Yesterday was Rain's 'should-have-been 1st Birthday' (her due date was 1 year ago yesterday). I picked strawberry for her birthday cake with white frosting. Bear wanted Beef Stroganoff for dinner. Star made the cake while I went to get groceries for the dinner. The cake was stubborn and came out in pieces. When I got back with groceries, Star had to go out and get another cake mix. That cake came out perfect and so did dinner.
I thought that Rain needed something else besides just a cake and dinner, so I tried making her a card. Nothing felt right though so I quite trying. I also wanted to get her a book but Bear said that we already had PLENTY of books for us to read to the kids. He is right, we do have A LOT of books. I just felt that as a Mom, I should by our kids presents and birthday cards. I should celebrate their special days. I should go all out to show how much I love them, like all parents do!!!!
But what do you get for an Angel???? No matter what you get for them, they can't use it. You can't buy them toys because they will never be able to play with them. You can't buy books because they will never read them. You can't buy clothes because they will never wear them. You can't give them food because they can't eat.
The holidays and their special days really remind you how empty you are and what you lost with their leaving!!!! Birthday's should be moments of celebration, laughter, family, presents, music, food, fun. When you are celebrating one for an Angel though, there really is nothing. There are no visits or phone calls from family members, no opening of presents, no opening of birthday cards, no balloons, no blowing out the candles. NO NOTHING!!!! No matter how special you try to make it, no matter how special you want it to be, the birthday Angel is not there with you and it just feels empty!!!!
Showing posts with label Allison Rain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Allison Rain. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 19, 2016
HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY RAIN!!!!!
Dearest Daughter!!!! HAPPY (late) 1ST BIRTHDAY RAIN!!!! Yesterday should have been your 1st Birthday!!!! I still wished you were here to celebrate it with us!!!! We all love and miss you so much!!!! I remember seeing you for the first time in a vision I had many years ago. It was in the same vision I met Micah. You were asleep in my arms and looked so peaceful. I was in awe of how beautiful you were. I fell instantly in love with you and I longed for the day when I could hold you in my arms.
I remember you in another vision I had the day before I lost you. I remember you being so beautiful again. You were so tiny. I remember the long white lace and eyelet dress you were wearing. I remember the bright, warm light that surrounded you. I remember thinking I didn't think that I could give birth to a literal angel. I was once again in awe of how beautiful and special you were. I didn't want to ever let you go.
Tragically, you left us just 2 days later. I was devastated!!!! We just lost Little Man 31/2 months before. I couldn't believe, didn't WANT to believe that we had lost you too. For 10 glorious days YOU were our light, hope, peace, promise and beauty that pulled us away from the darkness and storms we had been in for what felt like an eternity. We needed and wanted you above everything!!! But you left just as softly and quickly as you came. You were a part of me just long enough to say hello and then goodbye.
I want you to know that even though you were here for just a moment, I will love, want, miss and remember you for every moment for the rest of my life!!!! I long for the day when I can be your mother again on the other side of the veil. I know you will always be our daughter and we will be together again and we will be able to raise you in the next life. Daddy and I vow that we will live worthy to have you and your siblings back again.
I hope you are proud with who we have become!!! I am trying to be a mother you would be proud of. I try to be happy. I try to move on and overcome losing you 4. I try to not let my aching heart and empty arms to define who I am. I try to not think about you 4 every second of my life. I try to be a strong person and show the world this won't shatter me. I do my best to lift others and bring them comfort and support when they are dealing with a loss. I do my best to remain faithful and trusting the Heavenly Father has a reason and a plan. I do my best to cling to Christ and know that He will not fail me, that He KNOWS what I feel and is ALWAYS by my side.
Sometimes though, it is difficult. Sometimes my heart hurts to much and my arms are too empty. I just want you 4 back!!!! I know you are right beside us. I feel you around me. I feel your touch. I see glimpses of you through my spiritual eyes. I hear your voices with my spiritual ears. I KNOW you have never left us. I just ache to hold you again. And once again I promise to live worthy to be your Mommy for Eternity!!!!!
I love you to heaven and back!!!! Love, Mommy!!!!!
I remember you in another vision I had the day before I lost you. I remember you being so beautiful again. You were so tiny. I remember the long white lace and eyelet dress you were wearing. I remember the bright, warm light that surrounded you. I remember thinking I didn't think that I could give birth to a literal angel. I was once again in awe of how beautiful and special you were. I didn't want to ever let you go.
Tragically, you left us just 2 days later. I was devastated!!!! We just lost Little Man 31/2 months before. I couldn't believe, didn't WANT to believe that we had lost you too. For 10 glorious days YOU were our light, hope, peace, promise and beauty that pulled us away from the darkness and storms we had been in for what felt like an eternity. We needed and wanted you above everything!!! But you left just as softly and quickly as you came. You were a part of me just long enough to say hello and then goodbye.
I want you to know that even though you were here for just a moment, I will love, want, miss and remember you for every moment for the rest of my life!!!! I long for the day when I can be your mother again on the other side of the veil. I know you will always be our daughter and we will be together again and we will be able to raise you in the next life. Daddy and I vow that we will live worthy to have you and your siblings back again.
