It has been a few weeks since I have posted last. Those missing weeks have been filled with birthdays!!!! Bear's 35th birthday was on January 30th. Little Man's 2nd Birthday was on February 6th and Star and I's 36th birthday was on February 8th. We had great days celebrating those special events with a visit from my in-laws (whom I LOVE and enjoy every moment I spend with them) and 2 trips to Saint Louis 2 hours away and 2 cakes. With all of the celebrating and fun, I still found myself thinking about how different those events were 2 years ago.
For Bear's birthday 2 years ago (January 30, 2014), I was still in a complete inward panic because I hadn't felt Little Man move in 2 days. I couldn't voice my concerns though, because everyone told me Little Man was fine, he was just being lazy. His parents were again down for a visit. I had been thinking about my Mother-In-Law all day and how much that day must have meant to her. You see, my In-laws endured more then 19 pregnancy losses (18+ early miscarriages and 1 stillborn daughter) in 8 years before becoming pregnant with my husband and his 4 younger siblings. At the time I couldn't imagine losing any children, let alone 20 of them. I couldn't imagine the devastation each loss caused them. I couldn't imagine what courage it took them to keep trying. I couldn't imagine what joy they had that first moment when they heard my husband cry for the first time or finally had him in their arms. Little did I know just 4 days later, I would tragically find out about my own loss.
On February 6th, I reflected on that day in 2014. I remembered the physical and emotional pain of the 12 hours of labor, knowing I would never hear Little Man cry. I remembered 9:56AM when Little Man was born. I remembered 10:03 when Little Man was placed in my arms for the very first time. I remembered how for the next 5 hours we held, talked to, dressed and took pictures of him. I remembered at 3:00 Bear and I gave Little Man our last hug and kiss goodbye. I remembered at 3:30 Little Man was pushed into a locked room and I left the hospital with empty arms. Too many bittersweet memories of that day!!!!
For Star and I's birthday, I once again spent time thinking about what happened 2 years before. I remember Star spending a few days with Bear and I. It had just been 2 days since we said goodbye to Little Man and I was still in a daze and acted like everything was ok. Bear's parents and one of his sisters came again for a visit and I acted fine, like I had been since I stopped feeling Little Man move, since the day we found out he had passed and since the day he was born still. They stayed for a few hours and talked and had dinner and apple pie (I much prefer apple pie to cake).
When they left, all of the sudden my wall came crashing down and I finally had my first meltdown. I sobbed heartbreaking cry's. I sat on the floor rocking back and forth begging someone to either bring Little Man back or let me go where he was at. I just wanted my son!!!! HUGE, HOT tears poured from my eyes for a good hour. Bear and Star held me and cried with me for that hour. It was a very heartbreaking release but once I had it, I did feel much better (well as good as you can feel after you lost a child 2 days before).
After I calmed down, Bear, Star and I ran a quick errand just to get me out of the house for a few minutes. I remembered having a mini meltdown while we were in the store. While Bear and Star were looking at something and trying to decide what to get, I remembered clinging to the cart handle and begging them to hurry. I couldn't decide if I was going to cry or start yelling because there were too many people, too many babies, too many children and it was all too overwhelming. Luckily just before I reached my meltdown limit, we were on our way to check-out and home. I don't remember much more about that day (we probably watched a movie or a tv show at home) , but do remember it was the day that I started to heal.
Tuesday, February 16, 2016
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Last Kicks
2 years ago today marks the 2nd Anniversary that I felt Little Man kick for the last time. It might seem like such an unusual thing to remember but memories are all I have of him. I really don't have a past with him. I don't have a present with him and, in this life, I don't have a future with him. These memories are all I have and get to have with him.
I was 22weeks5days along. Star, Bear and I had been out baby window shopping ALL DAY!!! We looked at car seats, cribs, clothing, baby furniture and many other things. It was 6:30PM and we were enjoying the furniture section of the last store and talking about all we had seen that day. I felt Little Man give a tiny kick and got so excited and told Star and Bear about it. I had been feeling Little Man kick for several weeks now, but Star hadn't had the opportunity to feel him yet. I was hoping Little Mas would kick a little bit harder so Star would finally be able to feel him. I wanted SO MUCH for him to have another kicking frenzy, like he had earlier that morning and the morning of his anatomy scan. It was not to be though. I would never feel Little Man kicks ever again. Here is a poem I wrote a few weeks after Little Man was born still.
