Capture Your Grief 2016- Day #9 (SURRENDER + EMBRACE!!!!

Todays challenge is also another difficult subject to talk about and admit. It is about letting out and letting go of all the emotions tied in with grieving. I am the type of person who keeps her emotions all inside and bottled up until I can't hold them in any longer. I like to show the world I am ok, I am fine, nothing is wrong and that I am strong and can handle anything. Showing or admitting I had any kind of fear, doubt, sadness, grief or tears out in public is terrifying to me.

I remember the first time I broke down after I lost Micah. You would think I would have broken down after not feeling him move for a few days. NOPE! How about when I saw the ultrasound of Micah, laying so still on his back with no heartbeat? NO! How about when I called all the family and let them know what happened? NOT THEN EITHER! How about when Kendall and I got to the hospital for me to be induced? NOPE! During the 12 hours I suffered during a pain med free, induced labor COMPLETELY by myself? NOPE! During the 1 hour pushing? NOT! How about breaking down during the 5 hours we got to hold him, dress him, and take pictures of him? WRONG AGAIN? How about when Micah was pushed into a room and then the nurse locked the door and we continued down the hall and we left the hospital without him? I didn't break down then either

The first time I had a full on breakdown sob fest was 2 days after Micah was born still. It was my twin sister's, Robin Thornton and I's 34th birthday. Robin was spending some time with Kendall and I to help us out. My in-laws were over for a visit. Up until this point I had either acted like I was ok, I'm strong or I was in too much of a shock to have any emotions of any kind. I had shed quite a few tears throughout the week but it was never any kind of emotional release.

My in-laws had just walked out the door from their visit and I all of the sudden was overcome with overwhelming grief. I closed the door and collapsed to the floor. I began crying huge sobs. I rocked back and forth begging for Micah to come back. My entire face was red and wet within seconds. Kendall and Robin quickly walked over to me and held me as I was sobbing on the kitchen floor.

I sobbed for a good 30 minutes begging them to get Micah or let me go to where Micah was. All I could think about was being with Micah in any way I could. After the 30 minutes, I calmed down and I was able to get cleaned up.

Kendall and Robin thought it would a good idea for me to get out of the house for a few minutes to run a quick errand. I went with them although the entire time I was silently begging them to hurry up. It was too overwhelming for me and I felt another breakdown starting. Luckily, we finished the errand, was out of the store and home before it happened.

I did realize that I did feel better after that breakdown. I had quite a few other 'emotional releases' when I was alone the 15 hours Kendall was away at work. Having the releases eased the amount of grief I was holding on to. Letting go brought a healing that I couldn't have gotten any other way. The crying, sobbing, tears, the words coming from my wounded heart and soul all working together to heal what was broken.

Just after I lost Micah, I came across a song by Hilary Weeks (a religious singer) titled Just Let Me Cry. This song talks about how it is ok to cry and how healing crying is. Here are the lyrics:

I believe that everything happens for a reason
We're not just tossed by the wind or left in the hands of fate
But sometimes life sends a storm that's unexpected
And we're forced to face our deepest pain

When I feel the heartache begin to pull me under
I dig my heels in deep and I fight to keep my ground
Still at times the hurt inside grows stronger
And there's nothing I can do but let it out

Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry

When I agreed that God could put this heart inside me
I understood that there would be a chance that it would break
But I know He knows exactly how I'm feeling
And I know in time He'll take the pain away
But for now

Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry

I have felt joy the kind that makes my heart want to sing
And so my tears are not a surrender
I know I will feel that way again
But for now
For this moment

Just let me cry
I know it's hard to see
But the pain I feel
Isn't going away today
Just let me cry
Till every tear has fallen
Don't ask when and don't ask why
Just let me cry

I believe that everything happens for a reason

With understanding that crying and having an emotional release wasn't a sign of weakness, it made it easier for me to have an emotional release much sooner with my other losses. I think that was a big reason why I was able to make peace with their passing sooner then with Micah.

For all of you, remember crying is not a weakness. It shows you are hurting and that's ok.

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