2 years ago today marks the 2nd Anniversary that I felt Little Man kick for the last time. It might seem like such an unusual thing to remember but memories are all I have of him. I really don't have a past with him. I don't have a present with him and, in this life, I don't have a future with him. These memories are all I have and get to have with him.
I was 22weeks5days along. Star, Bear and I had been out baby window shopping ALL DAY!!! We looked at car seats, cribs, clothing, baby furniture and many other things. It was 6:30PM and we were enjoying the furniture section of the last store and talking about all we had seen that day. I felt Little Man give a tiny kick and got so excited and told Star and Bear about it. I had been feeling Little Man kick for several weeks now, but Star hadn't had the opportunity to feel him yet. I was hoping Little Mas would kick a little bit harder so Star would finally be able to feel him. I wanted SO MUCH for him to have another kicking frenzy, like he had earlier that morning and the morning of his anatomy scan. It was not to be though. I would never feel Little Man kicks ever again. Here is a poem I wrote a few weeks after Little Man was born still.
You Fluttered Away
Where did you go and take your butterfly flutters?
Kicks, jabs and movement that are felt by mothers.
It's your way of saying hello and you're alright.
I treasured the feeling of them both day and night.
One evening it came to a sorrowful end.
The flutters ceased and I still can not comprehend.
I was filled with such worry when you were so still
With the words "This pregnancy is a loss" I lost all my will.
You fluttered away without reason or goodbye.
Now all I want to do is be alone and cry.
My heart is broken, I just want to be with you.
I wake up each morning and pray this is not true.
I still have a hole in my heart where you still are.
Others say you are close by but you feel so far.
Now I sing your lullabies to the stars and the moon
Sweet songs full of "I love you" and "I'll hold you soon".
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
Insurance has approved the surgery, but...
I heard back from my fertility doctor today (well his nurse). She said that the insurance company has approved the surgery. I just have to pay almost $400 to cover the deductible in order to schedule the surgery. She said the almost $400 does not include what we will have to pay for the hospital. It just covers this doctor.
I don't know what is going to happen. I told Bear about it but he hasn't responded. He has a migraine today. I guess I will have to talk to him later about what he wants to do.
Maybe it would just be cheaper to adopt?????
I don't know what is going to happen. I told Bear about it but he hasn't responded. He has a migraine today. I guess I will have to talk to him later about what he wants to do.
Maybe it would just be cheaper to adopt?????
Rain's 1st Birthday
Yesterday was Rain's 'should-have-been 1st Birthday' (her due date was 1 year ago yesterday). I picked strawberry for her birthday cake with white frosting. Bear wanted Beef Stroganoff for dinner. Star made the cake while I went to get groceries for the dinner. The cake was stubborn and came out in pieces. When I got back with groceries, Star had to go out and get another cake mix. That cake came out perfect and so did dinner.
I thought that Rain needed something else besides just a cake and dinner, so I tried making her a card. Nothing felt right though so I quite trying. I also wanted to get her a book but Bear said that we already had PLENTY of books for us to read to the kids. He is right, we do have A LOT of books. I just felt that as a Mom, I should by our kids presents and birthday cards. I should celebrate their special days. I should go all out to show how much I love them, like all parents do!!!!
But what do you get for an Angel???? No matter what you get for them, they can't use it. You can't buy them toys because they will never be able to play with them. You can't buy books because they will never read them. You can't buy clothes because they will never wear them. You can't give them food because they can't eat.
The holidays and their special days really remind you how empty you are and what you lost with their leaving!!!! Birthday's should be moments of celebration, laughter, family, presents, music, food, fun. When you are celebrating one for an Angel though, there really is nothing. There are no visits or phone calls from family members, no opening of presents, no opening of birthday cards, no balloons, no blowing out the candles. NO NOTHING!!!! No matter how special you try to make it, no matter how special you want it to be, the birthday Angel is not there with you and it just feels empty!!!!
I thought that Rain needed something else besides just a cake and dinner, so I tried making her a card. Nothing felt right though so I quite trying. I also wanted to get her a book but Bear said that we already had PLENTY of books for us to read to the kids. He is right, we do have A LOT of books. I just felt that as a Mom, I should by our kids presents and birthday cards. I should celebrate their special days. I should go all out to show how much I love them, like all parents do!!!!
