A woman on one of my support groups, wrote prompts for a 30-day challenge. She wrote prompts appropriate for miscarriage, stillbirth and neonatal loss and encouraged us to really put an effort into doing this challenge. I will answer the prompts for Stillbirth and miscarriage for my 4 Angels.
Stillbirth Day #1
My favorite clothing item that we bought for you?
Dear Little Man,
Your Papa Bear is a very practical and minimalist person. He only gets things if we have a need for it in that moment. I was over 22 weeks pregnant with you and we still hadn't boughten a single thing to prepare for your arrival. When I was 22w5d I finally convinced him to go with your Aunt Star and I to look (NOT BUY) at cribs, car seats, strollers etc. Tragically it was during that outing that I last felt you kick, the night I lost you.
We did however receive a few outfits from other family members for you. My Aunt B sent you a Los Angeles Angels (my FAVORITE baseball team) shirt and shorts. I couldn't wait to put it on you. Your Uncle J sent you your first Disneyland shirt. He couldn't wait to share with you his love of Disney (and trains). Your Grandpa and Grandma B gave you a very simple but special outfit that they got for your Papa Bear for a special occasion. Also with that outfit, was a blanket that was made by your Papa Bears' Great-Grandmother for your Grandpa B for the same occasion.
My favorite outfit though was made by your Grandma B and Aunt K1. When I found out that you had passed away, I asked your Grandma B to sew you an outfit you could be buried/cremated in. Your Grandma B and Aunt K1 made a BEAUTIFUL, TINY kimono gown that opened in the front. The gown it's self was white but they knitted or crocheted beautiful blue trim around it and ties They also made a matching blanket with a hand-sewn teddy bear on it. They brought it to the hospital and I was in complete awe about how beautiful and perfect it was for you. Luckily the hospital provided another outfit for you so I could keep the one Grandma B and Aunt K1 made. I couldn't bear to let that outfit and blanket go. The blanket is used now to shroud your 'urn' and the gown is safe with the rest of your and your siblings keepsakes.
Day #1 Miscarriage
When I first found out I was pregnant with you, my reaction was...
Dear Rain,
Words could not describe how happy, ecstatic, joyful, etc both your Papa Bear and I felt when we found out about your arrival. We had just lost Little Man just 3 months before. Our lives were in the deepest, coldest, loneliest, darkness anyone could ever be in. Our world was turned upside down and was at a complete stop. We were lost and we just wanted Little Man back.
It was in the wee hours of Mother's Day 2014 (May 11, 2014) when I took the test. Papa Bear and I were on a min-vacation, a chance to be away from home and get my mind off that most dreaded holiday. Mother's Day was just a huge painful reminder of what I had lost with the passing of Little Man.
When I got the positive on the pregnancy test, our world was getting bright again. You were to be our Rainbow Baby (a baby born after a Loss). Just like a rainbow after a storm, for the 10 short days you were with us, you brought beauty, light, hope, peace and promise into our lives.
Dear Monkey,
Just as with Rain, when Daddy and I found out about your arrival, we were once again beyond words for how happy we were. Little Man and Rain had been gone for over a year when we found out about you, but we were still missing them beyond words. You once again brought light, peace, hope, and beauty into our lives. We loved, wanted and needed you so much!!! We wished we didn't have to say goodbye to you too.
Dear Cub,
I had lost Monkey the night before we found out about you. I kept her tiny body from having a 'water birth' in the bathroom. Papa Bear and I cried as we held her tiny body (about the size of a raspberry). I went to the doctor the next to get an ultrasound to make sure everything was ok. As the technician moved the wand over my belly, we both saw a tiny gummy bear shape. That gummy bear was you!!! I was SOOOO HAPPY that I was pregnant with twins!!! Maybe you would make it and we would have a miracle baby. The technician said she thought she saw your tiny heart beating. I was beyond happy to be given that hope that you were alright.
The technician printed off a few pictures and sent me to my doctors office so the doctor could confirm that you were ok. When I got to the office, the kind doctor and a kind nurse took me into a room and told me again the devastating news that yes, the gummy bear shape was in fact you, but that your heart had stopped. I burst into tears as the nurse held me. I told them to please tell me they were lying, that you weren't gone too. I only had the hope of you for just a few minutes and then you were gone. I have no words to describe the agony I felt when I learned you were gone.
No comments:
Post a Comment