Capture Your Grief- Day #3 WHAT IT FELT LIKE!!! Today's challenge is once again not a photograph, but this one is to describe positive and/or negative reactions we received from others regarding our losses. We are to paint a picture for you so you can see what it is like to be a bereaved parent.
I NEVER THOUGHT I would BE on this journey (no one ever does)!!!! I NEVER WANTED to BE on this journey (no one ever does)!!!!! This is a journey thousands of new families start every day but it is one you never want to take.
Society doesn't help with this journey because we are not allowed to talk about 'dead babies' (it makes society uncomfortable). A journey of child loss is heartbreaking and so lonely. Society judges on whether your baby was alive or not (especially if you lost during pregnancy). If society finds your baby did not live up to their version of being alive, then you have no right to grieve (because your baby wasn't anything more then a mass of cells).
Society gets to decide how families get to react to their loss and how long we are allowed to grieve. I hear countless stories in my Loss Support groups where families were judged harshly by others.
Society also forgets about the Loss families. Just after you lose a child, you will probably get quite a bit of support in the first couple of weeks, but after that, you almost always get lost and forgotten in the hassle and bustle of other people's lives (even though your life has come to a complete upside down stop)
When I lost Little Man and Rain, I really only had 2 people that kept in contact with me after the first couple of weeks. Bear was away from work from 5AM to 7:15PM and in bed by 8PM Monday through Friday so I didn't have his support. I was completely alone (except for quite a few birds and a dog). No one invited me to do something. No one brought dinners (we did have someone bring over one dinner). No one came over for visits. No one called or texted me (besides the 2 people I mentioned earlier). I spent HOURS EVERY SINGLE DAY in a very dark place emotionally. I CRIED for HOURS. I kept telling myself over and over again (for 14 months) that I killed my children, that i was such a bad mom that I let my children die (I will talk about that experience on another day). I truly felt I was completely alone in the world.
I did have many friends on the Loss Support board I was an active on. BabyCenter Miscarriage, Stillborn and Infant Loss (MSIL) Support board was a lifesaver for me. It gave me a place I could message other families going through the same things as me. I also was able to support many people on their journey. If you or someone you know has lost a child and they need support, I suggest this place. The women are so supportive and we are like a big family united in a tragic cause.
Many times society does not mean to be nasty. They are trying to help or trying to 'fix' things (I will be talking about this subject on another day too). They also have no idea how to react to a Loss families grief.
I have been blessed though to have had countless
positive reactions from others with my losses. After I lost Little Man, I received flowers, cards, letters, treasured keepsakes, acts of service and much much more from family, friends and even complete strangers (there were way too many acts of kindness to be named individually).
After I lost Rain , I received even more cards, messages, keepsakes, prayers and blessings from others. I even was given a memorial ceremony by family for Little Man and Rain.
I didn't get too much acknowledgment after I lost Monkey and Cub. I did get a few messages from others but they seemed to have been quickly forgotten. I know I only had them for a moment, but they are still children that need to be remembered.
There are MANY ups and downs on this journey and each one teaches you something and makes you a stronger and better person, if you allow it.
Thank you all so much for your uplifting comments so far!!! They really to help me!!! Please spread the word about Pregnancy and Infant Loss because most likely you or someone you know (and you might not even know it) has lost a child!!!
#captureyourgrief #captureyourgrief2016 #captureyourgrief2016day3 #whathealsyou #carlymarieproject
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