But what do you get for an Angel???? No matter what you get for them, they can't use it. You can't buy them toys because they will never be able to play with them. You can't buy books because they will never read them. You can't buy clothes because they will never wear them. You can't give them food because they can't eat.
The holidays and their special days really remind you how empty you are and what you lost with their leaving!!!! Birthday's should be moments of celebration, laughter, family, presents, music, food, fun. When you are celebrating one for an Angel though, there really is nothing. There are no visits or phone calls from family members, no opening of presents, no opening of birthday cards, no balloons, no blowing out the candles. NO NOTHING!!!! No matter how special you try to make it, no matter how special you want it to be, the birthday Angel is not there with you and it just feels empty!!!!
HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY RAIN!!!!!
Dearest Daughter!!!! HAPPY (late) 1ST BIRTHDAY RAIN!!!! Yesterday should have been your 1st Birthday!!!! I still wished you were here to celebrate it with us!!!! We all love and miss you so much!!!! I remember seeing you for the first time in a vision I had many years ago. It was in the same vision I met Micah. You were asleep in my arms and looked so peaceful. I was in awe of how beautiful you were. I fell instantly in love with you and I longed for the day when I could hold you in my arms.
I remember you in another vision I had the day before I lost you. I remember you being so beautiful again. You were so tiny. I remember the long white lace and eyelet dress you were wearing. I remember the bright, warm light that surrounded you. I remember thinking I didn't think that I could give birth to a literal angel. I was once again in awe of how beautiful and special you were. I didn't want to ever let you go.
Tragically, you left us just 2 days later. I was devastated!!!! We just lost Little Man 31/2 months before. I couldn't believe, didn't WANT to believe that we had lost you too. For 10 glorious days YOU were our light, hope, peace, promise and beauty that pulled us away from the darkness and storms we had been in for what felt like an eternity. We needed and wanted you above everything!!! But you left just as softly and quickly as you came. You were a part of me just long enough to say hello and then goodbye.
I want you to know that even though you were here for just a moment, I will love, want, miss and remember you for every moment for the rest of my life!!!! I long for the day when I can be your mother again on the other side of the veil. I know you will always be our daughter and we will be together again and we will be able to raise you in the next life. Daddy and I vow that we will live worthy to have you and your siblings back again.
I hope you are proud with who we have become!!! I am trying to be a mother you would be proud of. I try to be happy. I try to move on and overcome losing you 4. I try to not let my aching heart and empty arms to define who I am. I try to not think about you 4 every second of my life. I try to be a strong person and show the world this won't shatter me. I do my best to lift others and bring them comfort and support when they are dealing with a loss. I do my best to remain faithful and trusting the Heavenly Father has a reason and a plan. I do my best to cling to Christ and know that He will not fail me, that He KNOWS what I feel and is ALWAYS by my side.
Sometimes though, it is difficult. Sometimes my heart hurts to much and my arms are too empty. I just want you 4 back!!!! I know you are right beside us. I feel you around me. I feel your touch. I see glimpses of you through my spiritual eyes. I hear your voices with my spiritual ears. I KNOW you have never left us. I just ache to hold you again. And once again I promise to live worthy to be your Mommy for Eternity!!!!!
I love you to heaven and back!!!! Love, Mommy!!!!!
I remember you in another vision I had the day before I lost you. I remember you being so beautiful again. You were so tiny. I remember the long white lace and eyelet dress you were wearing. I remember the bright, warm light that surrounded you. I remember thinking I didn't think that I could give birth to a literal angel. I was once again in awe of how beautiful and special you were. I didn't want to ever let you go.
Tragically, you left us just 2 days later. I was devastated!!!! We just lost Little Man 31/2 months before. I couldn't believe, didn't WANT to believe that we had lost you too. For 10 glorious days YOU were our light, hope, peace, promise and beauty that pulled us away from the darkness and storms we had been in for what felt like an eternity. We needed and wanted you above everything!!! But you left just as softly and quickly as you came. You were a part of me just long enough to say hello and then goodbye.
I want you to know that even though you were here for just a moment, I will love, want, miss and remember you for every moment for the rest of my life!!!! I long for the day when I can be your mother again on the other side of the veil. I know you will always be our daughter and we will be together again and we will be able to raise you in the next life. Daddy and I vow that we will live worthy to have you and your siblings back again.
