Today i get to talk about how Loss has changed my spiritual beliefs. Some Loss families lose their faith when they lose a child. They may blame God for allowing such a tragedy to happen. They think God is punishing them when this happens.
I on the other hand, drew closer to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I believe that Heavenly Father gives me trials so I can grow and to become more like Him. I know Heavenly Father loves me and knows what is best for me eternally. I still don't fully know why losing all 4 of my children is what is best for me, but I trust Heavenly Father knows exactly why.
When the trials of this life are too much, I rely upon Jesus Christ for strength and comfort. There is not anything in life that I go through that Christ had not already endured. I am not alone in my hurt and sorrow. He is in front, beside and behind me every step I take. There is a scripture in The Book of Mormon (a book of scripture I know know to be true along with The Holy Bible) that talks about why Christ suffered and died for us. In Alma 7:11-12 it reads:
11) And He [meaning Christ] shall go forth suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith He will take upon Him the pains and sicknesses of His people.
12)And He will take upon Him death, that He may loose the band's of death; which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.
To me this shows that Christ willingly endured every pain, sickness and afflictions I would ever face so that He would know how to comfort me when I run to Him. Having a deep relationship with Christ has been vital to my healing. I've run to Him innumerable times since our losses and each time I've felt His love and comfort.
Another huge part of my faith that I believe very strongly is that families are together for time and Eternity. Family relationships do not end at death. Marriages that happen in sacred buildings called temples are bound to last throughout this life and beyond this time. Husbands and wives and children are going to be together. This comforts me because I know that I will be with my children again. I don't have them in this life, but I know I will see them, love them and raise them in the eternities.
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day14 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
Friday, October 14, 2016
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Capture Your Grief 2016- Day #13 DEAR WORLD!!!!
Capture Your Grief 2016- Day #13 DEAR WORLD!!!!
Todays Capture Your Grief is to talk about anything I want about the grief journey. After much thought and a big prompting I decided I wanted to talk about a group that always gets overlooked and forgotten about: Loss DADS. This group of men may appear strong, brave, and unaffected by their loss(es), but on the inside they are just as lost and broken as Loss Mothers are...they lost their child(ren) too.
Society has taught men from the time they are toddlers that they can't cry, show emotions and they must be strong. Add to that expectation and having to care for their grieving wives and you have a father who is not allowed to have an outlet for his own grief. He will hold onto his grief, anger and pain for months and even years until he can't hold onto it any longer.
Kendall has been a huge support to me on my journey. He has held me as I have cried. He has stayed up with me many nights when empty arms have kept me up. He has taken me on many mini sight seeing vacations to cheer me up and he enjoys just being around me. He works unbelievably hard to provide for us. He has had to deal with super high stress work environment.
With all of this going on and dealing with our losses, Kendall's health deteriorated rapidly. Within a month after losing Micah (in February 2014 at 24weeks) he had severe ulsers, seemingly never ending migraines, crazy sleeping patterns, mood swings and depression. He never talked about our kids and all of his energy was focused on work.
When we lost Alison (at 6weeks in May 2014), everything got worse. Kendall still kept his grief bottled up and he and I were both paying for it.
When we lost the twins (Heidi and Noah at 8weeks in August 2015), Kendall immediately connected with the stuffed animals we had for all of the kids (I talked about this in a previous challenge post). They became the outlet for his grief. He clung to those 4 stuffed animals for an entire year. We slept with them at night. They sat with us when we watched TV. We took them with us if we were away for the weekend. He cuddled with them if he was having a bad day and he would play around with them when he was happy.
2 months ago, he finally had his emotional breakdown where he let out his grief for his lost children. He sobbed for several hours crying out for our kids. I've never seen him weep so hard or for so long. He spent the next week really sad, depressed, clinging to the stuffed animals and really talking about the kids. He then put the stuffed animals on the the book shelf where they have stayed untouched ever since.
His breakdown happened 2y6m after losing Micah, 2y3m from losing Alison and 1 year almost to the day we lost the twins. Kendall held all of his grief in for 21/2 years before he could finally let go to ALL of his grief. He has been happier the last 2 months and I have noticed he has had very few headaches since his release.
Over the last 2 1/2 years, I have come across some helpful information on what it's like for Loss Fathers to greive. I've come to realize they grieve differently then women do BUT THEY DO GRIEVE!!! They show their emotions in different ways and at different times. Women and society may think that the Dad's don't care but I've come to learn they care and they hurt far beyond our understanding. Here are 2 of my favorite poems about being a Child Loss Dad!!!
Hello there Mr. Hallmark man,
I wrote to you in May
To ask that words of love be shared
With my mom on Mother’s Day.
Just as there is no card for Mom
To let her know I care,
There is no card for my dad, too,
And I have so much to share.
It’s very hard for my loving dad
To know that I’m okay.
To protect me was his job, he feels,
So he thinks he failed some way.
Although I had to leave this world,
While still considered young,
There is no way he ever failed—
There’s no more he could have done.
My dad he tends to question
Those things he cannot see.
I always send him little signs
To say, “Hey, Dad, it’s me!”
I hear him crying in the car,
The shower hides his tears.
He feels he has to be so strong
For those he holds so dear.
My dad he often gets so mad
At what became of me.
He wants so much to understand,
He says, “How could this be?”
I somehow need to let him know,
Though impossible it seems—
For him to live and laugh again
Will fulfill so many dreams.
The card I need to send right now
To a dad as great as mine,
Will thank him for the love he gave
Throughout my brief lifetime.
He’s still the one that I call Dad,
Our bond’s forever strong,
‘Cuz even though he can’t see me,
Our love lives on and on.
Please help me find a way
To tell my dad that when
It comes his time to leave the earth
I’ll be waiting there for him.
And also, Mr. Hallmark man,
Please help him to believe,
That nothing will ever change the fact
That my dad he’ll always be.
Here is another poem:
Father’s Grief
By Eileen Knight Hagemeister
By Eileen Knight Hagemeister
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief.
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
To be a man in grief.
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test.
And field calls and visitors
So that she can get some rest.
To stand up to the test.
And field calls and visitors
So that she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's alright
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, how are you?"
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, how are you?"
He hears her cry in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
And dries her tears and comforts her
But "stays strong" for her sake.
And thinks his heart will break.
And dries her tears and comforts her
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Capture Your Grief 2016- Day #12 LEMONS+LEMONADE!!!!
Another great topic to talk about today. Todays challenge is finding the positive amongst the sadness of Loss. This journey of Loss is not always dark, filled with sorrow and tears. There are many happy times on this journey as well (it just takes a lot of time and effort to get to those places). A lot of good comes from loss if the families can open their hearts.
There are many Pregnancy And Infant Loss charities that are around because someone lost a child and they wanted to help other families. Charities like Teenie Tears (which makes cloth diapers keepsakes for late miscarriage losses), Angel Gowns (which turn wedding dresses into burial gowns for lost babies), Holy Stitches (which makes complete layette sets for lost babies), and Molly Bears (which make teddy bears the same weight as the lost baby so families can hold the bears when their arms are empty)
There are many support groups such as BabyCenter Miscarriage Stillborn and Infant Loss (an online Loss forum group with thousands of members with many people joining every day), Stillbirthday (a Loss Support center in Kansas City) and CarlyMarieProjectHeal (a woman who encourages us to celebrate our children every day).
As for my personal life, I have had many opportunities to make 'lemonade'. Kendall and I have grown closer through our losses. We have already lost so much, we work hard to make sure we don't lose each other.
I have been a voice for Pregnancy and child loss. I love to talk about my kids and I find opportunities to share them with others. I also enjoy helping other families dealing with their loss. I hope my voice will give courage to other families to find their voice about Loss.
I have a deeper appreciation for the little things in life. I take the time to sit in the sunshine more, listen to the rain more. Spend time with Kendall and other family more.
I have discovered new hobbies that bring SEW MUCH pleasure into my life. Since my losses I have spent time quilting, embroidering, appliquing, knitting, sewing, crafting and tatting. I dab a little in each of these at a time but I have come to enjoy learning how to do them.
