It has been a few weeks since I have posted last. Those missing weeks have been filled with birthdays!!!! Bear's 35th birthday was on January 30th. Little Man's 2nd Birthday was on February 6th and Star and I's 36th birthday was on February 8th. We had great days celebrating those special events with a visit from my in-laws (whom I LOVE and enjoy every moment I spend with them) and 2 trips to Saint Louis 2 hours away and 2 cakes. With all of the celebrating and fun, I still found myself thinking about how different those events were 2 years ago.
For Bear's birthday 2 years ago (January 30, 2014), I was still in a complete inward panic because I hadn't felt Little Man move in 2 days. I couldn't voice my concerns though, because everyone told me Little Man was fine, he was just being lazy. His parents were again down for a visit. I had been thinking about my Mother-In-Law all day and how much that day must have meant to her. You see, my In-laws endured more then 19 pregnancy losses (18+ early miscarriages and 1 stillborn daughter) in 8 years before becoming pregnant with my husband and his 4 younger siblings. At the time I couldn't imagine losing any children, let alone 20 of them. I couldn't imagine the devastation each loss caused them. I couldn't imagine what courage it took them to keep trying. I couldn't imagine what joy they had that first moment when they heard my husband cry for the first time or finally had him in their arms. Little did I know just 4 days later, I would tragically find out about my own loss.
On February 6th, I reflected on that day in 2014. I remembered the physical and emotional pain of the 12 hours of labor, knowing I would never hear Little Man cry. I remembered 9:56AM when Little Man was born. I remembered 10:03 when Little Man was placed in my arms for the very first time. I remembered how for the next 5 hours we held, talked to, dressed and took pictures of him. I remembered at 3:00 Bear and I gave Little Man our last hug and kiss goodbye. I remembered at 3:30 Little Man was pushed into a locked room and I left the hospital with empty arms. Too many bittersweet memories of that day!!!!
For Star and I's birthday, I once again spent time thinking about what happened 2 years before. I remember Star spending a few days with Bear and I. It had just been 2 days since we said goodbye to Little Man and I was still in a daze and acted like everything was ok. Bear's parents and one of his sisters came again for a visit and I acted fine, like I had been since I stopped feeling Little Man move, since the day we found out he had passed and since the day he was born still. They stayed for a few hours and talked and had dinner and apple pie (I much prefer apple pie to cake).
When they left, all of the sudden my wall came crashing down and I finally had my first meltdown. I sobbed heartbreaking cry's. I sat on the floor rocking back and forth begging someone to either bring Little Man back or let me go where he was at. I just wanted my son!!!! HUGE, HOT tears poured from my eyes for a good hour. Bear and Star held me and cried with me for that hour. It was a very heartbreaking release but once I had it, I did feel much better (well as good as you can feel after you lost a child 2 days before).
After I calmed down, Bear, Star and I ran a quick errand just to get me out of the house for a few minutes. I remembered having a mini meltdown while we were in the store. While Bear and Star were looking at something and trying to decide what to get, I remembered clinging to the cart handle and begging them to hurry. I couldn't decide if I was going to cry or start yelling because there were too many people, too many babies, too many children and it was all too overwhelming. Luckily just before I reached my meltdown limit, we were on our way to check-out and home. I don't remember much more about that day (we probably watched a movie or a tv show at home) , but do remember it was the day that I started to heal.