I hope you are proud with who we have become!!! I am trying to be a mother you would be proud of. I try to be happy. I try to move on and overcome losing you 4. I try to not let my aching heart and empty arms to define who I am. I try to not think about you 4 every second of my life. I try to be a strong person and show the world this won't shatter me. I do my best to lift others and bring them comfort and support when they are dealing with a loss. I do my best to remain faithful and trusting the Heavenly Father has a reason and a plan. I do my best to cling to Christ and know that He will not fail me, that He KNOWS what I feel and is ALWAYS by my side.
Sometimes though, it is difficult. Sometimes my heart hurts to much and my arms are too empty. I just want you 4 back!!!! I know you are right beside us. I feel you around me. I feel your touch. I see glimpses of you through my spiritual eyes. I hear your voices with my spiritual ears. I KNOW you have never left us. I just ache to hold you again. And once again I promise to live worthy to be your Mommy for Eternity!!!!!
I love you to heaven and back!!!! Love, Mommy!!!!!
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
MRI
I was finally able to do the MRI to see what uterin deformity I have. The doctor thinks I either have a septate uterus or a bicornuate uterus. A septate uterus means that there is a thick wall of bloodless tissue dividing an otherwise normal uterus. This causes pregnancy loss if the baby attaches to the wall, the baby won't receive the blood and nutrients it needs to survive and grow. It causes late loss because the baby has 1/2 the room to grow as it normally would have. This defect can be fixed with a simple non-invasive surgery. Once the woman has the surgery, she is able conceive and carry a baby without any more problems.
A bicornuate, is when the uterus it's self is divided into 2 parts. It is in the shape of a heart and each horn/corn is a separate uterus. This causes the same reasons for losses as the septate uterus. Unfortunately the way to fix this defect is much harder, more invasive and less of a success rate as the septate uterus.
I hope I NEVER have to do another MRI again!!!! It was awful!!! Bear said that an MRI is like a can of soup: the machine is the can and you are the soup. When it was time for me to take the MRI, I asked how long it would take. The nurse said about 30 minutes. I thought OK I can do this. I get on the 'bed' and lay flat on my back. and the bed lifts up to go into the MRI machine. I usually a not claustrophobic but I sure had a bit of claustrophobia for my MRI. The hole is so little that I had to fit through. While laying on my back I had cross my arms over my chest. I could touch the roof of the inside of the machine just by raising my pointer finger. That's how close the roof was to my crossed arms over my chest.
My back started hurting within a few minutes and I couldn't shift much to relieve the pain. My back continued to hurt worse and worse with each minute. I tried my best to get comfortable but nothing worked.
After what seems like hours, the nurse stops the machine and rolls me out. I was SOOO HAPPY to be out of there!!!! I start to sit up and she tells me I can't get up yet, she was just there to give me a shot for the contrast portion of the MRI. I was crushed.!!! I couldn't believe I had to spend more time in the machine. The nurse gives me the shot and reels me back in. I spend another 10-15 minutes in the MRI and I about lose it. I finally am reeled out for good this time and learn that the MRI took well over 1 hour. I was so shocked about how long it was and not surprised why my back was in agony. My back was so stiff and sore, I had big problems walking and standing up right for about 15 minutes.
Like I said in the beginning, I hope I NEVER have to have another MRI again!!!!
A bicornuate, is when the uterus it's self is divided into 2 parts. It is in the shape of a heart and each horn/corn is a separate uterus. This causes the same reasons for losses as the septate uterus. Unfortunately the way to fix this defect is much harder, more invasive and less of a success rate as the septate uterus.
I hope I NEVER have to do another MRI again!!!! It was awful!!! Bear said that an MRI is like a can of soup: the machine is the can and you are the soup. When it was time for me to take the MRI, I asked how long it would take. The nurse said about 30 minutes. I thought OK I can do this. I get on the 'bed' and lay flat on my back. and the bed lifts up to go into the MRI machine. I usually a not claustrophobic but I sure had a bit of claustrophobia for my MRI. The hole is so little that I had to fit through. While laying on my back I had cross my arms over my chest. I could touch the roof of the inside of the machine just by raising my pointer finger. That's how close the roof was to my crossed arms over my chest.