I've come to realize my own inner strength and character. I use to think that I was weak and wouldn't be able to do well with hard things. With everything that comes from losing children, I have found that I have a very deep endurance. In the beginning it takes EVERYTHING just to get out of bed. It takes EVERYTHING to take the next step. It takes EVERYTHING to get through each minute, hour, day, week, month and year. It takes strength to keep going on.
Those are just a few 'lemonades' I have noticed in my life. There are many i didn't write about (maybe I will add them later). It is getting late now (11:45PM) and I must go to bed. Goodnight everyone!!!
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day12 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
There are many Pregnancy And Infant Loss charities that are around because someone lost a child and they wanted to help other families. Charities like Teenie Tears (which makes cloth diapers keepsakes for late miscarriage losses), Angel Gowns (which turn wedding dresses into burial gowns for lost babies), Holy Stitches (which makes complete layette sets for lost babies), and Molly Bears (which make teddy bears the same weight as the lost baby so families can hold the bears when their arms are empty)
There are many support groups such as BabyCenter Miscarriage Stillborn and Infant Loss (an online Loss forum group with thousands of members with many people joining every day), Stillbirthday (a Loss Support center in Kansas City) and CarlyMarieProjectHeal (a woman who encourages us to celebrate our children every day).
As for my personal life, I have had many opportunities to make 'lemonade'. Kendall and I have grown closer through our losses. We have already lost so much, we work hard to make sure we don't lose each other.
I have been a voice for Pregnancy and child loss. I love to talk about my kids and I find opportunities to share them with others. I also enjoy helping other families dealing with their loss. I hope my voice will give courage to other families to find their voice about Loss.
I have a deeper appreciation for the little things in life. I take the time to sit in the sunshine more, listen to the rain more. Spend time with Kendall and other family more.
I have discovered new hobbies that bring SEW MUCH pleasure into my life. Since my losses I have spent time quilting, embroidering, appliquing, knitting, sewing, crafting and tatting. I dab a little in each of these at a time but I have come to enjoy learning how to do them.
I've come to realize my own inner strength and character. I use to think that I was weak and wouldn't be able to do well with hard things. With everything that comes from losing children, I have found that I have a very deep endurance. In the beginning it takes EVERYTHING just to get out of bed. It takes EVERYTHING to take the next step. It takes EVERYTHING to get through each minute, hour, day, week, month and year. It takes strength to keep going on.
Those are just a few 'lemonades' I have noticed in my life. There are many i didn't write about (maybe I will add them later). It is getting late now (11:45PM) and I must go to bed. Goodnight everyone!!!
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day12 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
Monday, October 10, 2016
Capture Your Grief 2016- Day #10 SYMBOLS & SIGNS!!!!
This is kind of a fun topic to write about. I get to tell you of some things that remind me of my kids. Also there are things that happen that make me think that my kids are remembering me. These things make me smile and show me that our kids have never really left us.
MICAH-
(DOGS). Kendall always wanted his first sons theme to be bears and I always dreamed of him being a pirate. Neither one of us got what we planned though because Micahs theme ended up being dogs. Like I mentioned in a previous challenge day post, one month before we lost Micah (at 24weeks), Kendall and I went to the local animal shelter and adopted a dog (a black Lab named Knight). We both wanted Micah to grow up with a pet and we wanted his first pet to be all ready and waiting for him when he arrived.
Also, 5 days before I last felt Micah kick, I went to Build-A-Bear and made him his first stuffed animal. I looked all over for a bear for him but nothing called out to me. All that I could picture Micah cuddleing with was a fuzzy white dog with brown patches. So I made him a dog.
Another reason for dogs was just after I lost Micah, an Aunt of mine and her best friend (whom I'm also very close too. Thank you Kay Johnson and Verna Neilson Shaw) sent me a Willow Tree statue of a boy angel hugging a black dog (Angel of Comfort). The sentiment was Offering an embrace of comfort and love. That meant so much to me.
(WILLOW TREES). When I was in the hospital having Micah, on the outside door of my hospital room and all over in the inside, there were pictures of willow trees. A nurse told me they were to represent that I had a loss and that staff and visitors were to treat us with gentleness. As I spent time looking at the pictures of the trees, I noticed they looked like how I felt and how I wanted to stay hidden behind their branches.
ALISON
(LAMB)- Just after I lost Alison, I went back to Build-A-Bear and searched for something I could make her. Once again, the only thing that felt right was a white lamb. I imagined Alison to be a girly girl who couldn't stand to be dirty. She would want to keep everything pure, bright, clean and white. Just as I picture lambs having a pure white coat of wool, I pictured Alison having a pure white soul.
(FORGET-ME-NOT FLOWER) Just after I lost Alison, I was walking around in my yard thinking about and missing her and I noticed several square feet of tiny wild flowers. I got on my hands and knees to look at them and realized they were Forget-Me-Nots. Tears came to my eyes as I studied those tiny flowers and what meaning they had. I had only known about Alison for 10 days before I lost her. She was in my life for just a moment but she had already meant EVERYTHING to me. Just like those tiny flowers, how they are even smaller then a drop of water, but oh how beautiful and important they are.
I spent well over an hour laying in that field of Forget-Me-Nots and the sunshine, thinking about my little girl. Those flowers were so healing to me that day.
(RAINBOWS) When I found out I was pregnant with Alison, I was filled with such joy. I thought Heavenly Father was sending us a child to keep this time. A baby born after a loss is called a Rainbow Baby. This baby was our beauty, light, joy, peace and His promise from the storms we had been living in for the past 3 months since we lost Micah.
Even though we lost her too, she still brought and brings beauty, light, joy, peace and His promise into our lives.
HEIDI
(BUTTERFLIES) Although I think of Alison too when I see butterflies, I think they match Heidi's imagined personality perfectly. I imagine Heidi always on the go, fluttering from one thing to another. I picture her having a bright, colorful and cheerful disposition, bringing smiles to all she comes in contact with her. I picture her being hard to keep on the ground. She always wants to be high in the sky or resting on beautiful flowers.
(THE SUN) With my imagined personality of Heidi, how can I think about her and not think about the sun too. Heidi is the warmth and the light of the sun. She radiates her warmth and light to ease our dark and cold journey of Loss. Her shining happiness reminds us that everything is ok and things will get better.
NOAH
(BEAR CUB) Although I can't picture Noah being a huge, wild, tough and mean bear, I can picture him being a young cub. One that loves to explore his surroundings but comes running to Mama Bear (me) for reassurance and comfort.
(THE STARS) Noah is the quiet and stillness of the night. His calm, almost silent company brings rest to a hurt and weary soul. The quiet light he gives is a constant. You may not always see it, but it is always there, watching from above. He gives direction and light to the one who is lost in the dark.
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day10 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
MICAH-
(DOGS). Kendall always wanted his first sons theme to be bears and I always dreamed of him being a pirate. Neither one of us got what we planned though because Micahs theme ended up being dogs. Like I mentioned in a previous challenge day post, one month before we lost Micah (at 24weeks), Kendall and I went to the local animal shelter and adopted a dog (a black Lab named Knight). We both wanted Micah to grow up with a pet and we wanted his first pet to be all ready and waiting for him when he arrived.
Also, 5 days before I last felt Micah kick, I went to Build-A-Bear and made him his first stuffed animal. I looked all over for a bear for him but nothing called out to me. All that I could picture Micah cuddleing with was a fuzzy white dog with brown patches. So I made him a dog.
Another reason for dogs was just after I lost Micah, an Aunt of mine and her best friend (whom I'm also very close too. Thank you Kay Johnson and Verna Neilson Shaw) sent me a Willow Tree statue of a boy angel hugging a black dog (Angel of Comfort). The sentiment was Offering an embrace of comfort and love. That meant so much to me.
(WILLOW TREES). When I was in the hospital having Micah, on the outside door of my hospital room and all over in the inside, there were pictures of willow trees. A nurse told me they were to represent that I had a loss and that staff and visitors were to treat us with gentleness. As I spent time looking at the pictures of the trees, I noticed they looked like how I felt and how I wanted to stay hidden behind their branches.
ALISON
(LAMB)- Just after I lost Alison, I went back to Build-A-Bear and searched for something I could make her. Once again, the only thing that felt right was a white lamb. I imagined Alison to be a girly girl who couldn't stand to be dirty. She would want to keep everything pure, bright, clean and white. Just as I picture lambs having a pure white coat of wool, I pictured Alison having a pure white soul.