You Fluttered Away
Where did you go and take your butterfly flutters?
Kicks, jabs and movement that are felt by mothers.
It's your way of saying hello and you're alright.
I treasured the feeling of them both day and night.
One evening it came to a sorrowful end.
The flutters ceased and I still can not comprehend.
I was filled with such worry when you were so still
With the words "This pregnancy is a loss" I lost all my will.
You fluttered away without reason or goodbye.
Now all I want to do is be alone and cry.
My heart is broken, I just want to be with you.
I wake up each morning and pray this is not true.
I still have a hole in my heart where you still are.
Others say you are close by but you feel so far.
Now I sing your lullabies to the stars and the moon
Sweet songs full of "I love you" and "I'll hold you soon".
I was 22weeks5days along. Star, Bear and I had been out baby window shopping ALL DAY!!! We looked at car seats, cribs, clothing, baby furniture and many other things. It was 6:30PM and we were enjoying the furniture section of the last store and talking about all we had seen that day. I felt Little Man give a tiny kick and got so excited and told Star and Bear about it. I had been feeling Little Man kick for several weeks now, but Star hadn't had the opportunity to feel him yet. I was hoping Little Mas would kick a little bit harder so Star would finally be able to feel him. I wanted SO MUCH for him to have another kicking frenzy, like he had earlier that morning and the morning of his anatomy scan. It was not to be though. I would never feel Little Man kicks ever again. Here is a poem I wrote a few weeks after Little Man was born still.
You Fluttered Away
Where did you go and take your butterfly flutters?
Kicks, jabs and movement that are felt by mothers.
It's your way of saying hello and you're alright.
I treasured the feeling of them both day and night.
One evening it came to a sorrowful end.
The flutters ceased and I still can not comprehend.
I was filled with such worry when you were so still
With the words "This pregnancy is a loss" I lost all my will.
You fluttered away without reason or goodbye.
Now all I want to do is be alone and cry.
My heart is broken, I just want to be with you.
I wake up each morning and pray this is not true.
I still have a hole in my heart where you still are.
Others say you are close by but you feel so far.
Now I sing your lullabies to the stars and the moon
Sweet songs full of "I love you" and "I'll hold you soon".
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Insurance has approved the surgery, but...
I heard back from my fertility doctor today (well his nurse). She said that the insurance company has approved the surgery. I just have to pay almost $400 to cover the deductible in order to schedule the surgery. She said the almost $400 does not include what we will have to pay for the hospital. It just covers this doctor.
I don't know what is going to happen. I told Bear about it but he hasn't responded. He has a migraine today. I guess I will have to talk to him later about what he wants to do.
Maybe it would just be cheaper to adopt?????
I don't know what is going to happen. I told Bear about it but he hasn't responded. He has a migraine today. I guess I will have to talk to him later about what he wants to do.
Maybe it would just be cheaper to adopt?????
Rain's 1st Birthday
Yesterday was Rain's 'should-have-been 1st Birthday' (her due date was 1 year ago yesterday). I picked strawberry for her birthday cake with white frosting. Bear wanted Beef Stroganoff for dinner. Star made the cake while I went to get groceries for the dinner. The cake was stubborn and came out in pieces. When I got back with groceries, Star had to go out and get another cake mix. That cake came out perfect and so did dinner.
I thought that Rain needed something else besides just a cake and dinner, so I tried making her a card. Nothing felt right though so I quite trying. I also wanted to get her a book but Bear said that we already had PLENTY of books for us to read to the kids. He is right, we do have A LOT of books. I just felt that as a Mom, I should by our kids presents and birthday cards. I should celebrate their special days. I should go all out to show how much I love them, like all parents do!!!!
But what do you get for an Angel???? No matter what you get for them, they can't use it. You can't buy them toys because they will never be able to play with them. You can't buy books because they will never read them. You can't buy clothes because they will never wear them. You can't give them food because they can't eat.