My back started hurting within a few minutes and I couldn't shift much to relieve the pain. My back continued to hurt worse and worse with each minute. I tried my best to get comfortable but nothing worked.
After what seems like hours, the nurse stops the machine and rolls me out. I was SOOO HAPPY to be out of there!!!! I start to sit up and she tells me I can't get up yet, she was just there to give me a shot for the contrast portion of the MRI. I was crushed.!!! I couldn't believe I had to spend more time in the machine. The nurse gives me the shot and reels me back in. I spend another 10-15 minutes in the MRI and I about lose it. I finally am reeled out for good this time and learn that the MRI took well over 1 hour. I was so shocked about how long it was and not surprised why my back was in agony. My back was so stiff and sore, I had big problems walking and standing up right for about 15 minutes.
Like I said in the beginning, I hope I NEVER have to have another MRI again!!!!
I Finally Have Answers
After I lost Monkey and Cub, my doctor did an ultrasound and discovered that I had a uterine deformity. He wasn't for sure which one so he wanted me to get an MRI. He said it was either a septate uterus or a bicornuate uterus. A septate uterus is a normal uterus but has a wall of thick, bloodless tissue running down the middle of it, dividing it into 2 parts. The reason a septate uterus causes pregnancy loss is because if the baby attaches to the wall, the baby does not get the blood supply and nutriments needed to survive and grow. If the baby does not attach to the wall but to the uterus, once the baby gets to be a certain size, the baby has no room to grow since the uterus is only half it's normal size. This causes early pre-term labor and other complications. This deformity can easily be fixed with a simple, non-invasive surgery. Once a woman has the surgery, she can get pregnant and stay pregnant without any more problems.
A bicornuate uterus, is one that the uterus, it's self is divided into two parts. It is shaped like a heart and each of the two horns/corns is a separate uterus. This causes loss for the same reasons the septate uterus does. Unfortunately, although this can be fixed with surgery, it is more invasive and less of a success rate as the septate surgery.
I had the MRI on Monday and heard back from the doctor today. The MRI confirmed that I have a SEPTATE UTERUS!!! YAY!!!! I CAN HAVE SURGERY SOON AND GET BACK TO TTC!!! My doctor is waiting to hear back from my insurance company so we can schedule a date and time for the surgery.
A bicornuate uterus, is one that the uterus, it's self is divided into two parts. It is shaped like a heart and each of the two horns/corns is a separate uterus. This causes loss for the same reasons the septate uterus does. Unfortunately, although this can be fixed with surgery, it is more invasive and less of a success rate as the septate surgery.
I had the MRI on Monday and heard back from the doctor today. The MRI confirmed that I have a SEPTATE UTERUS!!! YAY!!!! I CAN HAVE SURGERY SOON AND GET BACK TO TTC!!! My doctor is waiting to hear back from my insurance company so we can schedule a date and time for the surgery.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Why does being an Angel Mother still define who I am???
In 4 weeks from today, we celebrate Little Man's 2nd Angelversary. It is hard to believe it has been 2 years since he left us. Sometimes it feels like the 2 years has flown by. Other times, it feels like he has been gone forever. I think about my journey of the past 2 years and how my life has changed and most importantly how I have changed.
I wonder if our children would be proud of me? It feels like I think of them way too often and still miss them way too much. My life revolves around me being a mother to 4 Angels. If someone were to ask me what is the one thing that is defining you right now, I know I would say being a mother to 4 children I never got to hold. I KNOW I am more then that, but it is just so hard to see past the aching in my heart and the emptiness of my arms.
I am happy. I have moved past the tears stage where I just want to cry and do all I can to get my children back. I am past the depressed 'I want to hide' stage. I have dealt and overcome the painful 'I can't be around pregnant women and babies and children' (I do have to admit I still have moments when it hurts to be around them). I can think about all my children and smile. Why then, can't I move past that I lost my children???? Why does being an Angel mother still define who I am????
I wonder if our children would be proud of me? It feels like I think of them way too often and still miss them way too much. My life revolves around me being a mother to 4 Angels. If someone were to ask me what is the one thing that is defining you right now, I know I would say being a mother to 4 children I never got to hold. I KNOW I am more then that, but it is just so hard to see past the aching in my heart and the emptiness of my arms.