(FORGET-ME-NOT FLOWER) Just after I lost Alison, I was walking around in my yard thinking about and missing her and I noticed several square feet of tiny wild flowers. I got on my hands and knees to look at them and realized they were Forget-Me-Nots. Tears came to my eyes as I studied those tiny flowers and what meaning they had. I had only known about Alison for 10 days before I lost her. She was in my life for just a moment but she had already meant EVERYTHING to me. Just like those tiny flowers, how they are even smaller then a drop of water, but oh how beautiful and important they are.
I spent well over an hour laying in that field of Forget-Me-Nots and the sunshine, thinking about my little girl. Those flowers were so healing to me that day.
(RAINBOWS) When I found out I was pregnant with Alison, I was filled with such joy. I thought Heavenly Father was sending us a child to keep this time. A baby born after a loss is called a Rainbow Baby. This baby was our beauty, light, joy, peace and His promise from the storms we had been living in for the past 3 months since we lost Micah.
Even though we lost her too, she still brought and brings beauty, light, joy, peace and His promise into our lives.
HEIDI
(BUTTERFLIES) Although I think of Alison too when I see butterflies, I think they match Heidi's imagined personality perfectly. I imagine Heidi always on the go, fluttering from one thing to another. I picture her having a bright, colorful and cheerful disposition, bringing smiles to all she comes in contact with her. I picture her being hard to keep on the ground. She always wants to be high in the sky or resting on beautiful flowers.
(THE SUN) With my imagined personality of Heidi, how can I think about her and not think about the sun too. Heidi is the warmth and the light of the sun. She radiates her warmth and light to ease our dark and cold journey of Loss. Her shining happiness reminds us that everything is ok and things will get better.
NOAH
(BEAR CUB) Although I can't picture Noah being a huge, wild, tough and mean bear, I can picture him being a young cub. One that loves to explore his surroundings but comes running to Mama Bear (me) for reassurance and comfort.
(THE STARS) Noah is the quiet and stillness of the night. His calm, almost silent company brings rest to a hurt and weary soul. The quiet light he gives is a constant. You may not always see it, but it is always there, watching from above. He gives direction and light to the one who is lost in the dark.
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day10 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Capture Your Grief 2016- Day #9 (SURRENDER + EMBRACE!!!!
Todays challenge is also another difficult subject to talk about and admit. It is about letting out and letting go of all the emotions tied in with grieving. I am the type of person who keeps her emotions all inside and bottled up until I can't hold them in any longer. I like to show the world I am ok, I am fine, nothing is wrong and that I am strong and can handle anything. Showing or admitting I had any kind of fear, doubt, sadness, grief or tears out in public is terrifying to me.
I remember the first time I broke down after I lost Micah. You would think I would have broken down after not feeling him move for a few days. NOPE! How about when I saw the ultrasound of Micah, laying so still on his back with no heartbeat? NO! How about when I called all the family and let them know what happened? NOT THEN EITHER! How about when Kendall and I got to the hospital for me to be induced? NOPE! During the 12 hours I suffered during a pain med free, induced labor COMPLETELY by myself? NOPE! During the 1 hour pushing? NOT! How about breaking down during the 5 hours we got to hold him, dress him, and take pictures of him? WRONG AGAIN? How about when Micah was pushed into a room and then the nurse locked the door and we continued down the hall and we left the hospital without him? I didn't break down then either
The first time I had a full on breakdown sob fest was 2 days after Micah was born still. It was my twin sister's, Robin Thornton and I's 34th birthday. Robin was spending some time with Kendall and I to help us out. My in-laws were over for a visit. Up until this point I had either acted like I was ok, I'm strong or I was in too much of a shock to have any emotions of any kind. I had shed quite a few tears throughout the week but it was never any kind of emotional release.
My in-laws had just walked out the door from their visit and I all of the sudden was overcome with overwhelming grief. I closed the door and collapsed to the floor. I began crying huge sobs. I rocked back and forth begging for Micah to come back. My entire face was red and wet within seconds. Kendall and Robin quickly walked over to me and held me as I was sobbing on the kitchen floor.
I sobbed for a good 30 minutes begging them to get Micah or let me go to where Micah was. All I could think about was being with Micah in any way I could. After the 30 minutes, I calmed down and I was able to get cleaned up.
Kendall and Robin thought it would a good idea for me to get out of the house for a few minutes to run a quick errand. I went with them although the entire time I was silently begging them to hurry up. It was too overwhelming for me and I felt another breakdown starting. Luckily, we finished the errand, was out of the store and home before it happened.
I did realize that I did feel better after that breakdown. I had quite a few other 'emotional releases' when I was alone the 15 hours Kendall was away at work. Having the releases eased the amount of grief I was holding on to. Letting go brought a healing that I couldn't have gotten any other way. The crying, sobbing, tears, the words coming from my wounded heart and soul all working together to heal what was broken.
Just after I lost Micah, I came across a song by Hilary Weeks (a religious singer) titled Just Let Me Cry. This song talks about how it is ok to cry and how healing crying is. Here are the lyrics:
I believe that everything happens for a reason
We're not just tossed by the wind or left in the hands of fate
But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected
And we're forced to face our deepest pain
We're not just tossed by the wind or left in the hands of fate
But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected
And we're forced to face our deepest pain
When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground
Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger
And there's nothing I can do but let it out
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground
Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger
And there's nothing I can do but let it out
Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry
When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break
But I know He knows exactly how I'm feeling
And I know in time He'll take the pain away
But for now
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break
But I know He knows exactly how I'm feeling
And I know in time He'll take the pain away
But for now
Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry
I have felt joy the kind that makes my heart want to sing
And so my tears are not a surrender
I know I will feel that way again
But for now
For this moment
And so my tears are not a surrender
I know I will feel that way again
But for now
For this moment
Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry
I believe that everything happens for a reason
With understanding that crying and having an emotional release wasn't a sign of weakness, it made it easier for me to have an emotional release much sooner with my other losses. I think that was a big reason why I was able to make peace with their passing sooner then with Micah.
For all of you, remember crying is not a weakness. It shows you are hurting and that's ok.
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Capture Your Grief 2016- Day #8 (BEAUTIFUL MYSTERIES!!!!
Since we don't get a present or future with our lost children, many lost families create realities where their children are alive. They imagine who their children would be. What are their personalities, hobbies, and what our lives would be like. Todays challenge is to create a reality where our children are alive.
MICAH- I picture him to be 7 years old with light blonde hair and dark blue eyes. He has a few missing front teeth so he has a slight lisp when he talks. He has a dark tan because he spends most of his free time playing outside.
He is a typical 2nd Grader boy who likes sports (basketball, baseball and soccer). He loves eating pizza (Hawaiian) and spaghetti. He doesn't like cauliflower or cooked carrots.
He is also a typical boy when it comes to chores. He has to be reminded several times to do it but they eventually get done. He does pretty well in school so far. He likes PE and science. He isn't much of a reader so his least favorite class is English. He wants to be a baseball player when he grows up. His favorite color is blue.
When it comes to Micah's personality, he is usually obedient and doesn't complain too much. He is a big help to his siblings and loves being a big brother. He is friendly and polite to others and is almost always in a happy mood.
ALISON- 5 year old Alison is a HUGE Daddy's Girl!!! Wherever Kendall is at, there you will find Alison (as long as she won't get dirty). She is always the happiest when she is with Kendall. She tends to whine and pout if her Daddy isn't near.
She is also a HUGE girly girl. She HATES getting dirty. She whines if her hands get dirty and it is the end of her world if her clothes get dirty.
She prefers to be inside instead of out. She loves putting on fake jewelry and play dress up. She likes helping me with chores around the house if Kendall is not around. Her bedroom is spotless and everything is put away. She wants to be a nurse when she grows up and her favorite color is yellow.
HEIDI- Heidi is 3 years old and is our free spirit. She is fearless, curious, a dreamer and an explorer. She is always on the go and LOVES to climb everything (Kendall and I have a very hard time keeping her feet on the ground). She thinks the world is her playground and every moment is playtime. She has a HUGE imagination and seems to always be in fantasy land.
