Last Kicks

2 years ago today marks the 2nd Anniversary that I felt Little Man kick for the last time.  It might seem like such an unusual thing to remember but memories are all I have of him.  I really don't have a past with him.  I don't have a present with him and, in this life, I don't have a future with him.  These memories are all I have and get to have with him.

I was 22weeks5days along.  Star, Bear and I had been out baby window shopping ALL DAY!!! We looked at car seats, cribs, clothing, baby furniture and many other things.  It was 6:30PM and we were enjoying the furniture section of the last store and talking about all we had seen that day.  I felt Little Man give a tiny kick and got so excited and told Star and Bear about it.  I had been feeling Little Man kick for several weeks now, but Star hadn't had the opportunity to feel him yet.  I was hoping Little Mas would kick a little bit harder so Star would finally be able to feel him.  I wanted SO MUCH for him to have another kicking frenzy, like he had earlier that morning and the morning of his anatomy scan.  It was not to be though.  I would never feel Little Man kicks ever again.   Here is a poem I wrote a few weeks after Little Man was born still.

You Fluttered Away
Where did you go and take your butterfly flutters?
 Kicks, jabs and movement that are felt by mothers.
It's your way of saying hello and you're alright.
I treasured the feeling of them both day and night.

One evening it came to a sorrowful end.
The flutters ceased and I still can not comprehend.
I was filled with such worry when you were so still          
With the words "This pregnancy is a loss" I lost all my will.

You fluttered away without reason or goodbye.
Now all I want to do is be alone and cry.
My heart is broken, I just want to be with you.
I wake up each morning and pray this is not true.

I still have a hole in my heart where you still are.
Others say you are close by but you feel so far.
Now I sing your lullabies to the stars and the moon
Sweet songs full of "I love you" and "I'll hold you soon".