The holidays and their special days really remind you how empty you are and what you lost with their leaving!!!! Birthday's should be moments of celebration, laughter, family, presents, music, food, fun. When you are celebrating one for an Angel though, there really is nothing. There are no visits or phone calls from family members, no opening of presents, no opening of birthday cards, no balloons, no blowing out the candles. NO NOTHING!!!! No matter how special you try to make it, no matter how special you want it to be, the birthday Angel is not there with you and it just feels empty!!!!
I thought that Rain needed something else besides just a cake and dinner, so I tried making her a card. Nothing felt right though so I quite trying. I also wanted to get her a book but Bear said that we already had PLENTY of books for us to read to the kids. He is right, we do have A LOT of books. I just felt that as a Mom, I should by our kids presents and birthday cards. I should celebrate their special days. I should go all out to show how much I love them, like all parents do!!!!
But what do you get for an Angel???? No matter what you get for them, they can't use it. You can't buy them toys because they will never be able to play with them. You can't buy books because they will never read them. You can't buy clothes because they will never wear them. You can't give them food because they can't eat.
The holidays and their special days really remind you how empty you are and what you lost with their leaving!!!! Birthday's should be moments of celebration, laughter, family, presents, music, food, fun. When you are celebrating one for an Angel though, there really is nothing. There are no visits or phone calls from family members, no opening of presents, no opening of birthday cards, no balloons, no blowing out the candles. NO NOTHING!!!! No matter how special you try to make it, no matter how special you want it to be, the birthday Angel is not there with you and it just feels empty!!!!
HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY RAIN!!!!!
Dearest Daughter!!!! HAPPY (late) 1ST BIRTHDAY RAIN!!!! Yesterday should have been your 1st Birthday!!!! I still wished you were here to celebrate it with us!!!! We all love and miss you so much!!!! I remember seeing you for the first time in a vision I had many years ago. It was in the same vision I met Micah. You were asleep in my arms and looked so peaceful. I was in awe of how beautiful you were. I fell instantly in love with you and I longed for the day when I could hold you in my arms.
I remember you in another vision I had the day before I lost you. I remember you being so beautiful again. You were so tiny. I remember the long white lace and eyelet dress you were wearing. I remember the bright, warm light that surrounded you. I remember thinking I didn't think that I could give birth to a literal angel. I was once again in awe of how beautiful and special you were. I didn't want to ever let you go.
Tragically, you left us just 2 days later. I was devastated!!!! We just lost Little Man 31/2 months before. I couldn't believe, didn't WANT to believe that we had lost you too. For 10 glorious days YOU were our light, hope, peace, promise and beauty that pulled us away from the darkness and storms we had been in for what felt like an eternity. We needed and wanted you above everything!!! But you left just as softly and quickly as you came. You were a part of me just long enough to say hello and then goodbye.
I want you to know that even though you were here for just a moment, I will love, want, miss and remember you for every moment for the rest of my life!!!! I long for the day when I can be your mother again on the other side of the veil. I know you will always be our daughter and we will be together again and we will be able to raise you in the next life. Daddy and I vow that we will live worthy to have you and your siblings back again.
I hope you are proud with who we have become!!! I am trying to be a mother you would be proud of. I try to be happy. I try to move on and overcome losing you 4. I try to not let my aching heart and empty arms to define who I am. I try to not think about you 4 every second of my life. I try to be a strong person and show the world this won't shatter me. I do my best to lift others and bring them comfort and support when they are dealing with a loss. I do my best to remain faithful and trusting the Heavenly Father has a reason and a plan. I do my best to cling to Christ and know that He will not fail me, that He KNOWS what I feel and is ALWAYS by my side.
Sometimes though, it is difficult. Sometimes my heart hurts to much and my arms are too empty. I just want you 4 back!!!! I know you are right beside us. I feel you around me. I feel your touch. I see glimpses of you through my spiritual eyes. I hear your voices with my spiritual ears. I KNOW you have never left us. I just ache to hold you again. And once again I promise to live worthy to be your Mommy for Eternity!!!!!