She is one with nature. She LOVES being outside amongst the trees, the grass, flowers, dirt and mud. She is fascinated with all the bugs, insects and other critters she finds out there. She also loves looking up at the sky at the clouds and stars.
Heidi has a bright and happy personality. She is always smiling and laughing. She also very talkative about her adventures. She is friendly and is tenderhearted with people and all critters. Her favorite color is pink and she wants to be a fairy when she grows up.
NOAH- Noah is also 3 years old and is the complete opposite of his twin sister. He is very quiet and always likes to be near me. I call him my quiet companion. He doesn't like loud noises or being around loud people. He likes quiet toys and enjoys looking through books (we are working on his reading).
He is a very tenderhearted boy and a deep thinker. He likes to watch people and if he sees or hears about someone being hurt, he worry's about them. His favorite color is green and he wants to be a police officer when he grows up.
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day8 #whathealsyou #carleymarieproject
MICAH- I picture him to be 7 years old with light blonde hair and dark blue eyes. He has a few missing front teeth so he has a slight lisp when he talks. He has a dark tan because he spends most of his free time playing outside.
He is a typical 2nd Grader boy who likes sports (basketball, baseball and soccer). He loves eating pizza (Hawaiian) and spaghetti. He doesn't like cauliflower or cooked carrots.
He is also a typical boy when it comes to chores. He has to be reminded several times to do it but they eventually get done. He does pretty well in school so far. He likes PE and science. He isn't much of a reader so his least favorite class is English. He wants to be a baseball player when he grows up. His favorite color is blue.
When it comes to Micah's personality, he is usually obedient and doesn't complain too much. He is a big help to his siblings and loves being a big brother. He is friendly and polite to others and is almost always in a happy mood.
ALISON- 5 year old Alison is a HUGE Daddy's Girl!!! Wherever Kendall is at, there you will find Alison (as long as she won't get dirty). She is always the happiest when she is with Kendall. She tends to whine and pout if her Daddy isn't near.
She is also a HUGE girly girl. She HATES getting dirty. She whines if her hands get dirty and it is the end of her world if her clothes get dirty.
She prefers to be inside instead of out. She loves putting on fake jewelry and play dress up. She likes helping me with chores around the house if Kendall is not around. Her bedroom is spotless and everything is put away. She wants to be a nurse when she grows up and her favorite color is yellow.
HEIDI- Heidi is 3 years old and is our free spirit. She is fearless, curious, a dreamer and an explorer. She is always on the go and LOVES to climb everything (Kendall and I have a very hard time keeping her feet on the ground). She thinks the world is her playground and every moment is playtime. She has a HUGE imagination and seems to always be in fantasy land.
She is one with nature. She LOVES being outside amongst the trees, the grass, flowers, dirt and mud. She is fascinated with all the bugs, insects and other critters she finds out there. She also loves looking up at the sky at the clouds and stars.
Heidi has a bright and happy personality. She is always smiling and laughing. She also very talkative about her adventures. She is friendly and is tenderhearted with people and all critters. Her favorite color is pink and she wants to be a fairy when she grows up.
NOAH- Noah is also 3 years old and is the complete opposite of his twin sister. He is very quiet and always likes to be near me. I call him my quiet companion. He doesn't like loud noises or being around loud people. He likes quiet toys and enjoys looking through books (we are working on his reading).
He is a very tenderhearted boy and a deep thinker. He likes to watch people and if he sees or hears about someone being hurt, he worry's about them. His favorite color is green and he wants to be a police officer when he grows up.
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day8 #whathealsyou #carleymarieproject
Friday, October 7, 2016
Capture Your Grief 2016- Day #7 MYTHS!!!
Today we are to talk about some myths society may have when it comes to losing a pregnancy or baby.
YOUR BABY WASN'T ALIVE- So many people believe that if a baby didn't live outside of the womb or even didn't live a certain number of days, then your baby wasn't really alive.
FALSE!!!! Most Loss families believe the moment that the mother finds out they are pregnant, that baby is alive and real. Also a baby's heart starts beating 18 days after conception. I don't know how someone can say a baby isn't really alive when they see and hear the heartbeat of their baby. I even got to see and hear Heidi's heartbeat at 5weeks2days.
YOU NEVER GOT TO BOND WITH THE BABY- People base how much you love something by how long you have it with you.
FALSE!!!! Like I said in the above myth, parents become parents with that first positive pregnancy test. You fall in love with that baby instantly. You start making plans for the future with that child in it. We may not have time, but we bond because of the love and the dreams we have for that child.
YOU CAN ALWAYS HAVE ANOTHER BABY- People assume that just because you became pregnant with that baby, then you can definitely become pregnant again.
FALSE!!!! MANY women can not become pregnant after loss. Some losses cause 2nd infertility problems. Many losses are from couples who spent MANY years trying to get pregnant with the baby they lost. Others can get pregnant very easily (like me) but they have something wrong that doesn't allow them to keep the baby (like me) (I have a uterine deformity that does not allow a baby to grow to viable age). Just because a woman became pregnant once, doesn't mean they can have another one, especially when a loss is involved.
YOU CAN REPLACE THAT CHILD BY HAVING ANOTHER ONE- A hole in someone's life, family and love can be fixed by putting someone else in there
FALSE!!!! The hole that the child left will ALWAYS be there. No one or no thing will EVER be able to fill it, especially not another child. Each child brings to the family their own individual personality and the love their family has for them. The personality and love of the the lost child will always be missing. Could you ever replace one of your living children????
THERE IS A TIME LIMIT FOR GRIEVING!!! SOOOOO many people give time limits for grief. People think that others should just get over it because it happened such and such time ago.
FALSE!!!! Just like the love for that lost child will continue to for the rest of that parents life, so will the grief, the missing, the unfulfilled dreams you had. Time DOES make things better but a parent will never stop thinking about or stop loving that child.
DON'T TALK ABOUT THE BABY- People assume that Loss families don't like to talk about their lost child(ren). They think they will bring up too painful memories. Also they assume that Loss families want to forget about their child.
FALSE!!!! Many (NOT all) families LOVE talking about their children (like me). Like all parents, we love and are proud of our children. We want to share them with others like other parents do. We want others to ask us about them. We want others to listen to us as we talk about them. We had dreams and plans of their future. We still do (they just can't be fulfilled by the child(ren)) WHY CAN'T WE BE ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT OUR CHILDREN???😞ðŸ˜
Those are just a few of the biggest myths about loss that I can think of. I'm sure I will think of more (and add them ) later.
Thank-you all again SOOO MUCH for supporting something that is so important!!!
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day7 #whathealsyou #carleymarieproject
YOUR BABY WASN'T ALIVE- So many people believe that if a baby didn't live outside of the womb or even didn't live a certain number of days, then your baby wasn't really alive.
FALSE!!!! Most Loss families believe the moment that the mother finds out they are pregnant, that baby is alive and real. Also a baby's heart starts beating 18 days after conception. I don't know how someone can say a baby isn't really alive when they see and hear the heartbeat of their baby. I even got to see and hear Heidi's heartbeat at 5weeks2days.
YOU NEVER GOT TO BOND WITH THE BABY- People base how much you love something by how long you have it with you.
FALSE!!!! Like I said in the above myth, parents become parents with that first positive pregnancy test. You fall in love with that baby instantly. You start making plans for the future with that child in it. We may not have time, but we bond because of the love and the dreams we have for that child.
YOU CAN ALWAYS HAVE ANOTHER BABY- People assume that just because you became pregnant with that baby, then you can definitely become pregnant again.
FALSE!!!! MANY women can not become pregnant after loss. Some losses cause 2nd infertility problems. Many losses are from couples who spent MANY years trying to get pregnant with the baby they lost. Others can get pregnant very easily (like me) but they have something wrong that doesn't allow them to keep the baby (like me) (I have a uterine deformity that does not allow a baby to grow to viable age). Just because a woman became pregnant once, doesn't mean they can have another one, especially when a loss is involved.
YOU CAN REPLACE THAT CHILD BY HAVING ANOTHER ONE- A hole in someone's life, family and love can be fixed by putting someone else in there
FALSE!!!! The hole that the child left will ALWAYS be there. No one or no thing will EVER be able to fill it, especially not another child. Each child brings to the family their own individual personality and the love their family has for them. The personality and love of the the lost child will always be missing. Could you ever replace one of your living children????
