Losing Little Man

On Tuesday January 29, 2014, at 6:30 PM, my nightmare began!!!!  I was 22weeks5days that day and, Bear, Star and I spent all day out looking for baby items we would need for Little Man.  We went to many stores looking at car seats, cribs, strollers, dressers, clothes etc.  We were all enjoying the couch and recliner section of the last store of the day.

At 6:30PM,  I felt Little Man give me a tiny kick.  I was very aware of every movement from him for the rest of the night because I wanted Star to finally be able to feel Little Man kick.  I wished she had been around at 2AM that morning because Little Man acted like he was having a grand party.  He was kicking like crazy and doing flips for a good 10 minutes.  He had only done that once before, and that had been about 2 weeks before, on the morning we found out IT'S A BOY.

I didn't feel Little Man kick for the rest of the evening.  I grew a bit concerned when I didn't feel him as I got ready for bed.  He usually gave a few small kicks as I settled for the night.  When I didn't feel him kick by 9AM, the following morning, I KNEW something was wrong!!!!  I spent HOURS scouring the internet and trying everything I could find to wake Micah up.  I called my mid-wife many times in a panic.  She gave me more things to try but nothing worked.  She finally said he must be hiding for now.  I called my Mom in tears.  She told me that everything was ok, to stop worrying, to drop the subject because she didn't want to talk about it anymore.  I tried telling everyone that something was wrong but the only person who believed me was Star.

With every moment that past my motherly instincts were SCREAMING "Something is wrong with Little Man. DO SOMETHING! Something is wrong with Little Man, PLEASE DO SOMETHING"  It never stopped but without the support of women, who I thought were more of an expert then I was (this was my first pregnancy after all), I had no idea what to do.

I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus on a single thing besides the non-stop screaming my motherly instincts were giving off.  On the outside, I looked fine and pretended everything was ok.  I acted like I excepted the advice of all the 'experts'. On the inside though, I was a complete mess!!!  No matter what I did, I couldn't ignore my instincts, but I felt deep guilt that I wasn't doing anything about it. 

Finally after 6 days, I couldn't ignore it any longer!!!  Even though most everyone was STILL telling me nothin was wrong, I demanded to see my midwife.  I went in for a 1:00 PM appointment on Monday, February 3rd 2014.  Bear was supposed to have gone to work that day but his car was snowed in and wasn't going anywhere.  We drove the 1 hour to my midwife's office.  Along the way I SWARE I felt Little Man finally give me a kick.  I was SO RELEIVED and I started crying tears of joy.  We decided to go to the appointment anyways just to make sure he was ok.

We get to the office and are shown into a room with a daybed.  I am told to lay on the daybed and my midwife puts jelly on my belly so she could use a Doppler.  She spends several minutes looking for a heart beat.  She finally finds one but grabs my wrist to see if it is mine or Little Man's.  It's mine!!!  I begin to panic all over again. 

She then pulls out an old ultrasound machine and we immediately find Little Man on the screen.  He is lying on his back perfectly still.  I grew concerned.  My midwife said "Of course he would be sleeping for this".  She tried several more moments to get him to move.  Little Man continued to remain still.

My midwife takes the ultrasound machine away, cleans me up and tells us to go to a place that has a better ultrasound machine.  It is the same place we went to find out Little Man was a boy and not a girl.  We get to the 4-D ultrasound salon and are led into a room with large tv monitors.  The technician starts the ultrasound.  We see Little Man on the screen just long enough to still see him on his back.  The technician immediately turned off the monitors and said "I'm sorry but this pregnancy is a loss."

My world came to a complete stop with those words!!! Although I had known deep inside for 6 days that Little Man was gone, I couldn't believe it was true.  I became a lost soul and had know idea where I was, what I was doing and where I was going.  All I knew was that My Little Man was gone and he was never coming back.  Bear had to guide me out of the office and back to the car.  I had to make the phone calls to all the family while Bear drove us back to my midwifes' office to figure out what to do next.  That was difficult!!!  How do you tell family that their very first grandchild and nephew was gone.  How do you tell your in-laws, who had 19 pregnancy losses themselves, that you now have lost a child too?  How do you tell your mother, that no everything was not ok and that Little Man was dead?  How do you tell your twin sister, who was my biggest support and loved Little Man as much as I did, that he was gone?  There just is no way to prepare to deliver that kind of news!!!