My Story

Hello, I'm Jewel!!!  Nice to meet you!!!!  I wanted to tell you a little bit about me.  I was born and raised in Southern California (Orange County).  I have one older brother, J, and a twin sister, Star.  Star and I are BEST FRIENDS and INSEPARABLE!!!  We lived close to Disneyland and went there several times a month (my first visit was when I was 10 days old :P).  I am sure I have been there well over 500 times, but still LOVE it!!!  We also lived close to the beach and we would go quite regularly (no, I was not a surfer, just a boogie boarder :P).  I also love reading, camping, being out in nature and being with family.

Although I loved doing all of those things, what I wanted most above everything in life, was to be a mom (and Star too)!!!  As long as we could remember, the only career we wanted when we grew up was to be a Stay-At-Home-Moms!!!  Our life revolved around having kids in the future (after we got married of course).  We played with dolls long after most girls stopped playing with them.  We had probably well over 100 dolls and we knew each one by name and gave them all different personalities.  We loved to pretend we were mothers to our dolls.  

We started babysitting when we were 12 and kept busy with regular clients and occasional jobs until we were in our 20's.  We loved the children we watched (we called them Our Little Ones).  They all were special to us.  We enjoyed being with them, caring for them and watching them grow.  We longed for the day when we would have children of our own.  

When I was 18 years old, I had a very special experience where I got to meet 2 of my future children (I will go in more details in another post).  Seeing these 2 children was such a blessing to me.  I loved these children above everything and couldn't wait to hold them in my arms.  I had many more experiences with these 2 over the years and enjoyed every moment with them.  When I was in my late 20's I got to meet 2 more of my future children and loved them with every moment I got to spend with them.

Although I loved these 4 children and knew they would be mine someday, I was getting very discouraged when it came to the part about dating and marriage.  I was 29 years old before I had my very first official date.  It was with a guy I had been acquaintances with for several years through church.  Our church Young Single Adult group had a girl ask guy dance and I asked him if he would like to go with me.  He said yes and we had a great time.  We went out quite a few more times over the next 2 years but nothing developed beyond friendship.

I joined 4 on-line dating sites and was on them regularly sending out messages and flirts to guys I liked.  I heard back from a few guys but within minutes of messaging them, they became inappropriate (wanting to talk about sex) and I stopped talking to them after many warnings to stop talking about that subject.    

One month after my 32nd birthday I had what I call a 'mid-singles meltdown'.  I couldn't stand to be single for one single second longer.  I wanted, I NEEDED to get married NOW!!!  I wanted, I NEEDED those 4 children NOW!!!  I got up at 8AM that morning and spent the next 18 hours on the 4 dating sites sending messages, flirts and emails to every single guy that had any qualities I liked.  My standards were pretty low that day.  As long as they were older then 25 and younger then 40 and had a decent paying job, they got a message from me.  I estimated I sent messages close to (or over) 500 guys.  

As I was sending messages out, I kept a prayer in my heart that went something like this "God, please allow at least one appropriate guy to answer my messages.  I don't need a bunch of them and he doesn't have to be THE ONE.  I just need at least one guy who will respect me and talk to me"  I checked my in-boxes regularly to see if I received any messages back but my in-boxes remained empty.I sent my last message at around 2AM the following morning and checked my in-boxes one last time.  My in-boxes were still empty but I felt at peace that my inboxes would be over flowing with messages later in the day and that more would be coming in over the next few days. 

I went to bed and when I work up again, I checked my inboxes and there was 1 single response.  The message was from a kib828.  He responded to my message (that I sent him at around 9:30 PM the night before) with Hello! How are you?.  I looked back at his profile and saw that he was a computer nerd but seemed nice.  I sent another message to him and our relationship took off.  I still kept checking the in-boxes for responses from other guys but the only messages I every received was from kib828. 

I found out his name was Bear and he lived in the mid-west.  He was a computer programmer and was just 11 months younger then me.  I also discovered he was a HUGE avid reader and was SUPER smart.  We got to know each other quite a bit through messages and over the phone.  In May 2012 (just 2 months since we started talking), Bear flew out to California to meet me and my family.  He spent 4 days with me and we had a great time going whale watching, going to a dinner theater, going to Disneyland and Sea World.  While at Disneyland, he proposed and I said yes.  We set a date of September 8, 2012  to be married to coincide on the 6th month mark of me sending the first message.  In July of 2012, I flew out to see him and meet his family.  I spent a week there and grew to love it there, his family and most of all Bear.   After we married, I moved to where Bear lived and my in-laws dragged Star along.too.

We have now been married 31/2 years and have had many trials including losing our 4 children.  Although we have endured much, we are still together and have faith we will have children in our arms someday.                   

No Footprint Too Small

Hello, I am Jewel.  I will write a little bit about me right now and I will write more in depth in later posts.  My husband Bear, and I were married in September 2012 and are the parents of 4 Angels; Little Man, Rain, Monkey and Cub.  We lost Little Man when he was born still at 24weeks, from unknown causes, in February 2014.  Exactly 31/2 months later,in May 2014, I miscarried Rain at 6weeks.  We got pregnant with twins one year later, but sadly I also miscarried Monkey and Cub at 8weeks in August 2015.

I am creating this blog to help me and to help others dealing with Pregnancy And Infant Loss (PAIL).  There are SO MANY families going through this loss but there are SO FEW resources, support and listening ears to help families deal with this heartbreaking journey.  I hope this blog blossoms into a place of refuge, understanding, information, and a voice to this tragedy.

My twin sister, Star, who has been my BIGGEST support on this journey will also be adding her input and talents to this blog too.  The loss of a child reaches far beyond just the immediate family.  Pregnancy And Infant Loss affects all loved ones.

I struggled for quite awhile on the name for this blog.  I wanted a name that showed how much these children are loved, missed and how much they impacted so many lives.  Star and I had a long list of ideas but we felt like No Footprint Too Small signified the best that everyone of these babies are special and need to be loved and remembered.

Please be an active part of this journey with us.  We all need each other.