After it was confirmed we had lost Little Man, my midwife gave us two options for what we could do next. Our first option was to go to the hospital and be induced and have Little Man within a few days. The other option was to allow nature to take it's course and allow Little Man to come naturally. If we allowed him to come naturally, it could take up to several weeks for him to come. My midwife had a stillborn daughter a few years before and she chose to go naturally. It took 4 weeks for her daughter to come.
Since it had been a REALLY harsh winter already (-35 degrees F the weekend before) and several record breaking blizzards hitting within the next few days, Bear and I decided I would be induced. My midwife sent us home and said she would contact us when she was able to get ahold of the doctor at the hospital. The doctor called us the next morning (Tuesday February 4, 2014) at 10AM and told us to be at the hospital by 1PM that afternoon.
Bear and I arrive at 1:45 and get checked into the hospital. The doctor arrives at 4PM and I get started on cytotec. I am given 50mg for the first dose. 4 hours later I am given 100mg and 4 hours later (and for the rest of my doses) I am given 200mg. The doctor warned that "with this situation don't be surprised if it takes a very long time for things to start and then once it starts, it will happen super fast."
I am given a dose every 4 hours. I am also checked for dilation at every dose. For my first dose, I am 0cm dilated. For my next dose I measured 1cm. Contractions start at 9PM Wednesday night (so about 29 hours after I was given my first dose). I continued to get 200mg cytotec and checked every 4 hours, My contractions become tear inducing pain at 2AM Thursday morning. By 5AM I want to scream and 8AM I want to die.
I, and the nurse, was completely surprised that at my 6AM check I was still only at 1cm dilated. When my pain became 'I want to die' I convinced the nurse to check me again. She first timed my contractions at 8:30AM and discovered that they were around 90 seconds apart and lasting for over 1 minute. She was shocked and quickly checked me. After checking me, she ran out of the room calling for the intern. He checked me and he affirmed that I was 10cm and was ready to push.
I started pushing at 9AM and Little Man was born at 9:56AM on Thursday February 6, 2014 weighing 1lb 4.6oz and was 12 inches long.
So for a timeline of my experience with Cytotec: It took 29 hours for contractions to start. I was in labor for another 9-11 hours before I started dilating. I went from a 1cm dilation at my 6AM check to being a full 10cm by 8:30AM. I pushed for 1 hour.
Showing posts with label Amber's Story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Amber's Story. Show all posts
Monday, January 4, 2016
Losing Little Man
On Tuesday January 29, 2014, at 6:30 PM, my nightmare began!!!! I was 22weeks5days that day and, Bear, Star and I spent all day out looking for baby items we would need for Little Man. We went to many stores looking at car seats, cribs, strollers, dressers, clothes etc. We were all enjoying the couch and recliner section of the last store of the day.
At 6:30PM, I felt Little Man give me a tiny kick. I was very aware of every movement from him for the rest of the night because I wanted Star to finally be able to feel Little Man kick. I wished she had been around at 2AM that morning because Little Man acted like he was having a grand party. He was kicking like crazy and doing flips for a good 10 minutes. He had only done that once before, and that had been about 2 weeks before, on the morning we found out IT'S A BOY.
I didn't feel Little Man kick for the rest of the evening. I grew a bit concerned when I didn't feel him as I got ready for bed. He usually gave a few small kicks as I settled for the night. When I didn't feel him kick by 9AM, the following morning, I KNEW something was wrong!!!! I spent HOURS scouring the internet and trying everything I could find to wake Micah up. I called my mid-wife many times in a panic. She gave me more things to try but nothing worked. She finally said he must be hiding for now. I called my Mom in tears. She told me that everything was ok, to stop worrying, to drop the subject because she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I tried telling everyone that something was wrong but the only person who believed me was Star.
With every moment that past my motherly instincts were SCREAMING "Something is wrong with Little Man. DO SOMETHING! Something is wrong with Little Man, PLEASE DO SOMETHING" It never stopped but without the support of women, who I thought were more of an expert then I was (this was my first pregnancy after all), I had no idea what to do.
I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus on a single thing besides the non-stop screaming my motherly instincts were giving off. On the outside, I looked fine and pretended everything was ok. I acted like I excepted the advice of all the 'experts'. On the inside though, I was a complete mess!!! No matter what I did, I couldn't ignore my instincts, but I felt deep guilt that I wasn't doing anything about it.
Finally after 6 days, I couldn't ignore it any longer!!! Even though most everyone was STILL telling me nothin was wrong, I demanded to see my midwife. I went in for a 1:00 PM appointment on Monday, February 3rd 2014. Bear was supposed to have gone to work that day but his car was snowed in and wasn't going anywhere. We drove the 1 hour to my midwife's office. Along the way I SWARE I felt Little Man finally give me a kick. I was SO RELEIVED and I started crying tears of joy. We decided to go to the appointment anyways just to make sure he was ok.
