This is kind of a fun topic to write about. I get to tell you of some things that remind me of my kids. Also there are things that happen that make me think that my kids are remembering me. These things make me smile and show me that our kids have never really left us.
MICAH-
(DOGS). Kendall always wanted his first sons theme to be bears and I always dreamed of him being a pirate. Neither one of us got what we planned though because Micahs theme ended up being dogs. Like I mentioned in a previous challenge day post, one month before we lost Micah (at 24weeks), Kendall and I went to the local animal shelter and adopted a dog (a black Lab named Knight). We both wanted Micah to grow up with a pet and we wanted his first pet to be all ready and waiting for him when he arrived.
Also, 5 days before I last felt Micah kick, I went to Build-A-Bear and made him his first stuffed animal. I looked all over for a bear for him but nothing called out to me. All that I could picture Micah cuddleing with was a fuzzy white dog with brown patches. So I made him a dog.
Another reason for dogs was just after I lost Micah, an Aunt of mine and her best friend (whom I'm also very close too. Thank you Kay Johnson and Verna Neilson Shaw) sent me a Willow Tree statue of a boy angel hugging a black dog (Angel of Comfort). The sentiment was Offering an embrace of comfort and love. That meant so much to me.
(WILLOW TREES). When I was in the hospital having Micah, on the outside door of my hospital room and all over in the inside, there were pictures of willow trees. A nurse told me they were to represent that I had a loss and that staff and visitors were to treat us with gentleness. As I spent time looking at the pictures of the trees, I noticed they looked like how I felt and how I wanted to stay hidden behind their branches.
ALISON
(LAMB)- Just after I lost Alison, I went back to Build-A-Bear and searched for something I could make her. Once again, the only thing that felt right was a white lamb. I imagined Alison to be a girly girl who couldn't stand to be dirty. She would want to keep everything pure, bright, clean and white. Just as I picture lambs having a pure white coat of wool, I pictured Alison having a pure white soul.
(FORGET-ME-NOT FLOWER) Just after I lost Alison, I was walking around in my yard thinking about and missing her and I noticed several square feet of tiny wild flowers. I got on my hands and knees to look at them and realized they were Forget-Me-Nots. Tears came to my eyes as I studied those tiny flowers and what meaning they had. I had only known about Alison for 10 days before I lost her. She was in my life for just a moment but she had already meant EVERYTHING to me. Just like those tiny flowers, how they are even smaller then a drop of water, but oh how beautiful and important they are.
I spent well over an hour laying in that field of Forget-Me-Nots and the sunshine, thinking about my little girl. Those flowers were so healing to me that day.
(RAINBOWS) When I found out I was pregnant with Alison, I was filled with such joy. I thought Heavenly Father was sending us a child to keep this time. A baby born after a loss is called a Rainbow Baby. This baby was our beauty, light, joy, peace and His promise from the storms we had been living in for the past 3 months since we lost Micah.
Even though we lost her too, she still brought and brings beauty, light, joy, peace and His promise into our lives.
HEIDI
(BUTTERFLIES) Although I think of Alison too when I see butterflies, I think they match Heidi's imagined personality perfectly. I imagine Heidi always on the go, fluttering from one thing to another. I picture her having a bright, colorful and cheerful disposition, bringing smiles to all she comes in contact with her. I picture her being hard to keep on the ground. She always wants to be high in the sky or resting on beautiful flowers.
(THE SUN) With my imagined personality of Heidi, how can I think about her and not think about the sun too. Heidi is the warmth and the light of the sun. She radiates her warmth and light to ease our dark and cold journey of Loss. Her shining happiness reminds us that everything is ok and things will get better.
NOAH
(BEAR CUB) Although I can't picture Noah being a huge, wild, tough and mean bear, I can picture him being a young cub. One that loves to explore his surroundings but comes running to Mama Bear (me) for reassurance and comfort.
(THE STARS) Noah is the quiet and stillness of the night. His calm, almost silent company brings rest to a hurt and weary soul. The quiet light he gives is a constant. You may not always see it, but it is always there, watching from above. He gives direction and light to the one who is lost in the dark.
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day10 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
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