THERE IS A TIME LIMIT FOR GRIEVING!!! SOOOOO many people give time limits for grief. People think that others should just get over it because it happened such and such time ago.
FALSE!!!! Just like the love for that lost child will continue to for the rest of that parents life, so will the grief, the missing, the unfulfilled dreams you had. Time DOES make things better but a parent will never stop thinking about or stop loving that child.
DON'T TALK ABOUT THE BABY- People assume that Loss families don't like to talk about their lost child(ren). They think they will bring up too painful memories. Also they assume that Loss families want to forget about their child.
FALSE!!!! Many (NOT all) families LOVE talking about their children (like me). Like all parents, we love and are proud of our children. We want to share them with others like other parents do. We want others to ask us about them. We want others to listen to us as we talk about them. We had dreams and plans of their future. We still do (they just can't be fulfilled by the child(ren)) WHY CAN'T WE BE ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT OUR CHILDREN???😞ðŸ˜
Those are just a few of the biggest myths about loss that I can think of. I'm sure I will think of more (and add them ) later.
Thank-you all again SOOO MUCH for supporting something that is so important!!!
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day7 #whathealsyou #carleymarieproject
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Capture Your Grief 2016- Day #5 THE UNSPOKEN!!!
Capture Your Grief 2016 - Day #5 THE UNSPOKEN!!!! Today's challenge is a bit difficult to do because it is about letting the world know something in how you have grieved on your journey that society would judge against. It is something that society would deem unnatural and crazy but to Loss families it is a way to find comfort. The hope is that if we speak out about this, it will show other Loss families that what they do is normal and is ok. Hopefully too it will help society accept how we grieve so we don't have to hide anymore. By the way, if you know my husband, please don't tell him about this post. He would be very embarrassed.
5 days before I last felt Little Man kick, Star, one sister-in-law and I went to Build-A-Bear to make Little Man his first stuffed animal. We picked out a raggy dog that was white and had dark brown patches (even one looked like a heart). We named him Patches. I was so proud of Patches and showed him off to quite a few people. Bear and I enjoyed having Patches around and getting ready for Little Man to arrive in 4 more months.
As soon as Bear and I got home from the doctors office after finding out Little Man's heart had stopped, Bear and I picked Patches up and he remained in our arms for a full month. We clung to Patches in the hospital. I clung to him on the way home to help with my empty arms. We clung to him as we sat at home trying to figure out how to live without Little Man. We clung to him at night when it seemed like the night would never end. I left him in the car when I ran errands, wishing I could actually bring him with me.
After a month, Bear and I decided it was time to put Patches back on the shelf so he wouldn't get ruined (we wanted Patches to last for decades more).
Two and half months later, when we lost Rain, my sister and I went back to Build-A-Bear and got her a lamb. We named her Spring. Because we didn't want to ruin Spring either, we put her on the shelf next to Patches and she remained there.
The morning after I lost Monkey, I had a doctors appointment to check up on the miscarriage process. While I was there, Bear and Star went to Build-A-Dinosaur (same thing as Build -A-Bear just with dinosaurs). Bear picked out a blue pterodactyl for her named Happy Hawkey (Bear picked that name)
During the appointment it was discovered that I had been pregnant with twins and one of the babies was still inside me. Sadly though, that baby didn't have a heartbeat. When I told Bear the news, he and Star stooped off at Toys R Us and bought that baby (Cub) a little fuzzy stuffed bear named Carmel
When Bear and Star came home with Happy Hawkey and Carmel, Bear got Patches and Spring off the shelf and put them on the couch with us and Happy Hawkey and Carmel.
For the next year, those 4 stuffed animals were apart of Bear and I's lives. They sat with us while we watched TV. We slept with them at night (we each slept with 2 of them and traded off). We took them if we went away on the weekends (we snuck them under a blanket into our in-laws house all the time). When we were having a rough day, we would cuddle with them. We even took them to church with us all the time (we used them to keep our primary class (4&5 year olds) reverent.
Having these stuffed animals with us and not sitting on a shelf, REALLY helped on our journey (ESPECIALLY my husband). My husband had a hard time getting over the loss of our children, especially since he didn't have the connection with our kids that I did. These stuffed animals gave him something to hold, something tangible that gave him a connection. I can't put into words how much having these stuffed animals have meant to Bearl and I.
Something happed about 6 weeks ago that made us decide to put the stuffed animals back on the shelf. So as of now, they are sitting on a shelf in our room for the foreseeable future.
I know to most of you we sound crazy to have had such a connection to stuffed animals, but unless you have aching hearts and empty arms, you won't understand how comforting and healing it is to have something tangible to hold.
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day5 #whathealsyou #carleymarieproject.
5 days before I last felt Little Man kick, Star, one sister-in-law and I went to Build-A-Bear to make Little Man his first stuffed animal. We picked out a raggy dog that was white and had dark brown patches (even one looked like a heart). We named him Patches. I was so proud of Patches and showed him off to quite a few people. Bear and I enjoyed having Patches around and getting ready for Little Man to arrive in 4 more months.
As soon as Bear and I got home from the doctors office after finding out Little Man's heart had stopped, Bear and I picked Patches up and he remained in our arms for a full month. We clung to Patches in the hospital. I clung to him on the way home to help with my empty arms. We clung to him as we sat at home trying to figure out how to live without Little Man. We clung to him at night when it seemed like the night would never end. I left him in the car when I ran errands, wishing I could actually bring him with me.
After a month, Bear and I decided it was time to put Patches back on the shelf so he wouldn't get ruined (we wanted Patches to last for decades more).
Two and half months later, when we lost Rain, my sister and I went back to Build-A-Bear and got her a lamb. We named her Spring. Because we didn't want to ruin Spring either, we put her on the shelf next to Patches and she remained there.
The morning after I lost Monkey, I had a doctors appointment to check up on the miscarriage process. While I was there, Bear and Star went to Build-A-Dinosaur (same thing as Build -A-Bear just with dinosaurs). Bear picked out a blue pterodactyl for her named Happy Hawkey (Bear picked that name)
During the appointment it was discovered that I had been pregnant with twins and one of the babies was still inside me. Sadly though, that baby didn't have a heartbeat. When I told Bear the news, he and Star stooped off at Toys R Us and bought that baby (Cub) a little fuzzy stuffed bear named Carmel
When Bear and Star came home with Happy Hawkey and Carmel, Bear got Patches and Spring off the shelf and put them on the couch with us and Happy Hawkey and Carmel.
For the next year, those 4 stuffed animals were apart of Bear and I's lives. They sat with us while we watched TV. We slept with them at night (we each slept with 2 of them and traded off). We took them if we went away on the weekends (we snuck them under a blanket into our in-laws house all the time). When we were having a rough day, we would cuddle with them. We even took them to church with us all the time (we used them to keep our primary class (4&5 year olds) reverent.
Having these stuffed animals with us and not sitting on a shelf, REALLY helped on our journey (ESPECIALLY my husband). My husband had a hard time getting over the loss of our children, especially since he didn't have the connection with our kids that I did. These stuffed animals gave him something to hold, something tangible that gave him a connection. I can't put into words how much having these stuffed animals have meant to Bearl and I.
Something happed about 6 weeks ago that made us decide to put the stuffed animals back on the shelf. So as of now, they are sitting on a shelf in our room for the foreseeable future.
I know to most of you we sound crazy to have had such a connection to stuffed animals, but unless you have aching hearts and empty arms, you won't understand how comforting and healing it is to have something tangible to hold.
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day5 #whathealsyou #carleymarieproject.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Capture Your Grief 2106- Day #4 SUPPORT CIRCLES!!!
Today I am going to talk about the support I have received from the many people and organizations on my Loss journey. I talked quite a bit about this in yesterdays post, but I'll talk about it some more today because this topic is SUCH an important one to a Loss family.
When parents find out that they lost their baby (no matter how old or how far along), their world comes to a complete stop. Their lives are upside down. They are completely lost and have no idea what to do. All they can think about and focus on is 'our baby is gone'.
That is why a strong support system is so important!!! Loss families NEED others to help them right their world and get it moving again.