I love you to heaven and back!!!! Love, Mommy!!!!!
I remember you in another vision I had the day before I lost you. I remember you being so beautiful again. You were so tiny. I remember the long white lace and eyelet dress you were wearing. I remember the bright, warm light that surrounded you. I remember thinking I didn't think that I could give birth to a literal angel. I was once again in awe of how beautiful and special you were. I didn't want to ever let you go.
Tragically, you left us just 2 days later. I was devastated!!!! We just lost Little Man 31/2 months before. I couldn't believe, didn't WANT to believe that we had lost you too. For 10 glorious days YOU were our light, hope, peace, promise and beauty that pulled us away from the darkness and storms we had been in for what felt like an eternity. We needed and wanted you above everything!!! But you left just as softly and quickly as you came. You were a part of me just long enough to say hello and then goodbye.
I want you to know that even though you were here for just a moment, I will love, want, miss and remember you for every moment for the rest of my life!!!! I long for the day when I can be your mother again on the other side of the veil. I know you will always be our daughter and we will be together again and we will be able to raise you in the next life. Daddy and I vow that we will live worthy to have you and your siblings back again.
I hope you are proud with who we have become!!! I am trying to be a mother you would be proud of. I try to be happy. I try to move on and overcome losing you 4. I try to not let my aching heart and empty arms to define who I am. I try to not think about you 4 every second of my life. I try to be a strong person and show the world this won't shatter me. I do my best to lift others and bring them comfort and support when they are dealing with a loss. I do my best to remain faithful and trusting the Heavenly Father has a reason and a plan. I do my best to cling to Christ and know that He will not fail me, that He KNOWS what I feel and is ALWAYS by my side.
Sometimes though, it is difficult. Sometimes my heart hurts to much and my arms are too empty. I just want you 4 back!!!! I know you are right beside us. I feel you around me. I feel your touch. I see glimpses of you through my spiritual eyes. I hear your voices with my spiritual ears. I KNOW you have never left us. I just ache to hold you again. And once again I promise to live worthy to be your Mommy for Eternity!!!!!
I love you to heaven and back!!!! Love, Mommy!!!!!
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
MRI
I was finally able to do the MRI to see what uterin deformity I have. The doctor thinks I either have a septate uterus or a bicornuate uterus. A septate uterus means that there is a thick wall of bloodless tissue dividing an otherwise normal uterus. This causes pregnancy loss if the baby attaches to the wall, the baby won't receive the blood and nutrients it needs to survive and grow. It causes late loss because the baby has 1/2 the room to grow as it normally would have. This defect can be fixed with a simple non-invasive surgery. Once the woman has the surgery, she is able conceive and carry a baby without any more problems.
A bicornuate, is when the uterus it's self is divided into 2 parts. It is in the shape of a heart and each horn/corn is a separate uterus. This causes the same reasons for losses as the septate uterus. Unfortunately the way to fix this defect is much harder, more invasive and less of a success rate as the septate uterus.
I hope I NEVER have to do another MRI again!!!! It was awful!!! Bear said that an MRI is like a can of soup: the machine is the can and you are the soup. When it was time for me to take the MRI, I asked how long it would take. The nurse said about 30 minutes. I thought OK I can do this. I get on the 'bed' and lay flat on my back. and the bed lifts up to go into the MRI machine. I usually a not claustrophobic but I sure had a bit of claustrophobia for my MRI. The hole is so little that I had to fit through. While laying on my back I had cross my arms over my chest. I could touch the roof of the inside of the machine just by raising my pointer finger. That's how close the roof was to my crossed arms over my chest.
My back started hurting within a few minutes and I couldn't shift much to relieve the pain. My back continued to hurt worse and worse with each minute. I tried my best to get comfortable but nothing worked.
After what seems like hours, the nurse stops the machine and rolls me out. I was SOOO HAPPY to be out of there!!!! I start to sit up and she tells me I can't get up yet, she was just there to give me a shot for the contrast portion of the MRI. I was crushed.!!! I couldn't believe I had to spend more time in the machine. The nurse gives me the shot and reels me back in. I spend another 10-15 minutes in the MRI and I about lose it. I finally am reeled out for good this time and learn that the MRI took well over 1 hour. I was so shocked about how long it was and not surprised why my back was in agony. My back was so stiff and sore, I had big problems walking and standing up right for about 15 minutes.
