Capture Your Grief 2016- Day #13 DEAR WORLD!!!!

Capture Your Grief 2016- Day #13 DEAR WORLD!!!!

Todays Capture Your Grief is to talk about anything I want about the grief journey. After much thought and a big prompting I decided I wanted to talk about a group that always gets overlooked and forgotten about: Loss DADS. This group of men may appear strong, brave, and unaffected by their loss(es), but on the inside they are just as lost and broken as Loss Mothers are...they lost their child(ren) too.

Society has taught men from the time they are toddlers that they can't cry, show emotions and they must be strong. Add to that expectation and having to care for their grieving wives and you have a father who is not allowed to have an outlet for his own grief. He will hold onto his grief, anger and pain for months and even years until he can't hold onto it any longer.

Kendall has been a huge support to me on my journey. He has held me as I have cried. He has stayed up with me many nights when empty arms have kept me up. He has taken me on many mini sight seeing vacations to cheer me up and he enjoys just being around me. He works unbelievably hard to provide for us. He has had to deal with super high stress work environment.

With all of this going on and dealing with our losses, Kendall's health deteriorated rapidly. Within a month after losing Micah (in February 2014 at 24weeks) he had severe ulsers, seemingly never ending migraines, crazy sleeping patterns, mood swings and depression. He never talked about our kids and all of his energy was focused on work.

When we lost Alison (at 6weeks in May 2014), everything got worse. Kendall still kept his grief bottled up and he and I were both paying for it.

When we lost the twins (Heidi and Noah at 8weeks in August 2015), Kendall immediately connected with the stuffed animals we had for all of the kids (I talked about this in a previous challenge post). They became the outlet for his grief. He clung to those 4 stuffed animals for an entire year. We slept with them at night. They sat with us when we watched TV. We took them with us if we were away for the weekend. He cuddled with them if he was having a bad day and he would play around with them when he was happy.

2 months ago, he finally had his emotional breakdown where he let out his grief for his lost children. He sobbed for several hours crying out for our kids. I've never seen him weep so hard or for so long. He spent the next week really sad, depressed, clinging to the stuffed animals and really talking about the kids. He then put the stuffed animals on the the book shelf where they have stayed untouched ever since.

His breakdown happened 2y6m after losing Micah, 2y3m from losing Alison and 1 year almost to the day we lost the twins. Kendall held all of his grief in for 21/2 years before he could finally let go to ALL of his grief. He has been happier the last 2 months and I have noticed he has had very few headaches since his release.

Over the last 2 1/2 years, I have come across some helpful information on what it's like for Loss Fathers to greive. I've come to realize they grieve differently then women do BUT THEY DO GRIEVE!!! They show their emotions in different ways and at different times. Women and society may think that the Dad's don't care but I've come to learn they care and they hurt far beyond our understanding. Here are 2 of my favorite poems about being a Child Loss Dad!!!

Hello there Mr. Hallmark man,

I wrote to you in May

To ask that words of love be shared

With my mom on Mother’s Day.

Just as there is no card for Mom

To let her know I care,

There is no card for my dad, too,

And I have so much to share.

It’s very hard for my loving dad

To know that I’m okay.

To protect me was his job, he feels,

So he thinks he failed some way.

Although I had to leave this world,

While still considered young,

There is no way he ever failed—

There’s no more he could have done.

My dad he tends to question

Those things he cannot see.

I always send him little signs

To say, “Hey, Dad, it’s me!”

I hear him crying in the car,

The shower hides his tears.

He feels he has to be so strong

For those he holds so dear.

My dad he often gets so mad

At what became of me.

He wants so much to understand,

He says, “How could this be?”

I somehow need to let him know,

Though impossible it seems—

For him to live and laugh again

Will fulfill so many dreams.

The card I need to send right now

To a dad as great as mine,

Will thank him for the love he gave

Throughout my brief lifetime.

He’s still the one that I call Dad,

Our bond’s forever strong,

‘Cuz even though he can’t see me,

Our love lives on and on.

Please help me find a way

To tell my dad that when

It comes his time to leave the earth

I’ll be waiting there for him.

And also, Mr. Hallmark man,

Please help him to believe,

That nothing will ever change the fact

That my dad he’ll always be.

Here is another poem:

Father’s Grief
By Eileen Knight Hagemeister

It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief.
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test.
And field calls and visitors
So that she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's alright
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, how are you?"

He hears her cry in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
And dries her tears and comforts her
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

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