't ignore it any longer!!! Even though most everyone was STILL telling me nothin was wrong, I demanded to see my midwife. I went in for a 1:00 PM appointment on Monday, February 3rd 2014. Bear was supposed to have gone to work that day but his car was snowed in and wasn't going anywhere. We drove the 1 hour to my midwife's office. Along the way I SWARE I felt Little Man finally give me a kick. I was SO RELEIVED and I started crying tears of joy. We decided to go to the appointment anyways just to make sure he was ok.
We get to the office and are shown into a room with a daybed. I am told to lay on the daybed and my midwife puts jelly on my belly so she could use a Doppler. She spends several minutes looking for a heart beat. She finally finds one but grabs my wrist to see if it is mine or Little Man's. It's mine!!! I begin to panic all over again.
She then pulls out an old ultrasound machine and we immediately find Little Man on the screen. He is lying on his back perfectly still. I grew concerned. My midwife said "Of course he would be sleeping for this". She tried several more moments to get him to move. Little Man continued to remain still.
My midwife takes the ultrasound machine away, cleans me up and tells us to go to a place that has a better ultrasound machine. It is the same place we went to find out Little Man was a boy and not a girl. We get to the 4-D ultrasound salon and are led into a room with large tv monitors. The technician starts the ultrasound. We see Little Man on the screen just long enough to still see him on his back. The technician immediately turned off the monitors and said "I'm sorry but this pregnancy is a loss."
My world came to a complete stop with those words!!! Although I had known deep inside for 6 days that Little Man was gone, I couldn't believe it was true. I became a lost soul and had know idea where I was, what I was doing and where I was going. All I knew was that My Little Man was gone and he was never coming back. Bear had to guide me out of the office and back to the car. I had to make the phone calls to all the family while Bear drove us back to my midwifes' office to figure out what to do next. That was difficult!!! How do you tell family that their very first grandchild and nephew was gone. How do you tell your in-laws, who had 19 pregnancy losses themselves, that you now have lost a child too? How do you tell your mother, that no everything was not ok and that Little Man was dead? How do you tell your twin sister, who was my biggest support and loved Little Man as much as I did, that he was gone? There just is no way to prepare to deliver that kind of news!!!
Friday, January 1, 2016
Meeting Little Man and Rain
As I said in the previous post (My Story), all I have ever wanted in life is to be a mother. I have been waiting, longing, praying and aching to be a mother since I was 4 years old. I did all I could to lessen the aching by playing with dolls, doing lot's of babysitting and spending every second I could with my 2 nieces. All of these things helped, but the moment the activity ended, my aching would just be louder and the emptiness in my arms grew heavier. It physically hurt to not have children of my own.
When I was around 20 years old, I was sitting in church one Sunday, when my spiritual eyes noticed a little boy crawling around the bench beside me. He looked to be about 2 years old (maybe slightly younger) with bright blonde hair and big dark blue eyes. I noticed the boy crawling away from me and my mind called out "Little Man, You get back here!" The boy stopped, looked back at me, shook his head 'no' and continued to crawl away. I tried to go after him but something held me back. I looked down and saw a baby girl sleeping in my arms. She looked to be about 3 months old. She was wearing a long beautiful white dress. She had the cutest chubby cheeks and looked liked like an angel. I noticed the name 'Rain' written above her in pink cursive. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She also felt so good in my arms. Holding 'Rain' was heaven for my empty arms. After a few moments I looked up to see where Little Man was but he had disappeared. I then looked down for 'Rain' but she was gone as well.
The experience lasted for maybe 30 seconds but I will NEVER forget what I saw and how I felt. I had many questions and had many feelings going through my mind and heart. I knew that experience didn't physically happen but my spirit and heart could not deny that it was real. The next questions revolved around Little Man and Rain. Who were they? Why was I allowed to meet them? Are they my future children? Most importantly, would I ever see them again? I sure hoped so. I loved Little Man and Rain above everything. Even though I only knew them for a few seconds, my spirit and heart wanted those two children more then anything.
Luckily I saw them many more times over the years and grew to love them even more with each visit. I saw them at different ages (mostly though Little Man came to me as a 7 year old and Rain as a 5 year old). I got to know their personalities and their quirks. Little Man was headstrong, loyal, always told the truth, mischievous, curious, fun and an awesome big brother to Rain. Although his stubbornness, curiosity and mischievousness always got him into trouble, I couldn't wait for him to be my son. Rain was 1,000% a Daddy's girl. I was blessed to have Rain as my daughter though.
I will continue their stories in other posts, but just know that I was the happiest person alive when I discovered I was pregnant with Little Man and Rain. When I lost them, my world shattered into millions of pieces.
When I was around 20 years old, I was sitting in church one Sunday, when my spiritual eyes noticed a little boy crawling around the bench beside me. He looked to be about 2 years old (maybe slightly younger) with bright blonde hair and big dark blue eyes. I noticed the boy crawling away from me and my mind called out "Little Man, You get back here!" The boy stopped, looked back at me, shook his head 'no' and continued to crawl away. I tried to go after him but something held me back. I looked down and saw a baby girl sleeping in my arms. She looked to be about 3 months old. She was wearing a long beautiful white dress. She had the cutest chubby cheeks and looked liked like an angel. I noticed the name 'Rain' written above her in pink cursive. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She also felt so good in my arms. Holding 'Rain' was heaven for my empty arms. After a few moments I looked up to see where Little Man was but he had disappeared. I then looked down for 'Rain' but she was gone as well.
The experience lasted for maybe 30 seconds but I will NEVER forget what I saw and how I felt. I had many questions and had many feelings going through my mind and heart. I knew that experience didn't physically happen but my spirit and heart could not deny that it was real. The next questions revolved around Little Man and Rain. Who were they? Why was I allowed to meet them? Are they my future children? Most importantly, would I ever see them again? I sure hoped so. I loved Little Man and Rain above everything. Even though I only knew them for a few seconds, my spirit and heart wanted those two children more then anything.
Luckily I saw them many more times over the years and grew to love them even more with each visit. I saw them at different ages (mostly though Little Man came to me as a 7 year old and Rain as a 5 year old). I got to know their personalities and their quirks. Little Man was headstrong, loyal, always told the truth, mischievous, curious, fun and an awesome big brother to Rain. Although his stubbornness, curiosity and mischievousness always got him into trouble, I couldn't wait for him to be my son. Rain was 1,000% a Daddy's girl. I was blessed to have Rain as my daughter though.
I will continue their stories in other posts, but just know that I was the happiest person alive when I discovered I was pregnant with Little Man and Rain. When I lost them, my world shattered into millions of pieces.
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