I am happy. I have moved past the tears stage where I just want to cry and do all I can to get my children back. I am past the depressed 'I want to hide' stage. I have dealt and overcome the painful 'I can't be around pregnant women and babies and children' (I do have to admit I still have moments when it hurts to be around them). I can think about all my children and smile. Why then, can't I move past that I lost my children???? Why does being an Angel mother still define who I am????
Monday, January 4, 2016
Our Options: Natural or Cytotec
After it was confirmed we had lost Little Man, my midwife gave us two options for what we could do next. Our first option was to go to the hospital and be induced and have Little Man within a few days. The other option was to allow nature to take it's course and allow Little Man to come naturally. If we allowed him to come naturally, it could take up to several weeks for him to come. My midwife had a stillborn daughter a few years before and she chose to go naturally. It took 4 weeks for her daughter to come.
Since it had been a REALLY harsh winter already (-35 degrees F the weekend before) and several record breaking blizzards hitting within the next few days, Bear and I decided I would be induced. My midwife sent us home and said she would contact us when she was able to get ahold of the doctor at the hospital. The doctor called us the next morning (Tuesday February 4, 2014) at 10AM and told us to be at the hospital by 1PM that afternoon.
Bear and I arrive at 1:45 and get checked into the hospital. The doctor arrives at 4PM and I get started on cytotec. I am given 50mg for the first dose. 4 hours later I am given 100mg and 4 hours later (and for the rest of my doses) I am given 200mg. The doctor warned that "with this situation don't be surprised if it takes a very long time for things to start and then once it starts, it will happen super fast."
I am given a dose every 4 hours. I am also checked for dilation at every dose. For my first dose, I am 0cm dilated. For my next dose I measured 1cm. Contractions start at 9PM Wednesday night (so about 29 hours after I was given my first dose). I continued to get 200mg cytotec and checked every 4 hours, My contractions become tear inducing pain at 2AM Thursday morning. By 5AM I want to scream and 8AM I want to die.
I, and the nurse, was completely surprised that at my 6AM check I was still only at 1cm dilated. When my pain became 'I want to die' I convinced the nurse to check me again. She first timed my contractions at 8:30AM and discovered that they were around 90 seconds apart and lasting for over 1 minute. She was shocked and quickly checked me. After checking me, she ran out of the room calling for the intern. He checked me and he affirmed that I was 10cm and was ready to push.
I started pushing at 9AM and Little Man was born at 9:56AM on Thursday February 6, 2014 weighing 1lb 4.6oz and was 12 inches long.
So for a timeline of my experience with Cytotec: It took 29 hours for contractions to start. I was in labor for another 9-11 hours before I started dilating. I went from a 1cm dilation at my 6AM check to being a full 10cm by 8:30AM. I pushed for 1 hour.
Since it had been a REALLY harsh winter already (-35 degrees F the weekend before) and several record breaking blizzards hitting within the next few days, Bear and I decided I would be induced. My midwife sent us home and said she would contact us when she was able to get ahold of the doctor at the hospital. The doctor called us the next morning (Tuesday February 4, 2014) at 10AM and told us to be at the hospital by 1PM that afternoon.
Bear and I arrive at 1:45 and get checked into the hospital. The doctor arrives at 4PM and I get started on cytotec. I am given 50mg for the first dose. 4 hours later I am given 100mg and 4 hours later (and for the rest of my doses) I am given 200mg. The doctor warned that "with this situation don't be surprised if it takes a very long time for things to start and then once it starts, it will happen super fast."
I am given a dose every 4 hours. I am also checked for dilation at every dose. For my first dose, I am 0cm dilated. For my next dose I measured 1cm. Contractions start at 9PM Wednesday night (so about 29 hours after I was given my first dose). I continued to get 200mg cytotec and checked every 4 hours, My contractions become tear inducing pain at 2AM Thursday morning. By 5AM I want to scream and 8AM I want to die.
I, and the nurse, was completely surprised that at my 6AM check I was still only at 1cm dilated. When my pain became 'I want to die' I convinced the nurse to check me again. She first timed my contractions at 8:30AM and discovered that they were around 90 seconds apart and lasting for over 1 minute. She was shocked and quickly checked me. After checking me, she ran out of the room calling for the intern. He checked me and he affirmed that I was 10cm and was ready to push.