We get to the office and are shown into a room with a daybed. I am told to lay on the daybed and my midwife puts jelly on my belly so she could use a Doppler. She spends several minutes looking for a heart beat. She finally finds one but grabs my wrist to see if it is mine or Little Man's. It's mine!!! I begin to panic all over again.
She then pulls out an old ultrasound machine and we immediately find Little Man on the screen. He is lying on his back perfectly still. I grew concerned. My midwife said "Of course he would be sleeping for this". She tried several more moments to get him to move. Little Man continued to remain still.
My midwife takes the ultrasound machine away, cleans me up and tells us to go to a place that has a better ultrasound machine. It is the same place we went to find out Little Man was a boy and not a girl. We get to the 4-D ultrasound salon and are led into a room with large tv monitors. The technician starts the ultrasound. We see Little Man on the screen just long enough to still see him on his back. The technician immediately turned off the monitors and said "I'm sorry but this pregnancy is a loss."
My world came to a complete stop with those words!!! Although I had known deep inside for 6 days that Little Man was gone, I couldn't believe it was true. I became a lost soul and had know idea where I was, what I was doing and where I was going. All I knew was that My Little Man was gone and he was never coming back. Bear had to guide me out of the office and back to the car. I had to make the phone calls to all the family while Bear drove us back to my midwifes' office to figure out what to do next. That was difficult!!! How do you tell family that their very first grandchild and nephew was gone. How do you tell your in-laws, who had 19 pregnancy losses themselves, that you now have lost a child too? How do you tell your mother, that no everything was not ok and that Little Man was dead? How do you tell your twin sister, who was my biggest support and loved Little Man as much as I did, that he was gone? There just is no way to prepare to deliver that kind of news!!!
At 6:30PM, I felt Little Man give me a tiny kick. I was very aware of every movement from him for the rest of the night because I wanted Star to finally be able to feel Little Man kick. I wished she had been around at 2AM that morning because Little Man acted like he was having a grand party. He was kicking like crazy and doing flips for a good 10 minutes. He had only done that once before, and that had been about 2 weeks before, on the morning we found out IT'S A BOY.
I didn't feel Little Man kick for the rest of the evening. I grew a bit concerned when I didn't feel him as I got ready for bed. He usually gave a few small kicks as I settled for the night. When I didn't feel him kick by 9AM, the following morning, I KNEW something was wrong!!!! I spent HOURS scouring the internet and trying everything I could find to wake Micah up. I called my mid-wife many times in a panic. She gave me more things to try but nothing worked. She finally said he must be hiding for now. I called my Mom in tears. She told me that everything was ok, to stop worrying, to drop the subject because she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I tried telling everyone that something was wrong but the only person who believed me was Star.
With every moment that past my motherly instincts were SCREAMING "Something is wrong with Little Man. DO SOMETHING! Something is wrong with Little Man, PLEASE DO SOMETHING" It never stopped but without the support of women, who I thought were more of an expert then I was (this was my first pregnancy after all), I had no idea what to do.
I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus on a single thing besides the non-stop screaming my motherly instincts were giving off. On the outside, I looked fine and pretended everything was ok. I acted like I excepted the advice of all the 'experts'. On the inside though, I was a complete mess!!! No matter what I did, I couldn't ignore my instincts, but I felt deep guilt that I wasn't doing anything about it.
Finally after 6 days, I couldn't ignore it any longer!!! Even though most everyone was STILL telling me nothin was wrong, I demanded to see my midwife. I went in for a 1:00 PM appointment on Monday, February 3rd 2014. Bear was supposed to have gone to work that day but his car was snowed in and wasn't going anywhere. We drove the 1 hour to my midwife's office. Along the way I SWARE I felt Little Man finally give me a kick. I was SO RELEIVED and I started crying tears of joy. We decided to go to the appointment anyways just to make sure he was ok.
We get to the office and are shown into a room with a daybed. I am told to lay on the daybed and my midwife puts jelly on my belly so she could use a Doppler. She spends several minutes looking for a heart beat. She finally finds one but grabs my wrist to see if it is mine or Little Man's. It's mine!!! I begin to panic all over again.
She then pulls out an old ultrasound machine and we immediately find Little Man on the screen. He is lying on his back perfectly still. I grew concerned. My midwife said "Of course he would be sleeping for this". She tried several more moments to get him to move. Little Man continued to remain still.
My midwife takes the ultrasound machine away, cleans me up and tells us to go to a place that has a better ultrasound machine. It is the same place we went to find out Little Man was a boy and not a girl. We get to the 4-D ultrasound salon and are led into a room with large tv monitors. The technician starts the ultrasound. We see Little Man on the screen just long enough to still see him on his back. The technician immediately turned off the monitors and said "I'm sorry but this pregnancy is a loss."