Like I said in the beginning, I hope I NEVER have to have another MRI again!!!!
A bicornuate, is when the uterus it's self is divided into 2 parts. It is in the shape of a heart and each horn/corn is a separate uterus. This causes the same reasons for losses as the septate uterus. Unfortunately the way to fix this defect is much harder, more invasive and less of a success rate as the septate uterus.
I hope I NEVER have to do another MRI again!!!! It was awful!!! Bear said that an MRI is like a can of soup: the machine is the can and you are the soup. When it was time for me to take the MRI, I asked how long it would take. The nurse said about 30 minutes. I thought OK I can do this. I get on the 'bed' and lay flat on my back. and the bed lifts up to go into the MRI machine. I usually a not claustrophobic but I sure had a bit of claustrophobia for my MRI. The hole is so little that I had to fit through. While laying on my back I had cross my arms over my chest. I could touch the roof of the inside of the machine just by raising my pointer finger. That's how close the roof was to my crossed arms over my chest.
My back started hurting within a few minutes and I couldn't shift much to relieve the pain. My back continued to hurt worse and worse with each minute. I tried my best to get comfortable but nothing worked.
After what seems like hours, the nurse stops the machine and rolls me out. I was SOOO HAPPY to be out of there!!!! I start to sit up and she tells me I can't get up yet, she was just there to give me a shot for the contrast portion of the MRI. I was crushed.!!! I couldn't believe I had to spend more time in the machine. The nurse gives me the shot and reels me back in. I spend another 10-15 minutes in the MRI and I about lose it. I finally am reeled out for good this time and learn that the MRI took well over 1 hour. I was so shocked about how long it was and not surprised why my back was in agony. My back was so stiff and sore, I had big problems walking and standing up right for about 15 minutes.
Like I said in the beginning, I hope I NEVER have to have another MRI again!!!!
I Finally Have Answers
After I lost Monkey and Cub, my doctor did an ultrasound and discovered that I had a uterine deformity. He wasn't for sure which one so he wanted me to get an MRI. He said it was either a septate uterus or a bicornuate uterus. A septate uterus is a normal uterus but has a wall of thick, bloodless tissue running down the middle of it, dividing it into 2 parts. The reason a septate uterus causes pregnancy loss is because if the baby attaches to the wall, the baby does not get the blood supply and nutriments needed to survive and grow. If the baby does not attach to the wall but to the uterus, once the baby gets to be a certain size, the baby has no room to grow since the uterus is only half it's normal size. This causes early pre-term labor and other complications. This deformity can easily be fixed with a simple, non-invasive surgery. Once a woman has the surgery, she can get pregnant and stay pregnant without any more problems.
A bicornuate uterus, is one that the uterus, it's self is divided into two parts. It is shaped like a heart and each of the two horns/corns is a separate uterus. This causes loss for the same reasons the septate uterus does. Unfortunately, although this can be fixed with surgery, it is more invasive and less of a success rate as the septate surgery.
I had the MRI on Monday and heard back from the doctor today. The MRI confirmed that I have a SEPTATE UTERUS!!! YAY!!!! I CAN HAVE SURGERY SOON AND GET BACK TO TTC!!! My doctor is waiting to hear back from my insurance company so we can schedule a date and time for the surgery.
A bicornuate uterus, is one that the uterus, it's self is divided into two parts. It is shaped like a heart and each of the two horns/corns is a separate uterus. This causes loss for the same reasons the septate uterus does. Unfortunately, although this can be fixed with surgery, it is more invasive and less of a success rate as the septate surgery.
I had the MRI on Monday and heard back from the doctor today. The MRI confirmed that I have a SEPTATE UTERUS!!! YAY!!!! I CAN HAVE SURGERY SOON AND GET BACK TO TTC!!! My doctor is waiting to hear back from my insurance company so we can schedule a date and time for the surgery.
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