I started pushing at 9AM and Little Man was born at 9:56AM on Thursday February 6, 2014 weighing 1lb 4.6oz and was 12 inches long.
So for a timeline of my experience with Cytotec: It took 29 hours for contractions to start. I was in labor for another 9-11 hours before I started dilating. I went from a 1cm dilation at my 6AM check to being a full 10cm by 8:30AM. I pushed for 1 hour.
Losing Little Man
On Tuesday January 29, 2014, at 6:30 PM, my nightmare began!!!! I was 22weeks5days that day and, Bear, Star and I spent all day out looking for baby items we would need for Little Man. We went to many stores looking at car seats, cribs, strollers, dressers, clothes etc. We were all enjoying the couch and recliner section of the last store of the day.
At 6:30PM, I felt Little Man give me a tiny kick. I was very aware of every movement from him for the rest of the night because I wanted Star to finally be able to feel Little Man kick. I wished she had been around at 2AM that morning because Little Man acted like he was having a grand party. He was kicking like crazy and doing flips for a good 10 minutes. He had only done that once before, and that had been about 2 weeks before, on the morning we found out IT'S A BOY.
I didn't feel Little Man kick for the rest of the evening. I grew a bit concerned when I didn't feel him as I got ready for bed. He usually gave a few small kicks as I settled for the night. When I didn't feel him kick by 9AM, the following morning, I KNEW something was wrong!!!! I spent HOURS scouring the internet and trying everything I could find to wake Micah up. I called my mid-wife many times in a panic. She gave me more things to try but nothing worked. She finally said he must be hiding for now. I called my Mom in tears. She told me that everything was ok, to stop worrying, to drop the subject because she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I tried telling everyone that something was wrong but the only person who believed me was Star.
With every moment that past my motherly instincts were SCREAMING "Something is wrong with Little Man. DO SOMETHING! Something is wrong with Little Man, PLEASE DO SOMETHING" It never stopped but without the support of women, who I thought were more of an expert then I was (this was my first pregnancy after all), I had no idea what to do.
I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus on a single thing besides the non-stop screaming my motherly instincts were giving off. On the outside, I looked fine and pretended everything was ok. I acted like I excepted the advice of all the 'experts'. On the inside though, I was a complete mess!!! No matter what I did, I couldn't ignore my instincts, but I felt deep guilt that I wasn't doing anything about it.
Finally after 6 days, I couldn't ignore it any longer!!! Even though most everyone was STILL telling me nothin was wrong, I demanded to see my midwife. I went in for a 1:00 PM appointment on Monday, February 3rd 2014. Bear was supposed to have gone to work that day but his car was snowed in and wasn't going anywhere. We drove the 1 hour to my midwife's office. Along the way I SWARE I felt Little Man finally give me a kick. I was SO RELEIVED and I started crying tears of joy. We decided to go to the appointment anyways just to make sure he was ok.
We get to the office and are shown into a room with a daybed. I am told to lay on the daybed and my midwife puts jelly on my belly so she could use a Doppler. She spends several minutes looking for a heart beat. She finally finds one but grabs my wrist to see if it is mine or Little Man's. It's mine!!! I begin to panic all over again.
She then pulls out an old ultrasound machine and we immediately find Little Man on the screen. He is lying on his back perfectly still. I grew concerned. My midwife said "Of course he would be sleeping for this". She tried several more moments to get him to move. Little Man continued to remain still.
My midwife takes the ultrasound machine away, cleans me up and tells us to go to a place that has a better ultrasound machine. It is the same place we went to find out Little Man was a boy and not a girl. We get to the 4-D ultrasound salon and are led into a room with large tv monitors. The technician starts the ultrasound. We see Little Man on the screen just long enough to still see him on his back. The technician immediately turned off the monitors and said "I'm sorry but this pregnancy is a loss."
My world came to a complete stop with those words!!! Although I had known deep inside for 6 days that Little Man was gone, I couldn't believe it was true. I became a lost soul and had know idea where I was, what I was doing and where I was going. All I knew was that My Little Man was gone and he was never coming back. Bear had to guide me out of the office and back to the car. I had to make the phone calls to all the family while Bear drove us back to my midwifes' office to figure out what to do next. That was difficult!!! How do you tell family that their very first grandchild and nephew was gone. How do you tell your in-laws, who had 19 pregnancy losses themselves, that you now have lost a child too? How do you tell your mother, that no everything was not ok and that Little Man was dead? How do you tell your twin sister, who was my biggest support and loved Little Man as much as I did, that he was gone? There just is no way to prepare to deliver that kind of news!!!
