Yesterday was Rain's 'should-have-been 1st Birthday' (her due date was 1 year ago yesterday). I picked strawberry for her birthday cake with white frosting. Bear wanted Beef Stroganoff for dinner. Star made the cake while I went to get groceries for the dinner. The cake was stubborn and came out in pieces. When I got back with groceries, Star had to go out and get another cake mix. That cake came out perfect and so did dinner.
I thought that Rain needed something else besides just a cake and dinner, so I tried making her a card. Nothing felt right though so I quite trying. I also wanted to get her a book but Bear said that we already had PLENTY of books for us to read to the kids. He is right, we do have A LOT of books. I just felt that as a Mom, I should by our kids presents and birthday cards. I should celebrate their special days. I should go all out to show how much I love them, like all parents do!!!!
But what do you get for an Angel???? No matter what you get for them, they can't use it. You can't buy them toys because they will never be able to play with them. You can't buy books because they will never read them. You can't buy clothes because they will never wear them. You can't give them food because they can't eat.
The holidays and their special days really remind you how empty you are and what you lost with their leaving!!!! Birthday's should be moments of celebration, laughter, family, presents, music, food, fun. When you are celebrating one for an Angel though, there really is nothing. There are no visits or phone calls from family members, no opening of presents, no opening of birthday cards, no balloons, no blowing out the candles. NO NOTHING!!!! No matter how special you try to make it, no matter how special you want it to be, the birthday Angel is not there with you and it just feels empty!!!!
Showing posts with label thoughts and feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts and feelings. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY RAIN!!!!!
Dearest Daughter!!!! HAPPY (late) 1ST BIRTHDAY RAIN!!!! Yesterday should have been your 1st Birthday!!!! I still wished you were here to celebrate it with us!!!! We all love and miss you so much!!!! I remember seeing you for the first time in a vision I had many years ago. It was in the same vision I met Micah. You were asleep in my arms and looked so peaceful. I was in awe of how beautiful you were. I fell instantly in love with you and I longed for the day when I could hold you in my arms.
I remember you in another vision I had the day before I lost you. I remember you being so beautiful again. You were so tiny. I remember the long white lace and eyelet dress you were wearing. I remember the bright, warm light that surrounded you. I remember thinking I didn't think that I could give birth to a literal angel. I was once again in awe of how beautiful and special you were. I didn't want to ever let you go.
Tragically, you left us just 2 days later. I was devastated!!!! We just lost Little Man 31/2 months before. I couldn't believe, didn't WANT to believe that we had lost you too. For 10 glorious days YOU were our light, hope, peace, promise and beauty that pulled us away from the darkness and storms we had been in for what felt like an eternity. We needed and wanted you above everything!!! But you left just as softly and quickly as you came. You were a part of me just long enough to say hello and then goodbye.
I want you to know that even though you were here for just a moment, I will love, want, miss and remember you for every moment for the rest of my life!!!! I long for the day when I can be your mother again on the other side of the veil. I know you will always be our daughter and we will be together again and we will be able to raise you in the next life. Daddy and I vow that we will live worthy to have you and your siblings back again.
I hope you are proud with who we have become!!! I am trying to be a mother you would be proud of. I try to be happy. I try to move on and overcome losing you 4. I try to not let my aching heart and empty arms to define who I am. I try to not think about you 4 every second of my life. I try to be a strong person and show the world this won't shatter me. I do my best to lift others and bring them comfort and support when they are dealing with a loss. I do my best to remain faithful and trusting the Heavenly Father has a reason and a plan. I do my best to cling to Christ and know that He will not fail me, that He KNOWS what I feel and is ALWAYS by my side.
Sometimes though, it is difficult. Sometimes my heart hurts to much and my arms are too empty. I just want you 4 back!!!! I know you are right beside us. I feel you around me. I feel your touch. I see glimpses of you through my spiritual eyes. I hear your voices with my spiritual ears. I KNOW you have never left us. I just ache to hold you again. And once again I promise to live worthy to be your Mommy for Eternity!!!!!
I love you to heaven and back!!!! Love, Mommy!!!!!
I remember you in another vision I had the day before I lost you. I remember you being so beautiful again. You were so tiny. I remember the long white lace and eyelet dress you were wearing. I remember the bright, warm light that surrounded you. I remember thinking I didn't think that I could give birth to a literal angel. I was once again in awe of how beautiful and special you were. I didn't want to ever let you go.
Tragically, you left us just 2 days later. I was devastated!!!! We just lost Little Man 31/2 months before. I couldn't believe, didn't WANT to believe that we had lost you too. For 10 glorious days YOU were our light, hope, peace, promise and beauty that pulled us away from the darkness and storms we had been in for what felt like an eternity. We needed and wanted you above everything!!! But you left just as softly and quickly as you came. You were a part of me just long enough to say hello and then goodbye.
I want you to know that even though you were here for just a moment, I will love, want, miss and remember you for every moment for the rest of my life!!!! I long for the day when I can be your mother again on the other side of the veil. I know you will always be our daughter and we will be together again and we will be able to raise you in the next life. Daddy and I vow that we will live worthy to have you and your siblings back again.
I hope you are proud with who we have become!!! I am trying to be a mother you would be proud of. I try to be happy. I try to move on and overcome losing you 4. I try to not let my aching heart and empty arms to define who I am. I try to not think about you 4 every second of my life. I try to be a strong person and show the world this won't shatter me. I do my best to lift others and bring them comfort and support when they are dealing with a loss. I do my best to remain faithful and trusting the Heavenly Father has a reason and a plan. I do my best to cling to Christ and know that He will not fail me, that He KNOWS what I feel and is ALWAYS by my side.
Sometimes though, it is difficult. Sometimes my heart hurts to much and my arms are too empty. I just want you 4 back!!!! I know you are right beside us. I feel you around me. I feel your touch. I see glimpses of you through my spiritual eyes. I hear your voices with my spiritual ears. I KNOW you have never left us. I just ache to hold you again. And once again I promise to live worthy to be your Mommy for Eternity!!!!!
I love you to heaven and back!!!! Love, Mommy!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)