HAPPY 2nd Angelversary Monkey & Cub

HAPPY 2ND ANGELVERSARY MONKEY & CUB!!!!  MOMMY & DADDY LOVE AND MISS YOU AND YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER BEYOND ANY WORDS!!!!  WHEREVER THEY ARE, OUR LOVE WILL FIND THEM!!!!


It was 2 years ago this evening that I had the heartbreaking sight of seeing tiny Monkey's body.  I was 7weeks6days and I had already been bleeding heavily since the beginning of the 5th week.  When I saw Monkey, I began shouting for Bear and showed him when I had found.  I begged him to please not tell me it's not our baby.  He looked carefully and we agreed it was our Monkey.  We could see 2 tiny specks the future eyes.  We saw 4 tiny stubs waiting to develop into limbs.  We saw a tiny stub for the future tail bone and spine.  She was so perfect.  There was nothing wrong with her.

I remember apologizing to Bear over and over again telling him how sorry I was for losing all our babies and how sorry I was that I couldn't stay pregnant.  I kepts begging him to please forgive me.  At the time I didn't know about my septate uterus or my PCOS.


The next morning, I went to my OBGYN and had an ultrasound to make sure my miscarriage was going ok (as if any miscarriage is ok).  That is when I found out about Cub.  The ultrasound technician told me she saw another baby on the screen and she thought she detected a heart-beat.  I was SO relived that hopefully we would finally be able to keep a baby.  I called Daddy and Aunt Star and told them about the great news!!!  They both were SOOOO HAPPY!!!!

After the ultrasound, I went back to my OBGYN.  He took me into a room with a nurse.  He sat me down and told me that yes there was a baby still inside me BUT there was no heartbeat for this baby either.  I was CRUSHED!!!!  I couldn't believe my world was in shambles yet again.  WHY DID I KEEP LOSING OUR BABIES??????


I called Bear and Star again and told them the tragic news.  They were devastated as well.

Since I had been bleeding for so long already,  I decided to take Cytotec to speed up the miscarriage process.  I bled even more AND I had 4 hours (2, 2 hour sessions) of unimaginable pain.  I truly felt like I was in labor again as I had been with Little Man.  All I wanted to do was roll around on the floor and sob, the pain (both the physical and emotional) was too heavy to bear.  Sadly I was bleeding way to much to do anything but sit and rock.


I would give everything to have you 4 in our arms!!!!  You will never understand how much we love and miss you!!!!