I remember when the nurse said the words "I'm sorry but this pregnancy is a loss", I went into immediate shock. I had no idea what to do I was so lost. I couldn't even find my way out of the room, out of the office and into the car. Bear had to guide me because I didn't even remember where we were at, let alone where I was supposed to go.
The first support circle I immediately turned to was family. The instant we got into the car (even before we left the parking lot) after hearing the life changing words, I was on the phone calling both sides of the family to tell them about this tragedy. The support I got from them was priceless.
My entire in-law family lived within 2 hours so they were a huge help. Many of them were able to be at the hospital with Bear and I, despite the white-out blizzard that they had to drive in. Others could not be there in person (because of the blizzard) but I knew they were with us in spirit. I could feel their thoughts, tears and prayers. My Mother In-Law and a Sister-In-Law made Little Man a BEAUTIFUL outfit and blanket to be cremated in (we ended up keeping the outfit and blanket). There have been countless other acts of service and love, my entire In-law family have given to Bear and I throughout our journey, including a BEAUTIFUL memorial service for Little Man and Rain
Although most of my side of the family lived 1,600 miles away, they too were a huge support on my journey. Star (who was 2 hours away) came over for visits as much as possible or I would go visit her. We were always on the phone calling or texting. Other family members would also make almost daily calls. They sent cards, letters, keepsakes and their thoughts and prayers.
Friends also were a big support to me. Most of my friends also lived 1,600 miles away but I would call them or message them on FB and they would help guide me back to the land of the living.
I can't talk enough about the support I received from support groups on the internet. I spent hours each day on one called BabyCenter Miscarriage Stillborn and Infant Loss Support. It is comforting to be in contact with so many other families going through the same things as me. I was able to talk to them about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING and they knew exactly how I felt.
I am still very active on that support board, even though I lost the twins over 1 year ago. I now get to help other families just starting on this journey and be a tiny part in righting their world again.
Thank-you everyone once again for being with me on my journey. I really do appreciate and love having your support!!!! SURE LOVE YA!!!!
Monday, October 3, 2016
Capture Your Grief 2016- Day #3 WHAT IT FEELS LIKE
Capture Your Grief- Day #3 WHAT IT FELT LIKE!!! Today's challenge is once again not a photograph, but this one is to describe positive and/or negative reactions we received from others regarding our losses. We are to paint a picture for you so you can see what it is like to be a bereaved parent.
I NEVER THOUGHT I would BE on this journey (no one ever does)!!!! I NEVER WANTED to BE on this journey (no one ever does)!!!!! This is a journey thousands of new families start every day but it is one you never want to take.
Society doesn't help with this journey because we are not allowed to talk about 'dead babies' (it makes society uncomfortable). A journey of child loss is heartbreaking and so lonely. Society judges on whether your baby was alive or not (especially if you lost during pregnancy). If society finds your baby did not live up to their version of being alive, then you have no right to grieve (because your baby wasn't anything more then a mass of cells).
Society gets to decide how families get to react to their loss and how long we are allowed to grieve. I hear countless stories in my Loss Support groups where families were judged harshly by others.
Society also forgets about the Loss families. Just after you lose a child, you will probably get quite a bit of support in the first couple of weeks, but after that, you almost always get lost and forgotten in the hassle and bustle of other people's lives (even though your life has come to a complete upside down stop)
When I lost Little Man and Rain, I really only had 2 people that kept in contact with me after the first couple of weeks. Bear was away from work from 5AM to 7:15PM and in bed by 8PM Monday through Friday so I didn't have his support. I was completely alone (except for quite a few birds and a dog). No one invited me to do something. No one brought dinners (we did have someone bring over one dinner). No one came over for visits. No one called or texted me (besides the 2 people I mentioned earlier). I spent HOURS EVERY SINGLE DAY in a very dark place emotionally. I CRIED for HOURS. I kept telling myself over and over again (for 14 months) that I killed my children, that i was such a bad mom that I let my children die (I will talk about that experience on another day). I truly felt I was completely alone in the world.
I did have many friends on the Loss Support board I was an active on. BabyCenter Miscarriage, Stillborn and Infant Loss (MSIL) Support board was a lifesaver for me. It gave me a place I could message other families going through the same things as me. I also was able to support many people on their journey. If you or someone you know has lost a child and they need support, I suggest this place. The women are so supportive and we are like a big family united in a tragic cause.
Many times society does not mean to be nasty. They are trying to help or trying to 'fix' things (I will be talking about this subject on another day too). They also have no idea how to react to a Loss families grief.
I have been blessed though to have had countless
positive reactions from others with my losses. After I lost Little Man, I received flowers, cards, letters, treasured keepsakes, acts of service and much much more from family, friends and even complete strangers (there were way too many acts of kindness to be named individually).
After I lost Rain , I received even more cards, messages, keepsakes, prayers and blessings from others. I even was given a memorial ceremony by family for Little Man and Rain.
I didn't get too much acknowledgment after I lost Monkey and Cub. I did get a few messages from others but they seemed to have been quickly forgotten. I know I only had them for a moment, but they are still children that need to be remembered.
There are MANY ups and downs on this journey and each one teaches you something and makes you a stronger and better person, if you allow it.
Thank you all so much for your uplifting comments so far!!! They really to help me!!! Please spread the word about Pregnancy and Infant Loss because most likely you or someone you know (and you might not even know it) has lost a child!!!
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day3 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
I NEVER THOUGHT I would BE on this journey (no one ever does)!!!! I NEVER WANTED to BE on this journey (no one ever does)!!!!! This is a journey thousands of new families start every day but it is one you never want to take.
Society doesn't help with this journey because we are not allowed to talk about 'dead babies' (it makes society uncomfortable). A journey of child loss is heartbreaking and so lonely. Society judges on whether your baby was alive or not (especially if you lost during pregnancy). If society finds your baby did not live up to their version of being alive, then you have no right to grieve (because your baby wasn't anything more then a mass of cells).
Society gets to decide how families get to react to their loss and how long we are allowed to grieve. I hear countless stories in my Loss Support groups where families were judged harshly by others.
Society also forgets about the Loss families. Just after you lose a child, you will probably get quite a bit of support in the first couple of weeks, but after that, you almost always get lost and forgotten in the hassle and bustle of other people's lives (even though your life has come to a complete upside down stop)
When I lost Little Man and Rain, I really only had 2 people that kept in contact with me after the first couple of weeks. Bear was away from work from 5AM to 7:15PM and in bed by 8PM Monday through Friday so I didn't have his support. I was completely alone (except for quite a few birds and a dog). No one invited me to do something. No one brought dinners (we did have someone bring over one dinner). No one came over for visits. No one called or texted me (besides the 2 people I mentioned earlier). I spent HOURS EVERY SINGLE DAY in a very dark place emotionally. I CRIED for HOURS. I kept telling myself over and over again (for 14 months) that I killed my children, that i was such a bad mom that I let my children die (I will talk about that experience on another day). I truly felt I was completely alone in the world.
I did have many friends on the Loss Support board I was an active on. BabyCenter Miscarriage, Stillborn and Infant Loss (MSIL) Support board was a lifesaver for me. It gave me a place I could message other families going through the same things as me. I also was able to support many people on their journey. If you or someone you know has lost a child and they need support, I suggest this place. The women are so supportive and we are like a big family united in a tragic cause.
Many times society does not mean to be nasty. They are trying to help or trying to 'fix' things (I will be talking about this subject on another day too). They also have no idea how to react to a Loss families grief.
I have been blessed though to have had countless
positive reactions from others with my losses. After I lost Little Man, I received flowers, cards, letters, treasured keepsakes, acts of service and much much more from family, friends and even complete strangers (there were way too many acts of kindness to be named individually).
After I lost Rain , I received even more cards, messages, keepsakes, prayers and blessings from others. I even was given a memorial ceremony by family for Little Man and Rain.
I didn't get too much acknowledgment after I lost Monkey and Cub. I did get a few messages from others but they seemed to have been quickly forgotten. I know I only had them for a moment, but they are still children that need to be remembered.
There are MANY ups and downs on this journey and each one teaches you something and makes you a stronger and better person, if you allow it.
Thank you all so much for your uplifting comments so far!!! They really to help me!!! Please spread the word about Pregnancy and Infant Loss because most likely you or someone you know (and you might not even know it) has lost a child!!!