I hope you are proud with who we have become!!! I am trying to be a mother you would be proud of. I try to be happy. I try to move on and overcome losing you 4. I try to not let my aching heart and empty arms to define who I am. I try to not think about you 4 every second of my life. I try to be a strong person and show the world this won't shatter me. I do my best to lift others and bring them comfort and support when they are dealing with a loss. I do my best to remain faithful and trusting the Heavenly Father has a reason and a plan. I do my best to cling to Christ and know that He will not fail me, that He KNOWS what I feel and is ALWAYS by my side.
Sometimes though, it is difficult. Sometimes my heart hurts to much and my arms are too empty. I just want you 4 back!!!! I know you are right beside us. I feel you around me. I feel your touch. I see glimpses of you through my spiritual eyes. I hear your voices with my spiritual ears. I KNOW you have never left us. I just ache to hold you again. And once again I promise to live worthy to be your Mommy for Eternity!!!!!
I love you to heaven and back!!!! Love, Mommy!!!!!
Friday, January 1, 2016
Meeting Little Man and Rain
As I said in the previous post (My Story), all I have ever wanted in life is to be a mother. I have been waiting, longing, praying and aching to be a mother since I was 4 years old. I did all I could to lessen the aching by playing with dolls, doing lot's of babysitting and spending every second I could with my 2 nieces. All of these things helped, but the moment the activity ended, my aching would just be louder and the emptiness in my arms grew heavier. It physically hurt to not have children of my own.
When I was around 20 years old, I was sitting in church one Sunday, when my spiritual eyes noticed a little boy crawling around the bench beside me. He looked to be about 2 years old (maybe slightly younger) with bright blonde hair and big dark blue eyes. I noticed the boy crawling away from me and my mind called out "Little Man, You get back here!" The boy stopped, looked back at me, shook his head 'no' and continued to crawl away. I tried to go after him but something held me back. I looked down and saw a baby girl sleeping in my arms. She looked to be about 3 months old. She was wearing a long beautiful white dress. She had the cutest chubby cheeks and looked liked like an angel. I noticed the name 'Rain' written above her in pink cursive. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She also felt so good in my arms. Holding 'Rain' was heaven for my empty arms. After a few moments I looked up to see where Little Man was but he had disappeared. I then looked down for 'Rain' but she was gone as well.
The experience lasted for maybe 30 seconds but I will NEVER forget what I saw and how I felt. I had many questions and had many feelings going through my mind and heart. I knew that experience didn't physically happen but my spirit and heart could not deny that it was real. The next questions revolved around Little Man and Rain. Who were they? Why was I allowed to meet them? Are they my future children? Most importantly, would I ever see them again? I sure hoped so. I loved Little Man and Rain above everything. Even though I only knew them for a few seconds, my spirit and heart wanted those two children more then anything.
Luckily I saw them many more times over the years and grew to love them even more with each visit. I saw them at different ages (mostly though Little Man came to me as a 7 year old and Rain as a 5 year old). I got to know their personalities and their quirks. Little Man was headstrong, loyal, always told the truth, mischievous, curious, fun and an awesome big brother to Rain. Although his stubbornness, curiosity and mischievousness always got him into trouble, I couldn't wait for him to be my son. Rain was 1,000% a Daddy's girl. I was blessed to have Rain as my daughter though.
I will continue their stories in other posts, but just know that I was the happiest person alive when I discovered I was pregnant with Little Man and Rain. When I lost them, my world shattered into millions of pieces.
When I was around 20 years old, I was sitting in church one Sunday, when my spiritual eyes noticed a little boy crawling around the bench beside me. He looked to be about 2 years old (maybe slightly younger) with bright blonde hair and big dark blue eyes. I noticed the boy crawling away from me and my mind called out "Little Man, You get back here!" The boy stopped, looked back at me, shook his head 'no' and continued to crawl away. I tried to go after him but something held me back. I looked down and saw a baby girl sleeping in my arms. She looked to be about 3 months old. She was wearing a long beautiful white dress. She had the cutest chubby cheeks and looked liked like an angel. I noticed the name 'Rain' written above her in pink cursive. I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. She also felt so good in my arms. Holding 'Rain' was heaven for my empty arms. After a few moments I looked up to see where Little Man was but he had disappeared. I then looked down for 'Rain' but she was gone as well.
The experience lasted for maybe 30 seconds but I will NEVER forget what I saw and how I felt. I had many questions and had many feelings going through my mind and heart. I knew that experience didn't physically happen but my spirit and heart could not deny that it was real. The next questions revolved around Little Man and Rain. Who were they? Why was I allowed to meet them? Are they my future children? Most importantly, would I ever see them again? I sure hoped so. I loved Little Man and Rain above everything. Even though I only knew them for a few seconds, my spirit and heart wanted those two children more then anything.
Luckily I saw them many more times over the years and grew to love them even more with each visit. I saw them at different ages (mostly though Little Man came to me as a 7 year old and Rain as a 5 year old). I got to know their personalities and their quirks. Little Man was headstrong, loyal, always told the truth, mischievous, curious, fun and an awesome big brother to Rain. Although his stubbornness, curiosity and mischievousness always got him into trouble, I couldn't wait for him to be my son. Rain was 1,000% a Daddy's girl. I was blessed to have Rain as my daughter though.
I will continue their stories in other posts, but just know that I was the happiest person alive when I discovered I was pregnant with Little Man and Rain. When I lost them, my world shattered into millions of pieces.
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