At 6:30PM, I felt Little Man give me a tiny kick. I was very aware of every movement from him for the rest of the night because I wanted Star to finally be able to feel Little Man kick. I wished she had been around at 2AM that morning because Little Man acted like he was having a grand party. He was kicking like crazy and doing flips for a good 10 minutes. He had only done that once before, and that had been about 2 weeks before, on the morning we found out IT'S A BOY.
I didn't feel Little Man kick for the rest of the evening. I grew a bit concerned when I didn't feel him as I got ready for bed. He usually gave a few small kicks as I settled for the night. When I didn't feel him kick by 9AM, the following morning, I KNEW something was wrong!!!! I spent HOURS scouring the internet and trying everything I could find to wake Micah up. I called my mid-wife many times in a panic. She gave me more things to try but nothing worked. She finally said he must be hiding for now. I called my Mom in tears. She told me that everything was ok, to stop worrying, to drop the subject because she didn't want to talk about it anymore. I tried telling everyone that something was wrong but the only person who believed me was Star.
With every moment that past my motherly instincts were SCREAMING "Something is wrong with Little Man. DO SOMETHING! Something is wrong with Little Man, PLEASE DO SOMETHING" It never stopped but without the support of women, who I thought were more of an expert then I was (this was my first pregnancy after all), I had no idea what to do.
I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't focus on a single thing besides the non-stop screaming my motherly instincts were giving off. On the outside, I looked fine and pretended everything was ok. I acted like I excepted the advice of all the 'experts'. On the inside though, I was a complete mess!!! No matter what I did, I couldn't ignore my instincts, but I felt deep guilt that I wasn't doing anything about it.
Finally after 6 days, I couldn't ignore it any longer!!! Even though most everyone was STILL telling me nothin was wrong, I demanded to see my midwife. I went in for a 1:00 PM appointment on Monday, February 3rd 2014. Bear was supposed to have gone to work that day but his car was snowed in and wasn't going anywhere. We drove the 1 hour to my midwife's office. Along the way I SWARE I felt Little Man finally give me a kick. I was SO RELEIVED and I started crying tears of joy. We decided to go to the appointment anyways just to make sure he was ok.
We get to the office and are shown into a room with a daybed. I am told to lay on the daybed and my midwife puts jelly on my belly so she could use a Doppler. She spends several minutes looking for a heart beat. She finally finds one but grabs my wrist to see if it is mine or Little Man's. It's mine!!! I begin to panic all over again.
She then pulls out an old ultrasound machine and we immediately find Little Man on the screen. He is lying on his back perfectly still. I grew concerned. My midwife said "Of course he would be sleeping for this". She tried several more moments to get him to move. Little Man continued to remain still.
My midwife takes the ultrasound machine away, cleans me up and tells us to go to a place that has a better ultrasound machine. It is the same place we went to find out Little Man was a boy and not a girl. We get to the 4-D ultrasound salon and are led into a room with large tv monitors. The technician starts the ultrasound. We see Little Man on the screen just long enough to still see him on his back. The technician immediately turned off the monitors and said "I'm sorry but this pregnancy is a loss."
My world came to a complete stop with those words!!! Although I had known deep inside for 6 days that Little Man was gone, I couldn't believe it was true. I became a lost soul and had know idea where I was, what I was doing and where I was going. All I knew was that My Little Man was gone and he was never coming back. Bear had to guide me out of the office and back to the car. I had to make the phone calls to all the family while Bear drove us back to my midwifes' office to figure out what to do next. That was difficult!!! How do you tell family that their very first grandchild and nephew was gone. How do you tell your in-laws, who had 19 pregnancy losses themselves, that you now have lost a child too? How do you tell your mother, that no everything was not ok and that Little Man was dead? How do you tell your twin sister, who was my biggest support and loved Little Man as much as I did, that he was gone? There just is no way to prepare to deliver that kind of news!!!