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day3 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
Sunday, October 2, 2016
Capture Your Grief Day #2 Who They Are
Capture Your Grief (Day #2) Who They Are!!! This challenge isn't a photo, but it is one where I share about my beautiful children today. Who are they? When were they born? How long did you have them for? What are their names? Share as much or as little as I feel comfortable with.
Little Man- I was SOOOO EXCITED when I found out I was pregnant with Little Man. I had been longing to be a mom for decades. Although I had awful morning sickness with him, he made me so happy!!!! I was so proud of my tiny baby bump and I cherished every one of his kicks. I will never forget the kicking frenzy he did the evening before his anatomy scan and the one he did in the early morning of when I last felt him move. I also will never forget the last kick I felt him give me.
I felt like my world came to an end on February 3, 2014, when after several days of not feeling him move I heard the words "I'm sorry but this pregnancy is a loss". I was in complete shock!!! I couldn't believe my Little Man was gone!!!! Bear and I drove to Research Medical Center in Kansas City the next morning for me to be induced. We had to drive in a historic, white-out blizzard.
My Mother-in-law, both sister in-laws and Star were all able to be there with us (many other family members were not able to be there because of the blizzard). I was in a pain med-free labor for 12 hours before Little Man arrived on February 6, 2014 at 9:56AM (2 days before my 34th birthday and 7 days after Bear's 33rd birthday) on what would have been his 24week mark. Little Man weighed 1lb 4.6oz and was 12 inches long. He had LIGHT blonde hair and beautiful blue/grey eyes (one of them was open).
We all spent the next 5 hours holding him, dressing him, talking to him and taking over 100 pictures of him. It was such bitter-sweet moments. My arms finally felt full. They had been empty for so long, but for those 5 hours they FINALLY got to hold a child that was mine. Of course it was also devastating because he was gone and I would never be able to hold him again.
After 5 hours of having him with us, it was time to say a final goodbye to Little Man. A second blizzard was going to start in a couple of hours so we had to get home. Bear held him in his arms while I gave him a kiss goodbye. We laid him in the bassinet as I sat in the wheelchair being pushed by a porter. A nurse was pushing Little Man in front of me while Bear walked beside me. We came to a stop in front of a locked door. The nurse unlocks the door and pushes Little Man's bassinet inside the tiny broom closet of a room. The nurse walks back out of the room and closes and locks the door and we continue on our way down the hall.
I wanted with everything inside me to get up and break that door down, grab Little Man and run and keep on running. I wanted to spend so much longer with him. I didn't get enough time!!!! Tragically I couldn't get any more time with him. Those 5 hours and those 100+ pictures of him will have to last me the rest of my life.
Rain- I found out I was pregnant with Rain on May 11, 2014 (Mothers Day). I was once again SOOOO EXCITED when I found out I was pregnant with her. We had lost Little Man 3 months before and were still devastated. Rain was going to be our Rainbow Baby (a baby born after a loss). She brought us hope, beauty, joy, light, promise into our life of storms. We loved and wanted and needed her so much!!!! We thought we would be able to keep her this time. We didn't think Heavenly Father would take away another one of our children when we wanted and needed her.
On the early morning of May 19th, I had a dream/nightmare where I lost this baby as well. It was a very confusing dream (one that I will never forget). In this dream I see a tiny baby girl laying in a tiny white casket wearing a beautiful white dress and matching bonnet. The baby girl is SOOOO BEAUTIFUL and is surrounded by a warm, bright light. Although this baby was gone, I knew she was mine and I loved her above everything!!! I was soooo happy being around her and being able to curess her arms, hands, feet, face and cheeks. As I am starring down at her, she begins to cry. I pick her up out of the casket and hold her close to my chest and rock side to side. Although she had miraculous came back to life, I was in tears and filled with such sorrow. I kept saying over and over again "I lost my Rain. My beautiful Rain".
I woke up from the dream and was really confused. I couldn't understand why I had a dream where I lost our daughter but then came back to life. Are we going to loose this baby, if so why did this girl live in the end. If we do get to keep this baby, why did I dream we lost her???
Sadly I began bleeding at 9:30 PM, the next evening. I knew I had indeed lost our daughter although I was begging Bear and God to not let it be true. I continued to bleed for the rest of the night and into the next day. On May 21,2014 (exactly 31/2 months since Little Man was born-still) Rain arrived at 5weeks3days, just 10 days after I found out I was pregnant.
Monkey and Cub-. After we lost Rain, Bear and I decided to take a full year off from trying to convince and make sure we both were ready physically and emotionally to try again. I went to several doctors to make sure everything was ok. Everything came back normal.
I got pregnant during my 2nd cycle after taking the year off. I started bleeding again at 5 weeks. I went to several doctors to see if the bleeding could be stopped. Nothing could be done with the bleeding, but I was able to get several ultrasounds and see a baby. Although the baby was measuring smaller then it should, it had a strong heartbeat.
On the evening of August 9, 2015 at what would have been 7weeks6days, I lost Monkey I screamed for Bear to come over to confirm what I had found. He agreed it was our baby and I began to cry. I begged Bear to forgive me for keep losing his children. We both cried and held each other for quite awhile.
The next day, I went in for another ultrasound to make sure everything passed. We were surprised to find another baby (Cub) on the ultrasound. I ended up being pregnant with twins. Sadly though, this baby didn't have a heartbeat. Since I had been bleeding for several weeks already, it was decided that I would take medication to speed up the miscarriage process. After 2 days and 4 hours of intense labor pain, Cub arrived.
I'm so blessed to have had these 4 children in my life. Although i had them for such a short time, they changed our lives forever!!!!
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016day2 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
Little Man- I was SOOOO EXCITED when I found out I was pregnant with Little Man. I had been longing to be a mom for decades. Although I had awful morning sickness with him, he made me so happy!!!! I was so proud of my tiny baby bump and I cherished every one of his kicks. I will never forget the kicking frenzy he did the evening before his anatomy scan and the one he did in the early morning of when I last felt him move. I also will never forget the last kick I felt him give me.
I felt like my world came to an end on February 3, 2014, when after several days of not feeling him move I heard the words "I'm sorry but this pregnancy is a loss". I was in complete shock!!! I couldn't believe my Little Man was gone!!!! Bear and I drove to Research Medical Center in Kansas City the next morning for me to be induced. We had to drive in a historic, white-out blizzard.
My Mother-in-law, both sister in-laws and Star were all able to be there with us (many other family members were not able to be there because of the blizzard). I was in a pain med-free labor for 12 hours before Little Man arrived on February 6, 2014 at 9:56AM (2 days before my 34th birthday and 7 days after Bear's 33rd birthday) on what would have been his 24week mark. Little Man weighed 1lb 4.6oz and was 12 inches long. He had LIGHT blonde hair and beautiful blue/grey eyes (one of them was open).
We all spent the next 5 hours holding him, dressing him, talking to him and taking over 100 pictures of him. It was such bitter-sweet moments. My arms finally felt full. They had been empty for so long, but for those 5 hours they FINALLY got to hold a child that was mine. Of course it was also devastating because he was gone and I would never be able to hold him again.
After 5 hours of having him with us, it was time to say a final goodbye to Little Man. A second blizzard was going to start in a couple of hours so we had to get home. Bear held him in his arms while I gave him a kiss goodbye. We laid him in the bassinet as I sat in the wheelchair being pushed by a porter. A nurse was pushing Little Man in front of me while Bear walked beside me. We came to a stop in front of a locked door. The nurse unlocks the door and pushes Little Man's bassinet inside the tiny broom closet of a room. The nurse walks back out of the room and closes and locks the door and we continue on our way down the hall.
I wanted with everything inside me to get up and break that door down, grab Little Man and run and keep on running. I wanted to spend so much longer with him. I didn't get enough time!!!! Tragically I couldn't get any more time with him. Those 5 hours and those 100+ pictures of him will have to last me the rest of my life.
Rain- I found out I was pregnant with Rain on May 11, 2014 (Mothers Day). I was once again SOOOO EXCITED when I found out I was pregnant with her. We had lost Little Man 3 months before and were still devastated. Rain was going to be our Rainbow Baby (a baby born after a loss). She brought us hope, beauty, joy, light, promise into our life of storms. We loved and wanted and needed her so much!!!! We thought we would be able to keep her this time. We didn't think Heavenly Father would take away another one of our children when we wanted and needed her.
