5 days before I last felt Little Man kick, Star, one sister-in-law and I went to Build-A-Bear to make Little Man his first stuffed animal. We picked out a raggy dog that was white and had dark brown patches (even one looked like a heart). We named him Patches. I was so proud of Patches and showed him off to quite a few people. Bear and I enjoyed having Patches around and getting ready for Little Man to arrive in 4 more months.
As soon as Bear and I got home from the doctors office after finding out Little Man's heart had stopped, Bear and I picked Patches up and he remained in our arms for a full month. We clung to Patches in the hospital. I clung to him on the way home to help with my empty arms. We clung to him as we sat at home trying to figure out how to live without Little Man. We clung to him at night when it seemed like the night would never end. I left him in the car when I ran errands, wishing I could actually bring him with me.
After a month, Bear and I decided it was time to put Patches back on the shelf so he wouldn't get ruined (we wanted Patches to last for decades more).
Two and half months later, when we lost Rain, my sister and I went back to Build-A-Bear and got her a lamb. We named her Spring. Because we didn't want to ruin Spring either, we put her on the shelf next to Patches and she remained there.
The morning after I lost Monkey, I had a doctors appointment to check up on the miscarriage process. While I was there, Bear and Star went to Build-A-Dinosaur (same thing as Build -A-Bear just with dinosaurs). Bear picked out a blue pterodactyl for her named Happy Hawkey (Bear picked that name)
During the appointment it was discovered that I had been pregnant with twins and one of the babies was still inside me. Sadly though, that baby didn't have a heartbeat. When I told Bear the news, he and Star stooped off at Toys R Us and bought that baby (Cub) a little fuzzy stuffed bear named Carmel
When Bear and Star came home with Happy Hawkey and Carmel, Bear got Patches and Spring off the shelf and put them on the couch with us and Happy Hawkey and Carmel.
For the next year, those 4 stuffed animals were apart of Bear and I's lives. They sat with us while we watched TV. We slept with them at night (we each slept with 2 of them and traded off). We took them if we went away on the weekends (we snuck them under a blanket into our in-laws house all the time). When we were having a rough day, we would cuddle with them. We even took them to church with us all the time (we used them to keep our primary class (4&5 year olds) reverent.
Having these stuffed animals with us and not sitting on a shelf, REALLY helped on our journey (ESPECIALLY my husband). My husband had a hard time getting over the loss of our children, especially since he didn't have the connection with our kids that I did. These stuffed animals gave him something to hold, something tangible that gave him a connection. I can't put into words how much having these stuffed animals have meant to Bearl and I.
Something happed about 6 weeks ago that made us decide to put the stuffed animals back on the shelf. So as of now, they are sitting on a shelf in our room for the foreseeable future.
I know to most of you we sound crazy to have had such a connection to stuffed animals, but unless you have aching hearts and empty arms, you won't understand how comforting and healing it is to have something tangible to hold.
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day5 #whathealsyou #carleymarieproject.
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