Friday, January 1, 2016
Meeting Little Man and Rain
As I said in the previous post (My Story), all I have ever wanted in life is to be a mother. I have been waiting, longing, praying and aching to be a mother since I was 4 years old. I did all I could to lessen the aching by playing with dolls, doing lot's of babysitting and spending every second I could with my 2 nieces. All of these things helped, but the moment the activity ended, my aching would just be louder and the emptiness in my arms grew heavier. It physically hurt to not have children of my own.
When I was around 20 years old, I was sitting in church one Sunday, when my spiritual eyes noticed a little boy crawling around the bench beside me. He looked to be about 2 years old (maybe slightly younger) with bright blonde hair and big dark blue eyes. I noticed the boy crawling away from me and my mind called out "Little Man, You get back here!" The boy stopped, looked back at me, shook his head 'no' and continued to crawl away. I tried to go after him but something held me back. I looked down and saw a baby girl sleeping in my arms. She looked to be about 3 months old. She was wearing a long beautiful white dress. She had the cutest chubby cheeks and looked liked like an angel. I noticed the name 'Rain' written above her in pink cursive. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She also felt so good in my arms. Holding 'Rain' was heaven for my empty arms. After a few moments I looked up to see where Little Man was but he had disappeared. I then looked down for 'Rain' but she was gone as well.
The experience lasted for maybe 30 seconds but I will NEVER forget what I saw and how I felt. I had many questions and had many feelings going through my mind and heart. I knew that experience didn't physically happen but my spirit and heart could not deny that it was real. The next questions revolved around Little Man and Rain. Who were they? Why was I allowed to meet them? Are they my future children? Most importantly, would I ever see them again? I sure hoped so. I loved Little Man and Rain above everything. Even though I only knew them for a few seconds, my spirit and heart wanted those two children more then anything.
Luckily I saw them many more times over the years and grew to love them even more with each visit. I saw them at different ages (mostly though Little Man came to me as a 7 year old and Rain as a 5 year old). I got to know their personalities and their quirks. Little Man was headstrong, loyal, always told the truth, mischievous, curious, fun and an awesome big brother to Rain. Although his stubbornness, curiosity and mischievousness always got him into trouble, I couldn't wait for him to be my son. Rain was 1,000% a Daddy's girl. I was blessed to have Rain as my daughter though.
I will continue their stories in other posts, but just know that I was the happiest person alive when I discovered I was pregnant with Little Man and Rain. When I lost them, my world shattered into millions of pieces.
When I was around 20 years old, I was sitting in church one Sunday, when my spiritual eyes noticed a little boy crawling around the bench beside me. He looked to be about 2 years old (maybe slightly younger) with bright blonde hair and big dark blue eyes. I noticed the boy crawling away from me and my mind called out "Little Man, You get back here!" The boy stopped, looked back at me, shook his head 'no' and continued to crawl away. I tried to go after him but something held me back. I looked down and saw a baby girl sleeping in my arms. She looked to be about 3 months old. She was wearing a long beautiful white dress. She had the cutest chubby cheeks and looked liked like an angel. I noticed the name 'Rain' written above her in pink cursive. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She also felt so good in my arms. Holding 'Rain' was heaven for my empty arms. After a few moments I looked up to see where Little Man was but he had disappeared. I then looked down for 'Rain' but she was gone as well.
The experience lasted for maybe 30 seconds but I will NEVER forget what I saw and how I felt. I had many questions and had many feelings going through my mind and heart. I knew that experience didn't physically happen but my spirit and heart could not deny that it was real. The next questions revolved around Little Man and Rain. Who were they? Why was I allowed to meet them? Are they my future children? Most importantly, would I ever see them again? I sure hoped so. I loved Little Man and Rain above everything. Even though I only knew them for a few seconds, my spirit and heart wanted those two children more then anything.
Luckily I saw them many more times over the years and grew to love them even more with each visit. I saw them at different ages (mostly though Little Man came to me as a 7 year old and Rain as a 5 year old). I got to know their personalities and their quirks. Little Man was headstrong, loyal, always told the truth, mischievous, curious, fun and an awesome big brother to Rain. Although his stubbornness, curiosity and mischievousness always got him into trouble, I couldn't wait for him to be my son. Rain was 1,000% a Daddy's girl. I was blessed to have Rain as my daughter though.
I will continue their stories in other posts, but just know that I was the happiest person alive when I discovered I was pregnant with Little Man and Rain. When I lost them, my world shattered into millions of pieces.
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