On the early morning of May 19th, I had a dream/nightmare where I lost this baby as well. It was a very confusing dream (one that I will never forget). In this dream I see a tiny baby girl laying in a tiny white casket wearing a beautiful white dress and matching bonnet. The baby girl is SOOOO BEAUTIFUL and is surrounded by a warm, bright light. Although this baby was gone, I knew she was mine and I loved her above everything!!! I was soooo happy being around her and being able to curess her arms, hands, feet, face and cheeks. As I am starring down at her, she begins to cry. I pick her up out of the casket and hold her close to my chest and rock side to side. Although she had miraculous came back to life, I was in tears and filled with such sorrow. I kept saying over and over again "I lost my Rain. My beautiful Rain".
I woke up from the dream and was really confused. I couldn't understand why I had a dream where I lost our daughter but then came back to life. Are we going to loose this baby, if so why did this girl live in the end. If we do get to keep this baby, why did I dream we lost her???
Sadly I began bleeding at 9:30 PM, the next evening. I knew I had indeed lost our daughter although I was begging Bear and God to not let it be true. I continued to bleed for the rest of the night and into the next day. On May 21,2014 (exactly 31/2 months since Little Man was born-still) Rain arrived at 5weeks3days, just 10 days after I found out I was pregnant.
Monkey and Cub-. After we lost Rain, Bear and I decided to take a full year off from trying to convince and make sure we both were ready physically and emotionally to try again. I went to several doctors to make sure everything was ok. Everything came back normal.
I got pregnant during my 2nd cycle after taking the year off. I started bleeding again at 5 weeks. I went to several doctors to see if the bleeding could be stopped. Nothing could be done with the bleeding, but I was able to get several ultrasounds and see a baby. Although the baby was measuring smaller then it should, it had a strong heartbeat.
On the evening of August 9, 2015 at what would have been 7weeks6days, I lost Monkey I screamed for Bear to come over to confirm what I had found. He agreed it was our baby and I began to cry. I begged Bear to forgive me for keep losing his children. We both cried and held each other for quite awhile.
The next day, I went in for another ultrasound to make sure everything passed. We were surprised to find another baby (Cub) on the ultrasound. I ended up being pregnant with twins. Sadly though, this baby didn't have a heartbeat. Since I had been bleeding for several weeks already, it was decided that I would take medication to speed up the miscarriage process. After 2 days and 4 hours of intense labor pain, Cub arrived.
I'm so blessed to have had these 4 children in my life. Although i had them for such a short time, they changed our lives forever!!!!
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016day2 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Capture Your Grief 2016 Day #1 SUNRISE DEDICATION
This morning starts Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. To help spread the word and to share with you my experiences with my own 4 losses, I will be taking part in a daily photography challenge called Capture Your Grief.
Capture Your Grief 2016 DAY 1: SUNRISE DEDICATION
Here is a picture of this morning's sun. Star and I went outside this morning at 6:30 to watch the 7:05 sunrise here in Columbia Missouri. The clouds ended up being way too thick to see the sun, but we did get some pretty pictures.
Sunrises brought me much comfort during my healing. It showed me that I made it through another dark night (both literally and figuratively). The most memorable sunrise I remember happened 3 weeks after Little Man was born still at 24weeks. I was driving to visit Star who was going to school 2 hours away. I started my drive before sunrise. I was still heavily grieving Little Man and had many 'miss him' and endurance songs on my phones play list.
As the sun was starting to break through the horizon in front of me, a song called 'Hold On' by Michael McLean (a religious singer) came on my phone. Here are the lyrics
The message of this moment is so clear;
And as certain as the rising of the sun.
If your world is filled with darkness doubt and fear,
Just hold on, Hold on; the light will come.
Ev'ryone who's ever tried and failed
Stands much taller when the victory's won.
And those who've been in darkness for a while
Kneel much longer when the light has come.
It's a lesson ev'ry one of us must learn;
That the answers never come without a fight.
And when it seems you've struggled far too long,
Just hold on, hold on; there will be light.
Hold on. Hold on. The light will come.
When you feel trapped inside a never-ending night.
If you've forgotten how it feels to feel the light,
If you're half crazy thinking you're the only one
Who's afraid the light will never really come
Just hold on. Hold on! The light will come.
The message of this moment is so clear;
And as certain as the rising of the sun.
If your world is filled with darkness doubt and fear.
Just hold on, hold on, the light will come
Those lyrics, music and that sunrise is just what I needed at that moment to remind me that although I felt like I was in darkness, the light would be coming in my life again.
I had a lot more opportunities to see the sunrise after I lost Rain at 6weeks. At the time, Bear and I lived 90 minutes away from Bear's work. The stress of his job and the recent loss of Rain and the loss of Little Man just 31/2 months before, caused MAJOR stress on Bear where literally all he would do was work or sleep. It got so bad that I had to drive him to and from work while he slept in the passenger seat. We would leave the house at 5AM, drop him off at work at 6:30AM and then I would drive home from 6:30 to around 8AM (to pick him up, I would leave at 2PM, get there at 3:30 and get home around 5).
I saw countless sunrises during those drives and each one reminded me to Hold On!!!!
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day1 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
Capture Your Grief 2016 DAY 1: SUNRISE DEDICATION
Here is a picture of this morning's sun. Star and I went outside this morning at 6:30 to watch the 7:05 sunrise here in Columbia Missouri. The clouds ended up being way too thick to see the sun, but we did get some pretty pictures.
Sunrises brought me much comfort during my healing. It showed me that I made it through another dark night (both literally and figuratively). The most memorable sunrise I remember happened 3 weeks after Little Man was born still at 24weeks. I was driving to visit Star who was going to school 2 hours away. I started my drive before sunrise. I was still heavily grieving Little Man and had many 'miss him' and endurance songs on my phones play list.
As the sun was starting to break through the horizon in front of me, a song called 'Hold On' by Michael McLean (a religious singer) came on my phone. Here are the lyrics
The message of this moment is so clear;
And as certain as the rising of the sun.
If your world is filled with darkness doubt and fear,
Just hold on, Hold on; the light will come.
Ev'ryone who's ever tried and failed
Stands much taller when the victory's won.
And those who've been in darkness for a while
Kneel much longer when the light has come.
It's a lesson ev'ry one of us must learn;
That the answers never come without a fight.
And when it seems you've struggled far too long,
Just hold on, hold on; there will be light.
Hold on. Hold on. The light will come.
When you feel trapped inside a never-ending night.
If you've forgotten how it feels to feel the light,
If you're half crazy thinking you're the only one
Who's afraid the light will never really come
Just hold on. Hold on! The light will come.
The message of this moment is so clear;
And as certain as the rising of the sun.
If your world is filled with darkness doubt and fear.
Just hold on, hold on, the light will come
Those lyrics, music and that sunrise is just what I needed at that moment to remind me that although I felt like I was in darkness, the light would be coming in my life again.
I had a lot more opportunities to see the sunrise after I lost Rain at 6weeks. At the time, Bear and I lived 90 minutes away from Bear's work. The stress of his job and the recent loss of Rain and the loss of Little Man just 31/2 months before, caused MAJOR stress on Bear where literally all he would do was work or sleep. It got so bad that I had to drive him to and from work while he slept in the passenger seat. We would leave the house at 5AM, drop him off at work at 6:30AM and then I would drive home from 6:30 to around 8AM (to pick him up, I would leave at 2PM, get there at 3:30 and get home around 5).
I saw countless sunrises during those drives and each one reminded me to Hold On!!!!
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day1 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
Besides October being Breast Cancer Awareness month it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. So when you Think Pink add some blue for those families who never got to hold their children or who can't hold them any longer.
I will be taking part in a daily photography challenge called Capture Your Grief. It will be a way for me talk about the experiences with my 4 losses and how this journey has influenced my life. I look forward to sharing something so dear to my heart with all of you this month.
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
I will be taking part in a daily photography challenge called Capture Your Grief. It will be a way for me talk about the experiences with my 4 losses and how this journey has influenced my life. I look forward to sharing something so dear to my heart with all of you this month.
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
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