My world came to a complete stop with those words!!! Although I had known deep inside for 6 days that Little Man was gone, I couldn't believe it was true. I became a lost soul and had know idea where I was, what I was doing and where I was going. All I knew was that My Little Man was gone and he was never coming back. Bear had to guide me out of the office and back to the car. I had to make the phone calls to all the family while Bear drove us back to my midwifes' office to figure out what to do next. That was difficult!!! How do you tell family that their very first grandchild and nephew was gone. How do you tell your in-laws, who had 19 pregnancy losses themselves, that you now have lost a child too? How do you tell your mother, that no everything was not ok and that Little Man was dead? How do you tell your twin sister, who was my biggest support and loved Little Man as much as I did, that he was gone? There just is no way to prepare to deliver that kind of news!!!
Thursday, December 31, 2015
My Story
Hello, I'm Jewel!!! Nice to meet you!!!! I wanted to tell you a little bit about me. I was born and raised in Southern California (Orange County). I have one older brother, J, and a twin sister, Star. Star and I are BEST FRIENDS and INSEPARABLE!!! We lived close to Disneyland and went there several times a month (my first visit was when I was 10 days old :P). I am sure I have been there well over 500 times, but still LOVE it!!! We also lived close to the beach and we would go quite regularly (no, I was not a surfer, just a boogie boarder :P). I also love reading, camping, being out in nature and being with family.
Although I loved doing all of those things, what I wanted most above everything in life, was to be a mom (and Star too)!!! As long as we could remember, the only career we wanted when we grew up was to be a Stay-At-Home-Moms!!! Our life revolved around having kids in the future (after we got married of course). We played with dolls long after most girls stopped playing with them. We had probably well over 100 dolls and we knew each one by name and gave them all different personalities. We loved to pretend we were mothers to our dolls.
We started babysitting when we were 12 and kept busy with regular clients and occasional jobs until we were in our 20's. We loved the children we watched (we called them Our Little Ones). They all were special to us. We enjoyed being with them, caring for them and watching them grow. We longed for the day when we would have children of our own.
When I was 18 years old, I had a very special experience where I got to meet 2 of my future children (I will go in more details in another post). Seeing these 2 children was such a blessing to me. I loved these children above everything and couldn't wait to hold them in my arms. I had many more experiences with these 2 over the years and enjoyed every moment with them. When I was in my late 20's I got to meet 2 more of my future children and loved them with every moment I got to spend with them.
Although I loved these 4 children and knew they would be mine someday, I was getting very discouraged when it came to the part about dating and marriage. I was 29 years old before I had my very first official date. It was with a guy I had been acquaintances with for several years through church. Our church Young Single Adult group had a girl ask guy dance and I asked him if he would like to go with me. He said yes and we had a great time. We went out quite a few more times over the next 2 years but nothing developed beyond friendship.
I joined 4 on-line dating sites and was on them regularly sending out messages and flirts to guys I liked. I heard back from a few guys but within minutes of messaging them, they became inappropriate (wanting to talk about sex) and I stopped talking to them after many warnings to stop talking about that subject.
One month after my 32nd birthday I had what I call a 'mid-singles meltdown'. I couldn't stand to be single for one single second longer. I wanted, I NEEDED to get married NOW!!! I wanted, I NEEDED those 4 children NOW!!! I got up at 8AM that morning and spent the next 18 hours on the 4 dating sites sending messages, flirts and emails to every single guy that had any qualities I liked. My standards were pretty low that day. As long as they were older then 25 and younger then 40 and had a decent paying job, they got a message from me. I estimated I sent messages close to (or over) 500 guys.
As I was sending messages out, I kept a prayer in my heart that went something like this "God, please allow at least one appropriate guy to answer my messages. I don't need a bunch of them and he doesn't have to be THE ONE. I just need at least one guy who will respect me and talk to me" I checked my in-boxes regularly to see if I received any messages back but my in-boxes remained empty.I sent my last message at around 2AM the following morning and checked my in-boxes one last time. My in-boxes were still empty but I felt at peace that my inboxes would be over flowing with messages later in the day and that more would be coming in over the next few days.
I went to bed and when I work up again, I checked my inboxes and there was 1 single response. The message was from a kib828. He responded to my message (that I sent him at around 9:30 PM the night before) with Hello! How are you?. I looked back at his profile and saw that he was a computer nerd but seemed nice. I sent another message to him and our relationship took off. I still kept checking the in-boxes for responses from other guys but the only messages I every received was from kib828.
I found out his name was Bear and he lived in the mid-west. He was a computer programmer and was just 11 months younger then me. I also discovered he was a HUGE avid reader and was SUPER smart. We got to know each other quite a bit through messages and over the phone. In May 2012 (just 2 months since we started talking), Bear flew out to California to meet me and my family. He spent 4 days with me and we had a great time going whale watching, going to a dinner theater, going to Disneyland and Sea World. While at Disneyland, he proposed and I said yes. We set a date of September 8, 2012 to be married to coincide on the 6th month mark of me sending the first message. In July of 2012, I flew out to see him and meet his family. I spent a week there and grew to love it there, his family and most of all Bear. After we married, I moved to where Bear lived and my in-laws dragged Star along.too.
We have now been married 31/2 years and have had many trials including losing our 4 children. Although we have endured much, we are still together and have faith we will have children in our arms someday.
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