Capture Your Grief (Day #2) Who They Are!!! This challenge isn't a photo, but it is one where I share about my beautiful children today. Who are they? When were they born? How long did you have them for? What are their names? Share as much or as little as I feel comfortable with.
Little Man- I was SOOOO EXCITED when I found out I was pregnant with Little Man. I had been longing to be a mom for decades. Although I had awful morning sickness with him, he made me so happy!!!! I was so proud of my tiny baby bump and I cherished every one of his kicks. I will never forget the kicking frenzy he did the evening before his anatomy scan and the one he did in the early morning of when I last felt him move. I also will never forget the last kick I felt him give me.
I felt like my world came to an end on February 3, 2014, when after several days of not feeling him move I heard the words "I'm sorry but this pregnancy is a loss". I was in complete shock!!! I couldn't believe my Little Man was gone!!!! Bear and I drove to Research Medical Center in Kansas City the next morning for me to be induced. We had to drive in a historic, white-out blizzard.
My Mother-in-law, both sister in-laws and Star were all able to be there with us (many other family members were not able to be there because of the blizzard). I was in a pain med-free labor for 12 hours before Little Man arrived on February 6, 2014 at 9:56AM (2 days before my 34th birthday and 7 days after Bear's 33rd birthday) on what would have been his 24week mark. Little Man weighed 1lb 4.6oz and was 12 inches long. He had LIGHT blonde hair and beautiful blue/grey eyes (one of them was open).
We all spent the next 5 hours holding him, dressing him, talking to him and taking over 100 pictures of him. It was such bitter-sweet moments. My arms finally felt full. They had been empty for so long, but for those 5 hours they FINALLY got to hold a child that was mine. Of course it was also devastating because he was gone and I would never be able to hold him again.
After 5 hours of having him with us, it was time to say a final goodbye to Little Man. A second blizzard was going to start in a couple of hours so we had to get home. Bear held him in his arms while I gave him a kiss goodbye. We laid him in the bassinet as I sat in the wheelchair being pushed by a porter. A nurse was pushing Little Man in front of me while Bear walked beside me. We came to a stop in front of a locked door. The nurse unlocks the door and pushes Little Man's bassinet inside the tiny broom closet of a room. The nurse walks back out of the room and closes and locks the door and we continue on our way down the hall.
I wanted with everything inside me to get up and break that door down, grab Little Man and run and keep on running. I wanted to spend so much longer with him. I didn't get enough time!!!! Tragically I couldn't get any more time with him. Those 5 hours and those 100+ pictures of him will have to last me the rest of my life.
Rain- I found out I was pregnant with Rain on May 11, 2014 (Mothers Day). I was once again SOOOO EXCITED when I found out I was pregnant with her. We had lost Little Man 3 months before and were still devastated. Rain was going to be our Rainbow Baby (a baby born after a loss). She brought us hope, beauty, joy, light, promise into our life of storms. We loved and wanted and needed her so much!!!! We thought we would be able to keep her this time. We didn't think Heavenly Father would take away another one of our children when we wanted and needed her.
On the early morning of May 19th, I had a dream/nightmare where I lost this baby as well. It was a very confusing dream (one that I will never forget). In this dream I see a tiny baby girl laying in a tiny white casket wearing a beautiful white dress and matching bonnet. The baby girl is SOOOO BEAUTIFUL and is surrounded by a warm, bright light. Although this baby was gone, I knew she was mine and I loved her above everything!!! I was soooo happy being around her and being able to curess her arms, hands, feet, face and cheeks. As I am starring down at her, she begins to cry. I pick her up out of the casket and hold her close to my chest and rock side to side. Although she had miraculous came back to life, I was in tears and filled with such sorrow. I kept saying over and over again "I lost my Rain. My beautiful Rain".
I woke up from the dream and was really confused. I couldn't understand why I had a dream where I lost our daughter but then came back to life. Are we going to loose this baby, if so why did this girl live in the end. If we do get to keep this baby, why did I dream we lost her???
Sadly I began bleeding at 9:30 PM, the next evening. I knew I had indeed lost our daughter although I was begging Bear and God to not let it be true. I continued to bleed for the rest of the night and into the next day. On May 21,2014 (exactly 31/2 months since Little Man was born-still) Rain arrived at 5weeks3days, just 10 days after I found out I was pregnant.
Monkey and Cub-. After we lost Rain, Bear and I decided to take a full year off from trying to convince and make sure we both were ready physically and emotionally to try again. I went to several doctors to make sure everything was ok. Everything came back normal.
I got pregnant during my 2nd cycle after taking the year off. I started bleeding again at 5 weeks. I went to several doctors to see if the bleeding could be stopped. Nothing could be done with the bleeding, but I was able to get several ultrasounds and see a baby. Although the baby was measuring smaller then it should, it had a strong heartbeat.
On the evening of August 9, 2015 at what would have been 7weeks6days, I lost Monkey I screamed for Bear to come over to confirm what I had found. He agreed it was our baby and I began to cry. I begged Bear to forgive me for keep losing his children. We both cried and held each other for quite awhile.
The next day, I went in for another ultrasound to make sure everything passed. We were surprised to find another baby (Cub) on the ultrasound. I ended up being pregnant with twins. Sadly though, this baby didn't have a heartbeat. Since I had been bleeding for several weeks already, it was decided that I would take medication to speed up the miscarriage process. After 2 days and 4 hours of intense labor pain, Cub arrived.
I'm so blessed to have had these 4 children in my life. Although i had them for such a short time, they changed our lives forever!!!!
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016day2 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
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